


Damaged

by earthphoenix (roughknuckles)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Forgiveness, Hogwarts, M/M, Rape, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, Violence, Violent Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-05-18
Updated: 2006-05-18
Packaged: 2018-02-11 18:01:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 42,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2077728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roughknuckles/pseuds/earthphoenix
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Black heir's heart gets broken, so he takes it out on Severus. </p><p>Extremely non-con, made even more unhealthy because Severus eventually forgives his rapist.</p><p>Implied James Potter/Sirius Black, with violent break up.</p><p>Making Remus secret keeper and therefore the one sent to Azkaban. </p><p>Also includes time jump forward, Sirius and Severus are both professors at Hogwarts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Sirius had his arm around a girl. As usual. His arm was always around a girl, or a girl shaped woman. Sirius Black, poster boy for heterosexuality. He sat with James and the others under the tree, one girl rubbing his shoulders while he petted the hair of another girl who was laying across his lap. This was how he studied. "Ask me another one, go on." Sirius laughed at something James said and kicked him a little, lightly, affectionately.

Sirius leaned back, laughing again and paused. A movement had caught his eye.

Severus Snape was walking with his hands in his pockets, talking and listening and remaining watchful as always with some of his Slytherin ... associates. He commanded the respect of the seventh years he immersed himself with, but there was nothing surprising about that, as he had commanded the same respect after a few well spoken conversations and demonstrations of magic in his first year.

"Look at that bloody fairy." James folded his arms glaring at Severus as he passed across the school grounds.

Sirius rolled his eyes and mumbled, "Thought fairies flew."

"We should chuck him off the astronomy tower and see how far he flies then."

 _Not what you said last night._ Sirius chuckled, looking back at Snape, "Fly, crash, it's all the same. I'm not working on commission." _So bloody angular. Sharp elbows. stupid ... shoulders. Stupid ... long legs_. He rolled his eyes and lit a cigarette, something for his hands to do. "C'mon. I'm bored." Sirius shifted against the ground, head back in the nameless Gryffindor girl's lap now. "Play with my hair, will you darling? Thanks."

The girl was a bubble of giggles and smiles, like it was some sort of fucking honor to be able to touch the magnificent black hair.

Sirius grinned up at her, purring, "You're a doll."

The girl blushed as she ran her fingers through Sirius's hair.

No one noticed his grey eyes shifting to the Slytherins for a moment, just a moment, so quickly that it barely happened.

James however was still plotting, "I bet we could get him after Quidditch when all his pals are still in the dressing room, not so tough without backup." James spat, already practicing in his head what he'd say to the Slytherin when they were able to confront the boy, never mind, three against one.

Sirius shrugged luxuriously, "Getting a bit old, don't you think?"

"Not really." James grinned, as Peter still devotedly followed and listened to every word that spilled from James's mouth like it was the word of god.

"Thought after the game we could go back to the shack for a bit. I'm fucking sick of all this." _Alone?_

"What for?" James said coldly, smiling at Lily Evans as she walked by, going back into the main building.

Sirius shrugged again coolly and grinned up at the pretty girl petting his hair, "How about you sweetie? Ever been behind the greenhouse?" Sirius looked over.

"Oh!" the girl giggled, covering her smiled with a small hand, blushing again.

There was a laugh from the Slytherins, Severus was actually smiling a little, while the others nearly doubled over with giggles and grunts of amusement.

Sirius sat up, interested in what went on near the Slytherins. "Huh ... Severus made a funny ..."

"Only because Snivellus is funny looking" James sneered.

Sirius rolled his eyes, and pulled the girl into his arms, kissing her neck idly, sampling her like some ripe fruit. "What are you, four, James?"

James scoffed, "What's it to you anyway if he tells his fairy friends a fucking joke?"

Sirius shook his head, standing with the girl, "Unclench, Prongs. Fuck." He tugged the girl's hand, "C'mon, babe."

The girl got up eagerly, abandoning the other, unchosen girl to be Sirius's fling, if only for the day.

Sirius led her past the Slytherins, ignoring them, or appearing to, and disappearing with her behind a large, lush thatch of young trees, kissing her roughly. But Sirius might as well having been kissing a peach the way she limply fell into his embrace, only inviting the Black heir further into her mouth, rather than kissing back as one should. Sirius's eyes moved through the green foliage, pressing her back against the wall as he spied Severus, centering him in his view.

"Oh Sirius- the chosen one mumbled as the boy pressed against her.

"Shhh, shhh sweetheart ... " he kissed her again, hitching up her skirt with warm, smooth hands. To be fair, she had a seductive young body, if you were into that sort of thing, but she spread herself, maybe a little too willingly.

Severus pushed his hair back off his face, and smiled again as he spoke to his peers, nodding and just standing erect.

"S'good ... good ... so good ..." he eased her panties down slowly, teasingly as his eyes stayed focused on the scene beyond them. Their mouths collided again, almost manically and Sirius rubbed their bodies together with a soft moan.

The girl wrapped her legs around Sirius's back, locking her ankles, her body shuddered and tingled in the open air, her voice was silky, yet all too female, "Oh, yes, yes, oh ... mmm-"

Sirius kissed her again, giving her what she wanted of course, "Quiet, shhh, shhh ..." he kissed her again, undoing his own trousers fast, a quick snap of his button and unzip and he was bobbing against the back of her soft thigh. "Oh ... good, good ..." He hated it, the stirring in his jeans that made him shift whenever the Slytherin walked by. He hated that his eyes went to him, fastened to his face, his hands as the soft young girl in front of him almost dripped against his sex.

The Slytherin in question was suddenly pelted with a balloon with red paint which spattered all over his shoulder and half of his face. He glared as the other Slytherins turned sharply to meet their assailant. This was soon followed by more balloons of red paint, most of which hit Severus, though his wand had quickly redirected a few back at their attacker. An almost crying laughter, distinctly James Potter could be herd over it all.

Sirius groaned under his breath and closed his eyes, kissing the girl instead, but felt himself draw away. "Later, sweetheart. Later."

"Oh? But ... Sirius-" she pleaded, innocently.

Sirius sighed, doing his trousers up, frustrated. "Later. I'll come get you." He walked out into the clearing, arms crossed. "Oi! What the fuck is going on out here?"

The Slytherins were more or less at a loss of what to do against their invisible assailant, and could only direct their counter attack to wherever a red balloon came flying from, but by then, the invisible boy had moved on to another location and struck them again.

"How many balloons can the prick have?" one asked.  
  
But he asked too soon, as soon rocks were being chucked at them as well.

Sirius muttered, "OI! JAMES! Cease FUCKING FIRE!"

Severus cast a bubble charm over himself and his fellow Slytherins, protecting them from the more destructive weaponry.

Sirius's hand gripped his own wand, right in the middle of things, having walked out into the center of the Slytherins.

"Potter-" Severus growled under his breath with seething loathing and blame.

James must have stopped firing, either because he noticed the rocks just bounced off or because Sirius had asked him too ... probably the first was more likely; Black was proving to be less and less fun these days.

Sirius sighed, "SOME of us are trying to get some ass over there!" Sirius was now officially in a bad mood. He rolled his eyes and stalked towards wherever James was under the cloak, "Grow the fuck up already."

James was laughing behind a tree, then pulled away the hood to his invisibility cloak, "Fuck, what's your problem? Just having some fun, god."

"Well it's getting BORING!"

"You want to talk about boring? Last night was BORING." James cut deep.

Sirius only froze for a second, then laughed, "Whatever." His lack of a witty reply said more about how deeply he was wounded than any shouting could have done.  
  
Peter moved to gather James's book bag like the obedient and desperate boy he was. James was done with this conversation, and with his prey gone, he resolved to head up to the dormitory.

"HEY!" Sirius stalked towards James, "YOU!"

James turned abruptly, "WHAT?" his eyes wide with over-exaggerated annoyance.

The Black heir shoved Potter. "Don't go spouting your damn mouth off about last night."

"What the f-?" James pushed back, surprised by the delayed retaliation, "I wouldn't! It's not WORTH mentioning!"

"No?" Sirius looked James over, his face going calm, Black calm. Pureblood calm while something inside him burned up and fluttered off like an inconsequential piece of paper. _Okay. That's it_. He looked to Peter, "You? Going to say anything?"

Peter looked to James for the answer, "Um ... no, I won't tell."

Sirius grabbed James's cloak and stepped back with it, lighting it with his muggle lighter.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" James roared and grabbed the VERY rare item back, trying to put it out.

Sirius kicked him over, letting it burn. "I bought it for you. I'm taking it back."

James was thoroughly enraged as his fist connected with Sirius's stomach.

Sirius coughed, but turned and THREW the burning cloak at James, onto him.

Out of no where a freezing charm was coolly cast over the burning student and his magical robe before he became too much of a living pyre. The voice was equally as icy, "Pettigrew! Get your mate to the hospital wing."

Sirius LUNGED at James, the betrayer, the traitor, the bully ... and for the first time Sirius saw him with nauseating clarity, "I HATE YOU!"

Severus's hands wrapped around Sirius's elbows, pulling him back, planting himself in the ground like a thousand year old tree which had no intention of moving, "PETTIGREW! NOW!"

Peter was a mess or tears and snot and fear, mostly only able to drag James away from the scene.

His voice warped like skin under flame, bubbling and blistering with hatred that Potter had ignited without knowing how, "I HATE YOU! I WISH YOU WERE DEAD! YOU FUCKING LIAR! I HATE YOU!" Sirius still shouted after James, his usually composed, suave form twisting with fury.

Finally the half frozen, have burned boy was out of sight. Though Sirius raged. Straining his own young body to it's limits, incoherent and tearful, kicking and tearing and unable to stop.

Severus looked around to see if any professors had been called yet, none. The grounds were relatively scarce at this hour. And he was no stranger to rage, and therefore let the young man he was holding back, fight his own battles, all in the safety of his grasp.

Sirius looked like some furious spirit, some physical projection of the calm Slytherins rage that had taken corporeal form before he finally just sunk to his knees, arms still held back. "SON of a BITCH!"

Severus knelt just behind the man, not letting go, "Black." the man said slowly, then "Sirius?" he said a little more softly.

Sirius's arms held back this way looked like wings, the strong spines of featherless wings held by a tall figure in black. Sirius shook his head roughly and sniffled, almost primal, before he answered, "Yes."

"I'm not even going to bother asking if your alright. And you're not even going to bother lying to me to say that you are. But I'm going to let go of you now ..."

Sirius didn't reply. He just swallowed, shaking, embarrassed and thrilled at the same time. "Fine," he bit out, not at Severus, just because he was full of adrenaline and bubbling, Black-family insanity lit on fire.

Severus's release was far from abrupt, he let go gradually, softly passing his hand along the length of Sirius's arm, to make sure there wasn't more fight, especially if it was going to be directed back at him.

From the aching, painful wing position, Sirius returned his arms to his sides, to the ground in front of him as he whispered, "Did I kill him?"

"No." Severus said casually, as if they were talking about their favorite foods and not what could have been a public execution.

Sirius didn't respond for a while. "Oh." He took a deep breath, pushing his hair back behind his ears, the front of it wet with tears and sweat. "I don't ... don't remember" he admitted.

"Well, when the head of house asks, you can give that answer."

Sirius put a hand on his own stomach and stood, eyes distant. "I'm going." He started walking in the opposite direction of the school. Walking as though he'd keep going until he hit ocean.

Severus pulled himself up from the grass as well, pushing away the leaves that stuck to his robes before he noticed that Sirius was headed in the wrong direction. For a moment the angst filled Slytherin was torn between obligations to himself, the school and his own ... personal ... desires. "Sirius-" he strode after the man a bit.

Sirius tore his own Gryffindor tie off, chucking it over his shoulder. "Thanks."

"Are you quitting school?" Severus asked curiously, almost amused by the notion that a school yard fight would be such inspiration to leave.

He kept walking, "Yeah. Bye. Sorry."

Severus kept himself a few paces behind Sirius, "So, you're just going to wonder the world then?" _No one hurts you, Sirius Black, right? and if they do, you just run away?_

"I don't need this place!"

Severus sighed, "No, clearly you don't need anything or anyone."

Sirius laughed, "Who the hell are you? Princess Leia!?" He turned to look at the Slytherin and his mind went to the princess Leia hair ... and then he realized he was staring. "Why the fuck should you give a shit? I'm gone. You ... won. Congrats. Go have a party, I'm sure Potter is throwing one."

"You've got to be fucking kidding me Black."

Sirius looked Severus over suspiciously. "What? What do you want?"

"Well, since you're leaving an all ... I assume this will be the last time we speak, in which case I wanted to ask you something while I have the opportunity." After all, what the hell, the man was already mad, how much worse could it get? "Why do you watch me Sirius?"

Sirius paused, a caustic answer at the ready despite his paleness, "Your nose is sort of hard to miss."

"Unfortunate genetics I can't exactly do anything about, and yet ... that's not the entire truth, is it?"

Sirius took a step closer, knowing. _He knows. Oh fuck, he knows when I watch him and what I'm doing when I ..._ Sirius licked his own lips, refusing to show fear, "I'm allowed to watch."  
  
Severus didn't back away, he didn't move a single inch let alone blink, "Yes, you are allowed."  
  
 _Fuck watching him, his hands. His lips. Peeling off his underwear while I watched ..._ Sirius took a deep breath, swallowing before he countered, "If you didn't want me to watch you ... you would have said something about it before now, wouldn't you?"  
  
"That's right Sirius." Severus had a sick and twisted superior smile, "And yet I wonder why you've only been content to peep, as I'm no voyeur, you had to go out of your way on many occasions."  
  
Sirius felt a rush of anger towards the Slytherin and his fists clenched as he rushed towards him, "You ..." He grabbed Severus's robes and yelled at him, "You KNEW!?"

Severus twisted his head back as if the young enraged man would bite his head off, his fists pressed up against the Gryffindor chest, pushing away, "What if I did?" _Maybe I liked being watched, maybe I like the double standard of you hating me in public, and secretly curious when no one else was around._

Sirius shoved him, harder than Severus had pushed so that the thin, pasty young man was on the ground, "You SICK BASTARD! You LIKED IT!"  
  
From experience he knew that it was less threatening if he stayed low, so Severus made no move to get up, yet he still confronted, furious and slightly frustrated as well, "APPARENTLY I WASN'T THE ONLY ONE!"  
  
Sirius tossed dark hair out of his face and glared at him, "FINE, You liked it?" He knelt on the ground, undoing his trousers quickly, "You fucking LIKED it!?" He pinned Severus and shoved his thighs aside, "I'll fucking show you how it feels."

Severus suddenly looked horrified. "Stt- stop ..." he stuttered uncharacteristically, everything precise and well spoken about him was in a frozen state of panic.

Sirius forced Severus's robes up with his own hips, rubbing against him, "Stop!? I haven't been able to STOP!" He held Severus's wrists with one hand, ripping his trousers open with the other hand and yanking them down.

The pale man trembled visibly under Sirius, he tried closing his legs, tried pulling away, but found that fighting against pure rage and lust was a lost cause. But still he begged, tears forming in his eyes, "Please ... stop ..."

"SHUT UP! SHUT UP you little SLUT!" He twisted Severus's wrists painfully and positioned himself against Severus's entrance and kissed him roughly.

Kissing was a mistake, as Severus bit Sirius's mouth, anything to get him away, get him off, get him to stop.

Sirius yelped and pulled away a little, but in retaliation, pushed himself inside of the other boy, half way.

Severus's raw scream curdled even his own half-blood. His body frozen tight, panic preventing him to breathe as he turned his head, looking away, part of him hoping that if he didn't look, it wasn't actually happening.

Sirius paused, gasping, resting inside him. _Oh god, oh god, oh god ..._ His head bowed and his eyes opened and his voice softened, "Shhh, Shhh ..."

"Ssstt-op" Severus cried.

"Look at me, look ..." he whispered, "look." Sirius nudged his face and breathed against his neck softly.

The Slytherins normally strong arms trembled as they were pinned, slowly he turned his head to look upon Sirius, like a mouse trapped in the corner before a hungry cat, knowing it was only there to be played with, there was no escape.

 _Damn it this feels good, just ..._ Sirius looked down at him and then pushed himself in the rest of the way, glaring a little, but not yelling anymore. "You're hard ..."

"No ..." Severus wanted to deny it, blood pounding at his temples in humiliation.

"Look down," Sirius started moving inside of Severus, smirking a little. "Look at yourself. Hard. Hard for me."

Out of the very corner of his eye, Severus looked and saw that Sirius was right, "Stop" the Slytherin said again, but this time it was a little more ambiguous, was he telling Sirius to stop? Or himself?

Sirius laughed, devilishly, starting to thrust inside him, "You love it, don't you? Is it good? My cock in you?"

"NO!" Severus said, his face tightening, "No ... no no no ... fuck" he moaned as Sirius bore into him.

Sirius bit his shoulder as he started hammering inside Severus, fucking his body into the ground furiously. "Fucking wanted me, wanted me, all the time, watched me ... "

The black hair across the Slytherins face became one and the same with the dark earth he lay upon, his head fell back, trying to fight that indeed, it felt good, but it was WRONG! "No ... no ..." he gasped, fighting back the groan in the pit of his stomach, before it was released as a hiss, "fuck."

He moaned hard, starting to build to a climax, "You have the sweetest little ass ... fuck ... yes ... like a girl ... FUCK gonnacome, gonnacome inyou ..."

Severus whimpered, his insides not slick just with Sirius's pre-cum, but with his own blood as he lost his virginity. The hardness in his heart cracked with disappointment, _nothing special about this,_ there was nothing special about pain, he could get pain any day. He closed his eyes, biting his lip in silence, hoping that it would be over soon.

He moaned and kissed Severus's neck, "AH ... THERE YESFUCK ..." his hammering became manic and with a final yell, Sirius came inside Severus, violently.

Tears still streamed from the sides of Severus's closed eyes, he didn't want to see, if he watched, it would be real. This wasn't real, this wasn't fucking happening ... fucking ... he cried out as Sirius came, it was a cry for mercy.

Sirius panted against him, groaning. "Oh ..." he laid against Severus, enjoying the release of it all, the finality of it.

Severus tried rolling his shoulders to turn his body away, thinking that Sirius would be too tired to restrain him any longer; wishing at least he'd have a chance to get away now that it was over. He felt dirty, wretched, more so than how a normal afternoon of torments and bullying leaves him feeling.

Sirius laughed darkly, "Not yet." His free hand curled around Severus's cock, grasping him. "You're going to come, and you're going to like it. You're going to beg me for more."

"Don't TOUCH me!" Severus yelled again, though it was really too late for that now.

Sirius kissed the side of his face with a laugh, "Shut up. Shut up, or I'll stop being so sweet." He pulled his wand out and bound Severus's hands to a tree before he crawled down the Slytherins body and licked his hard on with a moan.

Though Severus was hardly in any position to make threats, still he could not help his nature, "I'll fucking kill you, you bastard," he rolled his hips away to one side, "don't touch me!"

Sirius pinned his hips, and lapped at Severus's balls, sucking a little.

"Uhhh!" Severus moaned angrily.

The pureblood kept licking, sucking, licking, rubbing his rough tongue against the Slytherins sensitive balls, "Feels good, you like it ... you fucking love it."

In another lifetime, in a fantasy perhaps, this would have been thrilling and exciting and wanted. But as it was, right now, under these circumstances, "No ... no gods- ughhh" Severus groaned desperately trying to deny the satisfaction he was feeling.

Sirius refused to let up until Severus was his, until he wanted him night and day. "Just feel it, just let go-" he kept lapping him, sucking harder, taking one ball against his lips and rolling it around in his hot mouth.  
  
Severus drew in a sharp breath, his ribs stretching his skin as his lungs filled, he could feel it, the sudden build, "FUCK! NO!" he said as if yelling ‘no' would somehow prevent him from shooting his heavy load.

Sirius's tongue flicked against the small patch of skin between Severus's ass and his balls, just for a moment before he took the other ball in his mouth too, humming and sucking at them both.

"Stop ..." Severus resorted to begging again, already spent.

He hummed and removed his mouth, only to take Severus's cock into his mouth.

Gods, it was warm and wet, but too fucking dangerous! Yet Severus's sex was entrapped by Sirius's sweet mouth, the Slytherin's lip began to bleed at the force of his biting himself to silence, soft moans still escaping his chest.

Sirius moaned around him, tongue stroking the hard, trembling sex inside his mouth.

"Stop this, stop this, stop this." Severus said more to himself than the person causing him to have this reaction.

Sirius's mouth, however, paid no heed. He sucked again, but only a little, slathering the man's sex in wet warm devotion. His hands started to caress Severus's hips, coaxing them, tempting him. _Just take it, take me, fuck my mouth._

As the fingers brushed Severus's hips, they responded naturally, thrusting forward, fucking Sirius's mouth once, "Mmm-" the man groaned, and soon found that he did it again.

 _Yes ... yes, yes, yes ..._ He caressed him again, rubbing, sucking gently again, rewarding him.

 _Why can't I stop? I'm can't stop! GOD DAMN it feels good, this shouldn't feel good, fuck, fuck-_ "FUCK!" Severus finally cried out as he pushed his length down Sirius's mouth.

Another soft, twisting, accepting hum from Sirius's throat. _Come ... come on, come in me, come on ..._ His lips, his mouth flexed a little around Snape, sucking and tightening sweetly.

Even if Severus didn't want to be forced to come again, his body sure as hell did, and was able to shoot down the back of Sirius's throat, the Slytherin wordlessly grunted in relief.

Sirius choked and swallowed, he rubbed his palms hard over Severus's bared, beautiful hips. _Soft, white, perfect, hot, shaking._

"Oh god ..." Severus groaned as he realized what he had done.

Sirius moaned, swallowing again, and just held Severus in his mouth, tasting him, his desire. "Mmm ..." he pulled his lips away and started licking Severus's hips over and over, wetting them, whimpering. He continued licking him, purring as he brushed Severus's ass with his wand, muttering a healing charm and started to heal him. "Wasn't so bad ... was it?" Once the boy was healed, Sirius threw it aside and returned all of his attention to Severus's sex.

Severus drew in breath through his teeth as his hips automatically arched responsively to Sirius's mouth. _Stop playing with me,_ "-just stop! I won't fucking tell anyone, alright ... just stop ..." it made Severus's skin crawl to have to beg, to not be the one in control.

"Admit you liked it."

"No."

Sirius smirked and started removing his own trousers all the way, "You must want more then ..."

"NO!"

Sirius stripped himself completely, straddling Severus and taking his own cock into his hand, "Want me to look at you more now?" He started to stroke himself back into rigidity with a moan, his own body completely on display.

Severus set his jaw and shook his head no once more. _It's getting late. Someone must notice that we're gone. Someone, somewhere must ... care._

Sirius gasped as he felt Severus's cock harden under his ass. "Holy shit ... you little slut, fucking liar ... oh ..."

Again Sirius had called Severus that horrible name, _slut_. It was worse then Snivellus. It crushed him, more than the former virgin would ever let on. He was broken, his mind, his body, his voice - it was all broken - he had no smart remarks, no wandless magic spells to cast - he had nothing, just the label, _slut_.

Sirius started fucking his own hand in earnest, "Ever had a girl?"

Severus shook his head no.

"Ever ..." he shuddered a little, licking his lips, "had a boy?" He offered the word, "boy" as though it were a sort of fruit to taste, something dark and exotic.

Severus shook his head no again.

Sirius brushed the curve of his ass against the tip of Severus's cock, letting the slytherin trail his seed over the pale round of muscle in one long line. "Never? Want to?"

There was a long pause. "No" _not like this_. Severus said reluctantly.

Sirius groaned, sitting back against Severus, trapping his still wet sex between the cheeks of his own ass as he started pumping his long, elegant hand around his cock until he came, fountaining slick, white liquid over his own fingers, between them, down his wrist, letting Severus watch it. Sirius closed his eyes and his head fell to Severus's shoulder. He panted and a little jagged crying broke from his throat before he kissed the Slytherin once on the lips and left. The ropes dissolved, leaving Severus alone, free.

The severe looking young man, who always looked a little bit more rough-edged and had a quicker acid tongue every year he came back from summer break, just laid on the ground for a moment longer. _That didn't happen, none of that just happened._ The moment Severus stood, his knees buckled under him and he fell, face firmly smashing back into the ground, scarlet blood dripping down his inner thighs, couldn't Sirius cast a decent cleaning spell? Severus was infuriated with himself that he'd gotten himself into such a situation. He slammed his fist into one of the trees, thoroughly abusing his knuckles until they bled. He sniffed, summoned his wand, cast a better cleaning charm, then pulling himself up with the tree to lean against, he pulled up his pants, zipped and buttoned. Brushing his hair off his face again, picking off grass and leaves from his robes with meticulous care. Standing tall. He was going to return to school, avoid all and everyone until he got to the Slytherin dorms, and shower himself off. _Slut_.


	2. Chapter 2

Sirius was in detention. A classroom, by himself. It would be this way before and after all his classes for at least a month. For once, however, Sirius didn't care. He spent his time there just staring at the wall, lost in his own head.

The door in the back of the room opened, and soft footfalls came walking up then past Sirius. A student. An angular young boy with black hair passed a note to McGonagall, who was sitting at the desk at the head of the room, in silence the boy waited for a response. "Yes, alright Snape, just in the storage room back there." The woman pointed with a bony finger, "I'm sure I don't need to tell you to handle them with care."  
  
"Thank you professor." Severus said calmly.

Sirius's eyes went to Severus, choosing him over the wall. He felt like he was looking through a long tunnel at the boy. Black hadn't spoken in a week, to anyone.  
  
The boy moved swiftly into the back room and disappeared for a moment. There was the sound of a chair being pushed across the stone floor, then the sound of jars, until the boy returned with two jars, one under each arm. When he walked out, only then did Severus look upon the boy serving detention. Sudden panic filled him as if they were alone again and Severus defenseless. One jar fell from his hands, and though he moved to catch it up again, it shattered on the ground just at his finger tips. There was a sizzle, burning, the chemical burning, eating at the flesh on his hand.

Sirius leapt to his feet and ripped his own cloak off, covering Severus's hand with it.   
  
Severus shook, more terrified that Sirius might take this opportunity to strike him rather than consider the pain of the burn.  
  
"SNAPE!" McGonagall had shouted, rushing to his aid, she pulled back the cloak slightly to see the burn stabilize under the cloak. "This needs to be treated right away." She rewrapped the burn. Then looked to Sirius, "Good thinking Mr Black, now escort Snape up to the hospital wing, would you?"  
  
Severus stuttered, "That's alright, professor, I can manage."  
  
"Don't be absurd, Mr Black, if you please, quickly now."

"Yeah." He guided Snape by his arm, hauling him to the hospital wing quickly, holding the cloak over the burn.

For all the agony his hand was putting him through, Severus didn't once cry out. Walking into the hospital ward, Severus finally pulled away from Sirius's grasp, looking for the nurse on duty.

"POMPREY!" Sirius called out, striding to the nurse's station and fetching her, "He's burnt, dropped some distilled eye of newt ..."

Madam Pomprey raced over, wand out, "Oh dear Merlin, Mr. Snape ... how did you POSSIBLY ..."

Severus unwrapped the cloak from around his hand, revealing the bubbled up skin and burn, "It's still fresh enough, I'm sure you could clear most of it out."

Madam Pomprey winced at the sight of it and summoned some murtlap over, soothing it on. "Sirius, fetch some bandages from the cart, please, and water ..."

He obeyed with unusual silence, returning promptly as he watched Severus with large, unreadable eyes.

Severus continued to be unresponsive as he watched Pomprey treat his hand.

The nurse sighed and finished bandaging after a last spell, "You could have lost your hand, Mr Snape, are you alright? Is it only your hand?"

"It's only his hand." Sirius said, his voice was soft, even relieved sounding. 

Severus had opened his mouth to speak, but found Sirius had spoken for him. He straightened his spine, "Thank you madam Pomprey, may I go?"

Pomprey sighed, "No, Severus ... stay for another hour. I must run, meetings, quidditch games, you students never stop trying to hurl yourselves off of things ... Black, watch him will you?" She hurried out quickly.

Once Pomprey was gone, Severus eyed Sirius quickly, then stood promptly with a sigh to leave without her permission.  
  
"Stop," he sighed, "sit down. I'm not going to hurt you."

"Great. And I'm not going to stay here either." Severus said in a dry tone, clearly not trusting Sirius, no matter what he said. 

Sirius looked down, "I'm really NOT going to hurt you, alright? Just sit the hell down."

Against the logic that was playing out in his mind, Severus paused at the door way, putting a hand to the frame, sighed, turned around and came back, sitting on the edge of one of the empty cots in the hospital wing.

Sirius, in turn laid down in the bed that Severus had just left, exhausted.  
  
Nice long, silent moments passed. Then a figure arrived at the door. A fellow Slytherin approached Severus, looking down at him critically, taking up the young man's burned and wrapped hand. Malfoy spoke in his suave tone that came with careful breeding and cultivation, "Hmm, Severus hope your hand heels soon, so that we can put it to good use again."  
  
Sirius turned his head and glared, "He's resting. Leave him alone."  
  
"You don't mind, do you Severus?" Malfoy asked his trained whore.  
  
Severus just shook his head.  
  
Then Malfoy smirked, then looked to Sirius, as if looking at something truly worthy to be tasted, "What are you here for then?"

Sirius sighed, not facing Malfoy again, totally indifferent. "Sent to baby sit."

"You always do as your told?" Malfoy asked with a playful curiosity.

"Better than detention." Sirius sounded bored.

Malfoy completely abandoned Severus now, walking over to Sirius. Idly trailing a finger down the back of Sirius's neck, his thoughts swam with pureblood propaganda of how like beings should stick together.  
  
Sirius sighed and turned away a little, not in the mood.

Malfoy sighed with some disappointment, "When you find yourself free from other obligations, you know how to reach me." The man gave a sickeningly pleasant smile, then walked off, pass Severus, without so much as a ‘feel better soon.'

Sirius sighed, nodding, drawing a listless finger over the blankets. "After dinner."

Silence once more filled the hospital wing. There was only one other another patient, asleep in the cot next to a far window. Then the two boys.

Severus stood up again, not entirely sure exactly what his intentions where. Attack Sirius? While he just ... laid there? Hurl himself off of something, very high, as Pomprey suggested students were prone to doing? More self destructive thoughts filled his mind, more vile ... then the smell of the chemical burn finally seeped into his desensitized senses. It hit him quickly, and within seconds, Severus began to vomit into a pail that was at the end of the bed.

Sirius turned, standing and walking over, conjuring a glass of water and sitting near Severus. "Sit down, you'll fall." He put a hand on Severus's back, gentle, steadying.

There wasn't much of breakfast in the pail, even less, if any lunch either. Severus sat once again, his entire body feeling miserable and sore, he preferred when he couldn't feel anything at all.

Sirius sighed, staring at his feet. "I'm sorry." He was sorry, he was sorry in the intervals that his mind rested on what happened. He was sorry in his brief dreams, his nightmares. He was sorry every time his skin crawled at what he'd become, at what he'd done.

Severus didn't want to hear it. Something inside said,  _I'm not_. Which made him angry. In the completely irrational state that he was in, Severus wrapped his arms around Sirius, and hugged him, trembling.

Sirius laid back against the bed, his grey eyes lost, damaged. Sirius swallowed and one of his arms went around the man who was hugging him, surprised.  His eyes closed and he swallowed, "What are you doing? I'm not burned."  
  
"Shut up, just shut up." Severus said, needing to be hugged, no matter who the hell it was, even if the person who hugged him was the same person who had reduced him to this state in the first place.

Sirius closed his eyes and hugged him back, softly, shaking the same way. He obeyed, tucking his head against Severus's neck. "How is your hand?"

"Fine." He lied.

In this small space, things made sense. It was manageable, and there was something comforting about the smell of Severus's hair.  "Me too." Also a lie.

 _Fine, you can fucking- oh. Liar._  Severus sighed, satisfied? He let go and sat up.

Sirius swallowed, looking up at him, letting go reluctantly, "Hour isn't up."

"I'll make it up to you after dinner." Severus said venomously, standing and readjusting his robes.

Sirius glared but laid down in the bed again, "Whatever. You didn't like me, doesn't mean no one else will."

 

*                    *                    *

 

At one time Severus Snape had commanded fear and respect among his fellow Slytherins, just as he had commanded the forces of dark and light magic at the tip of his tongue. He had been neither demon nor angel. But he had been _something_. He had. Now he was nothing. He commanded no respect. And now all that was at the tip of his tongue was Malfoy's cock.  
  
The two were in a dark alcove just beside the courtyard. It was after dinner and no one was about. From the darkness came a hiss and a luxurious moan. Malfoy was pleased. Severus learned quickly that he wasn't done until Malfoy was satisfied.  
  
Moments later Severus walked out from the darkness, smearing white cum from off of the sides of his mouth with the back of his hand. He spat onto the ground.  
  
Dinner was over and Black knew where he was expected and for what. He didn't mind. It was touch. It was somewhere besides the Gryffindor common room, James's hatred, Peter's pandering, Remus's timid indifference ... Even if it was Malfoy, it was still better than th- he stopped. Severus was walking away, wiping his mouth.  _You took him down with you. Idiot_. Sirius felt like he was about to throw up. The awkward Slytherin had nothing to do with it, nothing to do with James the night before their fight, nothing to do with home, nothing to do with everything that broke in Sirius that day, but Severus was dragged down too.  _Fuck_. 

Malfoy stepped from the darkness, he looked thoroughly flushed as he brushed away perspiration from the sides of his temples. "Mmm" he hummed with a smile, "Good to see you Sirius."

Sirius watched Severus walk away, pain reaching through the haze and penetrating his heart.  _Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry_. He looked at Lucius and lit a cigarette, taking a long, cool drag. "I know."

Lucius thumbed his hand over Sirius's jaw, and smiled at his perfect pureblood features.

Sirius let him, sighing smoke. Lucius wasn't bad looking, it made things easier, and he couldn't help but let out a long sigh, head turning against his hand. 

Malfoy drew himself closer, licking the length of Sirius's neck, sucking, then kissing it wetly with an agreeable sigh.

"Mmmh ..." Sirius groaned a little, roughly, letting Malfoy lick his neck and then kiss the skin. It did feel good, he had to admit, so what if it was someone he hated? He'd loved James and look at what happened there ... maybe sex with someone he hated was the best policy. No disappointment.

It looked as though Malfoy was sizing the younger man up as he pulled away slightly, "Perhaps we should retire to the privacy of my chambers?"

Sirius licked his lips and half nodded, "Sure. Lead on."

Malfoy rewarded the Gryffindor with a soft kiss on the lips before turning to lead them down to the dungeons, where the Slytherin spoke the password, getting them both in, no questions asked from the other students lounging in the common room.  
  
Sirius couldn't give a shit, it made him smile a little to feel them all staring and he made sure not to look back at any of them as he ran a hand down Malfoy's back, for show.

Down a marble staircase, then to a corridor, reserved for seventh years and prefects. Malfoy unlocked his door with a nonverbal spell and it opened. The man rolled his hand through the air, offering for Sirius to enter first.

Careless of what might lie behind the doors, Sirius stepped in. Whatever it was, he deserved it.

Lucius Malfoy's school chambers looked just like his home one. Rather than paint upon the walls, it was draped in fine silks, some enchanted with printings. A tapestry of dogs slaying a minotaur on the hunt ... and of course in the center of it all, the man's bed.

Sirius turned with a little smile and started shrugging off his dark school robes, "So ... heard you're about to join the family ..."

Closing the door, Malfoy sighed, "Yes, yes. Thank you. Perhaps then we'll be seeing more of each other."

"Don't think I'll hang around much longer." He tossed his robes across the floor, backing to the bed, arrogant and sly like a cat making itself at home in a foreign house, "but no time like the present, is there?"  
  
Malfoy licked his lips, beginning to take off his own robes, but setting them aside with a bit more care upon the trunk or chair.  
  
Sirius laid back on the bed, watching Malfoy undress as he pulled his own white shirt off, then eased his trousers undone, leaving them loose, tempting on his curved hips. "Nice tattoo ..."

Laying down over Sirius, the Malfoy heir began to fondle Sirius, not minding that his tattoo was visible to the Gryffindor. After all, it was an honor to be marked in such a way. "Perhaps some day you'll get your own."

Sirius's head tipped back, "Mmm ... " he murmured, "that'd be nice ..." His own hands, rougher than Malfoy's started to map the blonde's skin, to rove and smooth, lingering over his exposed, pale nipples.

Malfoy pulled the pants down the rest of the way, under this illusion he believed Black not to be dangerous at all. His knees split Sirius's thighs, and while his hands although soft, were hardly gentle as he pushed Sirius's knees to his chest, promptly pushing his sex inside without any other foreplay. He groaned as his blond hair fell forward, "Perfect."

Sirius yelled, "AH!" The pain seared through him and Sirius panted hard, "FUCK- oww oww owwww ..."

"YEAH!" Malfoy clenched his teeth as his milky hips began to pound into Sirius.

Another scream ripped from Sirius's lips and his hands went up to stop Malfoy, but half-heartedly, _did the same, deserve the same._

But in this place, Malfoy's hand moved to Sirius's throat, he didn't strangle, it simply lingered as a threat and that was all that was needed. For a fly to come so willingly to a spiders web, what did one expect? "Fucking PERFECT!" Malfoy yelled his delights.

Blood swelled over the light green sheets as his skin ripped inside, black blood reached Lucius's knees. Sirius stopped fighting for a moment against Lucius's hand on his throat and he moaned, "Harder."

The headboard banged against the wall with the effort as Malfoy drilled into Sirius, lust written across the pureblood's face, and nothing more. Sexual lust, blood lust. It was a hunger that would only grow over the years. Suddenly the man pulled out and shot his load across Sirius's stomach and sex with a heavy moan, sweat now dripping down his back, "Ahhh, fuck yeah. Beautiful." He seemed to marvel at his own seamen marking Sirius then Sirius himself.

Sirius gasped, gritting his teeth and hissing at the pain, curling up on himself.

Malfoy rolled over on the bed, ecstasy writ upon his face. He reached for a nearby table and picked up a towel, wiping himself off before throwing it to Sirius for him to take care of his own mess.

Sirius gripped the towel and very slowly wiped himself off. He closed his eyes and whimpered softly.  _Let yourself bleed._

As if deciding something, Malfoy licked his lips then softly said, "Yes, just perfect." Then stood up and moved to a chair by the desk. He wrote a letter quickly, then sealed it, putting it aside. He sat in the chair expectantly, waiting, before he said, "When you're done there, come sit on my lap."

Sirius took a few deep breaths and made himself stand. Naked, still a mess, he walked very slowly to Lucius and draped his body over Lucius's lap, "What would you like?" Lucius was necessary, he was punishment, he was atonement. Sirius had sentenced himself to Malfoy, to every cruel whim, to every choking blowjob, to every slap across the face.  _Take it_. 

Malfoy nipped at Sirius's nipple, before sitting back in his chair, pleased that Sirius was so agreeable. "Any good a divination?" he asked nodding to the work on his desk.

Sirius turned and looked at the divination in question. "Not really, it's boring." 

Malfoy sighed, he couldn't pass off the responsibility for Sirius to do his least favorite homework after all. "Fine" he pushed his hand against Sirius's thigh to push him away, "turn around, and sit on my lap again so I can touch you properly."

Sirius obeyed again, shivering a little bit. "Thank you."  _I hate you. I hate this. I hate your hand. I hate your body. I hate your VOICE._

Malfoy took up his quill in one hand and Sirius's sex in the other, fondling the man as he worked on his homework, "You're welcome." The scum was actually flattered, then moaned as he worked with such a delicious creature at his command.

He shivered and groaned, "I ... oh ..." The naked boy in Malfoy's lap gasped and writhed a little.

Malfoy's technique was little more than grope and clutch. But touching Sirius like this brought his own sex back to life, hard against Sirius's backside. It was only after a few homework problems that Malfoy gave up, tossing his quill aside, nuzzling his face into Sirius's back, sucking, nipping along the man's backbone.

Sirius's hand slapped down against the desktop, moving some parchment aside as he did, "Ahhh ... wait ... I'm still ..."

Malfoy panted, "WHAT?"

"Bleeding ..." He hated himself for wishing it, for wishing to be saved at that moment.  
  
Malfoy contemptuously pushed Sirius from off his lap, "Why didn't you clean yourself ... Merlin!" Malfoy looked sickened that a person would have such disregard for their personal bodily functions, let alone make _him_ subject to it.  
  
Sirius hit the floor and gasped, moaning. "FUCK-"

There was a knock on Malfoy's door. Rather than dealing with Sirius, he pulled on a bathrobe and answered to see Snape, head down, not looking at him directly. Malfoy leaned against the doorway, "What?"

"You're charms homework, Malfoy."

Sirius rolled to his back, looking at the door and then looking away. 

"Well, give it here." Malfoy extended his arm.  
  
Severus passed it over, his eye caught blood, his nose smelled sex ... and Malfoy in a state.

Sirius summoned his trousers from the bed, pulling his wand out of the pocket. It trembled in his hand as he strained to apply it to himself, to heal the wounds before cleaning himself. He wasn't sure if he wanted Severus to see him like this or not, it was a sort of atonement, but Sirius doubted the Slytherin would take any comfort in knowing what he was putting himself through.

"Is there anything else?" Severus asked slowly.  
  
Malfoy's eyes were skimming over the homework, making sure it looked like he had actually done it.

"No." Malfoy said coldly, "Come to me again when you hand has healed properly." Yes, Malfoy had a thing about cleanliness. Cleanliness was next to godliness. With that, he closed the door in Severus's face.  
  
Whereas Malfoy's current prey was back in the chair, cleaned, obedient. Healed.

Malfoy turned his attention back to Sirius, tossing the papers Severus had done for him on the desk. He trailed his finger around the back of Sirius's neck, thumb and pointer finger around the base of the man's pureblood skull. He tilted the man's head back and kissed him, then smiled, "You're obedience and loyalty will not be forgotten, perhaps ... yes, your allegiance will soon serve a higher purpose."   
  
Sirius murmured, "Thank you, Lucius." He kissed him again, slowly, pulling him closer.

 

*                    *                    *

 

Severus was sleeping in Malfoy's bed, exhausted as the sex-addicted, deviant pureblood had kept him up all night. Having since lost track of time, Severus had forgotten the unofficial rule that he was to leave Malfoy's room while the pureblood was out, it was the weekend after all, and the pureblood didn't waste his weekend with halfblood whores, they were only to be used for convenience when the urge strikes.  
  
The door opened and a slim figure in wrinkled clothes shuffled in, cigarette already lit. He was early, the sad truth was that he was only early because he had nothing else to do. Sirius had quit Quidditch, he was barely passing his classes now, and when he wasn't in class or in Malfoy's bed, he paced, all night sometimes like some restless ghost in the halls. Sirius felt like a scream everyone ignored, he started to wonder how deep the lake was in the middle, what it would feel like to drown. He'd started to wonder how it felt to fall all the way to the bottom of the Astronomy tower and if he would ever have the guts to let himself do it.

Severus sighed, the smell of cigarette smoke waking him up, he groaned, shifting under the heavy covers, sitting up, messy black hair half hiding his split lip. He did not say anything once he realized that it was Sirius, only removed himself from Malfoy's bed, pulling his robes on over his head, letting them drop over his chest and down his legs, the Slytherin hadn't warn pants for over a month, just the heavy, heavy robes from his neck, down to the floor where it dragged behind him.  
  
Sirius stopped in his tracks.  _And there's another scream no one can hear_. "You don't have to do this." Sirius breathed behind a cloud of lung-obliterating smoke. He'd stopped bothering with wit, tact or laughter, they were unnecessary and exhausting these days. Strange days, these were. "I don't even get why you're here."  
  
Severus grumbled to himself upon instinct before he turned, a little surprised Sirius was talking to him. "What do you care?" Severus only recently had begun to re-learn how to fight back, it was getting him into trouble, "You chose this, _him_ … Merlin knows why, I didn't. I'm just the  _slut_ , remember?"  
  
Sirius looked down sharply. His lank black hair fell over his face and he was grateful for it. That day ... he couldn't explain that day, no matter how many times he watched it all in his head. It was like James lit a fuse that burned his mind out, just leaving ashes. It wasn't him doing that to Snape on the ground. It wasn't something he'd do, but that made no sense because he'd done it. At some point it seemed like a good idea.  He shrugged his shoulders, one of James's stupid old flannel shirts hung from Sirius's shoulders in a blurred grey and blue plaid pattern. "Well ..." he rumbled, voice rough from the sheer volume of nicotine he'd been living on, "how many people have you slept with?"  
  
"You. Malfoy. And whoever he brings in when I'm blindfolded or passed out. Why? Are we having a competition? See who wins?" Severus stepped forward, "You know … I used to think you were so great, you didn't let anyone walk over you … not students, not staff." It was a dare,  _prove me wrong, hit me, hurt me like you used to, fight back, fight!_  
  
Another long, dead pause, "Two people isn't a lot. By definition, you're not a slut."  
  
It was difficult to hear. Sirius was the one who had labelled him a slut in the first place. And he hadn't become one until the pureblood had finished with him. Severus swallowed, "…" just staring at Sirius, "so then it's you he brings in?"  
  
"Well ... whoever it is, you don't have control over it. Doesn't matter. If anything it's-" he mumbled, "more like three people. Him, blindfold-man ..."  
  
Severus fumed, shaking his head back, _you don't really listen, do you. Don't even fucking care_. And that's what got to Severus. "Yep, doesn't matter." Severus's voice was empty, pushing his way into the bathroom to wash his face.  
  
"Point is-" he belled back, "it doesn't make you a slut. By definition" he repeated as he tossed a used up cigarette filter into the fireplace and lit another with his wand.   
  
Severus laughed wildly as he cleaned his lip, "By definition, huh? That's real sweet of you Sirius, real sweet."  
  
Sirius's face wrinkled at the strange sound of Snape laughing like that. He shoved himself away from the wall and walked to the bathroom, huffing hair out of his face as he watched the boy he'd hurt in his blind anger. "S'as sweet as I can manage right now, okay?"  
  
Severus threw the towel into the sink, turning to face Sirius, his stomach turning on itself, heart racing. Malfoy liked to remind Severus how inadequate he really was compared to the _'sweet pureblood'_. "Sirius ..." his voice was sad, distant, longing, but lost, unable to say anything else.  
  
Sirius just sighed, his full lips pressed in a grim, down turned line, "Is this because of ... what I did?"  
  
"If you are taking responsibility for breaking me in for Malfoy, then yes."  
  
Sirius slumped against the door frame, nodding, not looking at Snape. He knew what to say, he knew what he should say. He couldn't make himself speak.  
  
Again Severus stepped forward, putting a hand on the wall, blocking Sirius in, again daring, "What I don't understand, is why you let him break  _you_  … why you come to him, you can have anyone you want."  
  
Sirius laughed bitterly and swallowed over his raw throat, "Because I did it, didn't I? I lost it, I ... " He made himself, MADE himself look up at Snape, "I wish I didn't do that to you. I really-" he sounded exhausted, "really wish I didn't."  
  
"Yeah, well-" Severus remained defensive, aggressive, but he had nothing to follow it up with. His hand fell from the wall and he just stared at Sirius again. He almost believed Sirius, not that it mattered.  
  
Sirius didn't even flinch. He just looked over Snape's shoulder, licking his lips as his dull eyes focused on the tiles of Malfoy's bathroom. "I'm here because I deserve to be, okay? You're the one who should just ... just walk the fuck away, alright? Don't look back, just go on with your life and ... I'm here, this is what I have to do. Fuck off, Severus," the curse had no fury to it, his voice had softened, "lemme serve my sentence."  
  
Severus was in shock, "… wh- you think … there's _nothing_ noble about what you are doing here Sirius Black! Serving his perversions might make you feel better about what you've done, because what he does _is_ far worse, because it reflects the pain, the disgust you feel on the inside-" Severus spoke from experience, "but serving _him_ will _never_ make up for it … you will only feel more hallow and empty … and believe me Sirius Black, I'd walk away in a heartbeat if I had the CHOICE. You've submitted yourself because you want to, because you feel you somehow owe suffering for suffering. But I'm submitting myself because I have been _stripped_ of that choice. By you. Do you honestly think seeing YOU, Sirius Black give in, suffer _him_ somehow makes it up to _me_? That is somehow makes it better? Because it doesn't!"  
  
Sirius glared at Snape, hard, iron-grey eyes around pinpoints of black, "And why the bloody hell do you care all of a sudden!?" His temper flared again, "Get the fuck out."  
  
"All of the sudden?!" Severus laughed madly, "Who was it, tell me Black, who was it that saved you from committing murder? Who was it who kept his mouth shut after the incident with your little werewolf friend, to protect  _you_?! What you fail to realize Sirius, is that I have ALWAYS cared."  
  
Sirius shoved him away, "Then care from somewhere else," he shook his head. He knew why Snape was lying, revenge. Sirius preferred atoning directly, submitting to a sadist for being one himself. "I have to get ready and he won't want you here." He crossed to the other side of the bathroom and started the tub, filling it with only hot water.  
  
Severus fell back easily against the wall with a sharp gasp, with no other words Severus left, slamming the door behind him. Just down the hall however Severus was thrown against the wall again, cowering against Malfoy and his guest who would have preferred not to have seen the filthy halfblood.  
  
Sirius sank into the scalding bath with a sigh, having stripped himself. He hissed a little but scrubbed his face clean with his hands and Malfoy's expensive soap.   
  
Malfoy grabbed Severus by the hair and literally dragged him down the hall as the man cried out, opening the door to his room, with amused guest in tow. Throwing Severus into the closet, locking him in, "Since you are so insistent on staying Severus, you can stay there."  
  
Severus however screamed as if being locked in the dark closet was more like getting his testicles ripped off.  
  
"He's a good screamer" the guest commented.  
  
Sirius's head snapped up at the sound of the scream and his eyes widened.  _Fuck, I told him to get out._  He swallowed and stepped out of the tub, dressing himself in Malfoy's dark green robe and charming his wet, clean hair dry quickly before he opened the door.  
  
"Ahh-" Malfoy groaned at the sight of Sirius, "there you are."  
  
Sirius just smiled a little, but it did not reach his eyes. It didn't matter, that's not where Malfoy was looking.   
  
"Mmm, Rodolphus." Malfoy grinned, "Don't you just love cousins?"  
  
Rodolphus eyed Sirius with some amusement and possibility.  
  
Sirius's eyes narrowed a little, "What's he doing here?"  
  
"The three, maybe four of us are going to have a little fun this weekend, going back to my place once you are properly dressed."  
  
Sirius walked over to Lucius with an odd, indifferent grace, stopping beside him. "Four?"  
  
"Well…" Malfoy moved his hand over Sirius's body, "we will need a whipping boy, wouldn't want to damage your skin."  
  
Sirius half-closed his grey eyes and sighed like a cat as Malfoy touched him. "Rodolphus's brother, maybe?" he purred.  
  
"Like hell…" Lestrange spoke up, wanting his brother off limits just as Sirius might want his own brother left untouched.  
  
"No … no _pure blood_ should ever be split by another pureblood … Roddie seems to think Snape has himself a good voice … he's good for this sort of thing."  
  
Sirius huffed, touching the front of Lucius's stomach with slow, warm fingers as he murmured, "The sight of him puts me off ... can't we get someone better looking?"  
  
"Not at such short notice, no. And at any rate, it's not like you have to look at him Sirius."  
  
Sirius leaned in, brushing his still warm from the scalding bath lips across Malfoy's neck as he sighed, "I don't know why you bother with him, Lucius ..." Malfoy, of course, got off on hearing his own name. "Half-bloods are a gnut-a-dozen. I don't need Snivellus staring at me after you've undressed me."  
  
Malfoy groaned a little, "Mmm, but that's why we need him … like I said, doesn't matter if the bastard gets a sound beating, better him then one of us." _Us_ , being purebloods, "And if I recall, you bothered with him once before, that's what gave me the idea in the first place-" Malfoy sneered, "and anyway, it's not about what you want, now, is it? Still, he'll be blindfolded, you don't have to look at him."  
  
Sirius sighed, deciding to distract Malfoy a little, "Well if you want me dressed, you'll have to tell me what to wear."  
  
"Mmm, those green robes, stitched in silver, yes, those should do."  
  
Sirius walked to the closet and opened the doors, completely ignoring Severus as he chose the robes, "these?"  
  
Severus was shaking violently, face dripping with cold sweat and tears, curling on the floor, holding his knees to his chest. It felt familiar, like how he spent his summers, eyes down, as quiet as possible, despite the fact that he was listening to every word.   
  
"Yes, perfect."   
  
Sirius stepped away from the closet, leaving it wide open and stood in front of the fireplace, away from the doors out of Malfoy's chambers as his fingers started to stroke the tie on Malfoy's bathrobes, tied loosely around Sirius's hips. "Do you want me to change out here?" One long, perfect white finger curled around the knot of dark velvet and started to pull it loose. He knew Malfoy wanted to show him off to Rodolphus, that's why he'd brought the large pureblood along, to show him who tamed the infamous Sirius Black.  
  
Malfoy grinned, as LeStrange just stood dumbfounded. "Yes, I think we would all enjoy that."  
  
Sirius smirked a little, just a ghost of his rebellious grin and he tugged at the belt a little more, letting the velvet slip off of one shoulder, exposing half of his chest and toned stomach, "If that's what you want ..." Some of his glossy hair reflected the amber light of the fire and fell over his eyes as he stripped.  
  
LeStrange touched Malfoy's shoulder with a groan, "Merlin, look at him …"  
  
"I know" Malfoy said smugly, "I think our cousin enjoys you too Sirius, what do you think?"  
  
Sirius looked at LeStrange as the robes fell to the floor, revealing his erection. It was a different sort of hard-on than the knee-jerk physical reaction he usually had with Malfoy. Sirius's skin flushed in all the right places, his heart was speeding, blood curling and rushing through his dark veins that showed like marble through his white skin.  _Rebellion ..._  he grinned, knowing Severus could set off fireworks behind the older boys and they wouldn't turn around right now. "I think he might ... if you wanted to let him." He looked Rodolphus over with a raised eyebrow, "Seems up to the challenge ..."  
  
Malfoy gave his consent and LeStrange started to walk over to Sirius Black, fingering down the pureblood's pecks, "Perfect … absolute perfection." LeStrange forced a sloppy kiss on Sirius.  
  
Meanwhile the rather shaken, traumatized Severus Snape had quietly left without giving a single hint of his absence.   
  
Sirius groaned a little, kissing LeStrange back. It was like kissing a sponge, the other boy was so unfocused, so juvenile. He watched Lucius out of one eye with a little grin, letting the blonde think it was out of lust.  
  
Malfoy came up behind LeStrange, pressing himself just against his cousin, whispering sweetly into the man's ear, "Doesn't he taste good Roddie?"  
  
"Mmm-hmm." LeStrange groaned.   
  
Sirius flicked his tongue against Rodolphus's and reached around him, stroking one hand down Malfoy's waist as he felt LeStrange's ungraceful thigh force his bare legs apart.

 

*                    *                    *

 

Malfoy had been sent to St. Mungos for a poisonous overdose of penis enlargement potion. This was day five, and still no word of recovery. But the rumors and scandals spread through the school, most of which made people laugh at the missing pureblood.  
  
Sirius didn't bother to visit, he knew it wasn't like that between he and the aloof blonde. The dark haired Gryffindor, still withdrawn, still smoking at every chance he got, looked a little better. He moved himself into an extra dorm room and started to catch up on his sleep after the eventful, painful weekend with Rodolphus and Malfoy. Even he couldn't explain it to himself, but his lonesomeness felt lighter, less deathly than before.  
  
With Malfoy gone, Severus was back to fighting; reminding people of the power and command he once held, and for good reason. No one took advantage of Severus Snape anymore, no one pushed him down without being taken down as well.  
  
Sirius was sitting atop the astronomy tower one chilly evening, flannel and heavy leather jacket on over his haphazardly kept school clothes. He sat on the floor of the large rooftop deck, back against the peak of the tower, head in a book.   
  
Severus climbed his way up the stairs to the astronomy tower to make some observations of the night sky while it was still a clear night. Upon kicking the door open however, Severus stopped dead upon seeing Sirius. Crossing the path of the Gryffindor, always made the Slytherin remember, more then remember, feel every sense from that day, he had no other memory to replace it with, "Oh … nevermind" he mumbled.  
  
Sirius almost looked up but stopped himself. "Sure ..." he adjusted his book between his pulled up knees and the hand not occupied with a cigarette, ignoring Snape.  
  
Severus sniffed, feeling broken all over again, despite his most recent efforts to the contrary, he adjusted his bag on his shoulder and began to head back down the stairs, telling himself that he could do his observations another night.  
  
Sirius stood, starting down the stairs, "Go ahead." He passed Snape on the stairs, his elbow just brushing the Slytherins arm.  
  
"You where there first."  
  
"S'fine ..." he mumbled, continuing down the stairs.  
  
"Thanks" his voice was soft, sincere.  
  
He turned and looked up. " 'course" he nodded.  _Say it again ..._  
  
Severus stood there, looking to Sirius, neither of them talking, neither of them seeming backing off to go their own way, not really. "Sirius-?" the Slytherin began again suddenly, with the same sad longing as he always had.  
  
"Yeah?" he rasped, clearing his throat.  
  
Severus struggled to find something to actually say, "Can you help me out for a moment." Severus nodded his head back up the stairs, yet did not pull his eyes from the Gryffindor.  
  
 _I don't have a right to say no to you_ , "Sure," Sirius climbed the stairs again, letting Severus lead the way, giving him enough space and ditching his book at the top of the staircase before they went outside again.  
  
Severus made some pretense of going into his bag and taking out his astronomy journal, leaning against the stone wall, looking up to the sky, "I … uh …" Severus faltered, the once well spoken man was falling back into bad habits again. Severus sighed, tossing his book down, not giving himself something to fidget with, "I once thought it would be great to just 'fly' off the top of the astronomy tower. I got as far as swinging my legs over this ledge before my fear of heights set in, I couldn't move, it felt like hours … I couldn't jump, and I couldn't go back …"  
  
Sirius went a little paler, and his stomach twisted sharply.  _This is what I did to him. I went too far and I did this to him._  All he could do was nod slowly, staring fixedly at Snape's shoes on the stone floor. "Not a good idea ..." he murmured dully, the monotone of his usually lively voice almost inaudible.  
  
"Well-" Severus seemed unconcerned about the subject, and yet still a little nervous in Sirius's company, "I still can't jump, and I refuse to go back … but I'd like …" Severus made sure he had Sirius's complete attention, as he faced the Gryffindor simply, "I'd like something honest in my life, and I'm asking it of you, right now. I think you owe me that."  
  
His eyes went up to Severus's face and he nodded, guilt-ridden, "Yeah." It didn't matter what it was, Sirius would agree to it. He wasn't a villain, he knew that now; he could never handle the unremitting burden of doing anything like what he'd done.  
  
"I need you to say that you are sorry, if you  _are_  … say sorry, and not just, you 'wish it never happened' … I need you to look at me and mean it, if you do. I need to know, else I'll doubt for the rest of my life … if I'm really just a misbehaved slut, or simply … a mistake." Severus swallowed, "I need you to say it, whatever the honest truth is."  
  
Sirius's reaction was immediate and almost embarrassing if his former, arrogant self had watched it. He stepped forward and sank down on his knees in front of Severus, shaking as though his neck were in a noose at that very moment. It wasn't fear that made him shake though, "I'm so fucking sorry ..." he managed through his erratic gulps of breath. Black looked up, one hand almost touching Snape's shoe, "I am sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry-" suddenly that was all the pureblood could get out of his mouth.  
  
Severus was silent as he watched Sirius. Seeing the other man like this did not make him feel superior, it made him feel human again, and that was more then the Slytherin had ever expected, "... Sirius ..." Severus breathed out softly.  
  
A hiccup of breath and suddenly round, warm, salty circles of tear landed on Snape's shoe, on the dull grey stone under it. "Sorry, sorry, sorry, just sorry, I'm sorry-"  
  
Severus let out a slowly controlled breath, "I need- I need a hug, but" Severus sighed, frustrated with himself, "I don't like to be touched …" he gave a short laugh, "I need an _untouching_ hug … I need … no, ok … I need you to hug me, but do not touch my back … I don't like … just …" Severus was already tightening all over, becoming nervous, anxious.  
  
"I was so mad." He gasped, words running together as he stood and and just put his hands on the other boy's shoulders, leaning close to him, letting their foreheads touch, but not the rest of their bodies, "I was so mad at James ... I ... and then you were there and I couldn't-" another shaking breath in and out, "couldn't handle rejection all over again ... and I thought you ... I really did think you actually ... but I was wrong, fuck, fuck I'm sorry ..."  
  
Severus wrapped his arms around Sirius tightly, it was a release for both of them, listening to Sirius, feeling him, being able to touch without fear of consequences or having obligation  "Thank you."  
  
Sirius sobbed noisily against Snape's shoulder, "Christ, don't ... don't hug me I'm the one who raped you, don't hug me-"  _I don't deserve this._  
  
"I need it" Severus insisted, "let me, please. I need it."  
  
Sirius nodded and held his breath, giving in to the hug.  _This is something Dumbledore would do._  
  
Severus clung onto Sirius, needy, just as he said. Eyes closing under the darkness of the cold night, two bodies barely warm against the elements of a mad world, "Thank you" he repeated.  
  
"I just ... I normally would never, I never thought I ... I just never thought this would ever-" he swallowed, letting Severus hold him. Right now he'd let Snape take every drop of blood out of his body and Sirius would just tell him to have a good time with it. "always thought I was the good guy."  
  
Severus was quiet for a moment before he spoke calmly, "Let me tell you something about good and evil Sirius. It is something I am quite familiar with, and it all has to do with perception. You are as others perceive you, no matter what you might tell yourself, what you think you truly are. If the world sees you as bad, then that is what you are. I can only guess at how you see yourself … but I need you to know, that after this night, my perception of you, is that you are good. And what I see, and what I believe … that's all that should matter."  
  
Sirius pulled away, looking outraged and even angry as tears spilled down his young face, "How can you SAY that?"  
  
"Because you have done what I have asked of you Sirius. And when you apologized to me, you meant it, with every last breath, you meant it. I have accepted it in place of a mistake. You are good Sirius. You've helped free me. You've helped me to become a fighter, and not a constant victim. You are good Sirius, I  _am_  judging you, I have that right, and you are good … your grief and anger is only proof to me. You are good."  
  
Sirius's eyes stayed dark, unreadable under the sky that brandished his namesake. He felt like someone had just given him a gift that he could never afford to repay. Tears dried on his smooth cheeks, but sparkled in his eyes under the blackened sky. After a long, long moment of silence he stepped forward, almost as close as he was before and whispered, just between them, "My entire life ... it's yours now. I'll make it up to you. I'll ... whatever you want, I'll do it, okay?"

"Just … a hug, I need this kind of touch-" A positive experience. On Severus's terms. He needed a hug, and just might keep on asking them from Sirius for some time to come. But that was the future, and the Slytherin could not think on it too hard just then. He needed this, now, this moment. Right here. Just a hug.  
  
Sirius gave him his arms immediately, wrapping them around the other boy and closing his eyes, head on Snape's thin shoulder. Sirius felt like he was pulling Severus into himself, into his chest through the gap of his leather jacket, hiding him there.  
  
Severus sighed, grateful, holding, being held. He closed his eyes, "Thank you" he whispered.  
  
Sirius nodded, rubbing his large, opened palm up and down Snape's fragile feeling back, over his pitiful ribs. "Anytime," he said, and meant it.


	3. Chapter 3

Severus Snape had an unbreakable spine, both figuratively and literally, standing up slowly as the headmaster introduced him, the new Defense against the Dark Arts professor for the term. Working for both the Order and odd, unofficial jobs for aurors had made Severus the perfect man to teach students about the dark arts.  
  
The students applauded politely, some of them looking curiously at the pasty, tall man in black robes, whispering to one another as they did so.  
  
"Harry, he's the one who gave you the chocolate on the train!"  
  
Harry sighed, watching the new professor warily, "And snapped at me a bit ..."  
  
Professor Black, sitting in his usual place at the head table applauded as he leaned back in his chair barely resisting the urge to put his feet up. The potions professor, a favorite with the students year after year, looked Snape over curiously but just smiled a bit in Harry's direction when he saw them whispering.  
  
When Severus sat back down, he let out a little sigh, already hearing the whispered conversations that included his name. Still, he was glad to be back in Hogwarts. Looking down the head table, Severus gave a polite nod of thanks for the welcoming reception to those he knew. He knew he could count on them to be professional, as peers, even though at one time he had called many of them professor while he had attended Hogwarts as a student. But he could count on them, and in turn, they were counting on him to help protect the students from dark forces. Dark creatures in particular. Werewolves in particular. Especially with the scandalous break out of Remus Lupin from Azkaban prison.  
  
Dumbledore took the podium again and Sirius's eyes unfocused, lost in thought. Since Lupin had quite literally ripped his way out of Azkaban on the last full moon, he'd been unfocused and withdrawn more often than usual. Sirius never would have pegged Remus as a death eater, but the evidence against him was incredible, James and Lily made him their secret keeper and after turning them over to Voldemort that fateful Halloween, Remus had hunted Peter down and destroyed him, taking twelve muggles with the small, round young man.  
  
After a pleasant dinner, Severus spoke with a few of the head of houses and other members of staff, all saying how pleased they were to see Severus, wishing him well on his first teaching job. Severus was only able to half accept the compliments, he knew the job was cursed, it didn't take a genius to figure that one out. One way or another, this would be his first and last job as the Defense against the Dark Arts professor. After some polite socializing, Severus retired, heading to his chambers.

Professor Black, dressed in his usual muggle clothing under his professor's robe rounded the corner after helping a couple of first years find their houses after Peeves had sent them to the lavatory, almost colliding with Snape. "Holyhell-"  
  
"Oh!" Severus stiffened, both hands out before him as an instant barrier between himself and the other person, he calmed a moment when he saw that it was Sirius, "Professor Black … looking well."  
  
Sirius laughed, a little breathlessly, "Ha, thanks ... " he smiled crookedly, shrugging as he leaned one shoulder against the wall and sighed. He and Snape hadn't really talked since that day years ago on the astronomy tower, not at length anyway. Sirius had foiled Malfoy's plans to force the half-blooded boy into death eater membership, earning himself a scar on one shoulder and giving Malfoy a reason to use his infamous cane for more than show. Snape had joined the Order, they'd attended meetings together, but except for the few odd times that Severus summoned him and asked him just to share a room with him quietly, or rarely, just to hold him as he'd done on the tower, Sirius didn't speak with him.  
  
"Congrats on the new job," he nodded, hands slipping into the pockets of his jeans that were generally frowned upon by some of his colleagues.  
  
"Thank you." Severus said evenly. However, the only indication that he was actually nervous about this new job was when he began to fidget his thumb and pointer finger together at his side. Though not vain in the sense that he cared about fashion or his general appearance, Severus was extremely self conscious of how people saw him, and how more often then not, just stared at him. Sometimes he unintentionally read people's thoughts, and how they perceived him as a very ugly woman or else a very strange looking man. Either way, Severus wished (even now, at his age) that people would just ignore him.  
  
Sirius shifted his weight a little from foot to foot, "Anyway, you're bound to be better than the last guy-" he huffed, annoyed at the memory of him, "what a complete dick."  
  
"Oh?" Severus seemed hopeful.  
  
"Lockheart," Sirius rolled his eyes, "kept telling me how to do my bloody hair. If he hadn't cursed himself silly I was ready to set his office chair to eject-" Sirius looked at a movement down the hall. "ZAMBINI! First years are not slave labor!!"  
  
Severus cleared his throat of a light laugh, "Nice to see you taking a stand Professor Black." Severus put a hand on Sirius's shoulder, "It's good to see you Sirius" he said before walking off, letting the potion's professor handle the students.  
  
Sirius turned, a little surprised, "Oh ... yeah, see ya around..." he set his jaw and sighed, going to rip a strip off of Zambini who made two first years carry his heavy trunk. "Hey, Princess, carry your own stuff, this isn't your home and I'm sure as hell not your mum."

 

*               *               *

 

It was late, and Severus had just finished settling in to his chambers. He had FINALLY obliterated the smell of whatever the last professor had been anointing himself with, something flowery and … well, very un-Severus. Looking over his notebook, he began to plan out what he would teach the different years. The man had his doubts, "What the hell am I doing here?" he said to himself.  
  
"Answering your door?" Came a familiar voice from the other side. A soft knock, and the headmaster waited patiently.  
  
Severus was startled before he quickly rose and answered the door, "Sir…" he said, opening the door wide, inviting the headmaster in to enter.  
  
Dumbledore walked in, smiling a little, "Good evening Severus, how are you?"  
  
"I confess, a little anxious. Can I get you something. Sir?"  
  
"No, no, thank you Severus, I'm still full from the excellent dinner. May I sit?"  
  
"Please, yes ... please."  
  
Dumbledore sat, blue eyes more vivid than ever. "I had hoped to catch you after dinner, but you left so early. I'm very glad you accepted my offer, Severus, it's good to see you again and I'm sure the students will benefit from your experiences." He looked out the window, "I heard of your adventure on the train with Harry, thank you, had you not been there ..."  
  
"Yes sir, of course-" dark creatures were Severus's specialty and he was glad to be of use, "though, I suppose one should not be surprised that young Mr. Potter is more susceptible to them then most."  
  
"It is unfortunate, but true ... if they continue to target Harry, perhaps you as Defense teacher could help him a little with a few pointers?"  
  
"Yes." Severus nodded, "of course." though already in the back of his mind he was not so keen on being close to the boy who looked so much like his father.  
  
"In addition, with Remus Lupin at large ..." Dumbledore sighed, "I was hoping perhaps you could focus your lessons on how to avoid a werewolf attack, and how to recognize signs of speaking to an infected individual." The headmaster sounded tired and saddened, his voice lowered, "I think your experience on the issue may give you a unique perspective ..."  
  
"Yes, I was just thinking that over … I assume, age is indiscriminate in this case, in the sense that the subject matter should be adjusted and taught to all students, regardless of their year?"  
  
"Yes, I trust you to make the lessons appropriate to each year, of course." He stood, "I apologize, Severus, but the first night of our students arrival is always a busy one for me ..."  
  
"Of course. I understand sir. But do …" Severus took a moment, to be calm and reassuring, "I of course am not well versed in school politics, but if there is anything that I can do … I would hope that you would ask."  
  
"As a very dear friend of mine would advise, Severus, constant vigilance will do." Dumbledore walked to the door, opening it and peering back at Severus with relieved eyes. "It is nice to see you again. Very nice ... good night!" The headmaster closed Severus's door as though he were still a first year in his dormitory.

 

*                    *                    *

 

With a new curfew to be observed this year, Hogwarts had been carefully secured every night for the past several months, after which Severus Snape had taken to his second job, searching out the grounds for signs of werewolf activity.  
  
"Oi! You there-"  A voice bit out in the darkness and Severus was lit as though a spot light had been turned on him, full blast, "Stay where y- oh ..." the light went off and a man laughed. "Sorry there, blind?"  
  
"Mm" Severus groaned a little, blinking his sensitive eyes, "yes, thanks."  
  
Sirius jogged over, smiling, "I thought you were some seventh year skulking about, Fred or George with a wig."  
  
Rewrapping the scarf around his neck Severus loosened his grip on his wand as Sirius approached, "And you …? What are you doing out at this hour?"  
  
Sirius ditched his professor's robe for a dark dragon-hide jacket that looked well-worn over the years, "Watching out for seventh years ... you know skulking, sneaking, up to no good, crawling behind low bushes, a quickie behind the greenhouse ... skulking. You?" The potions professor had good genes on his side, of course, and in the low light of their wands, Sirius looked not much older than a seventh year himself.  
  
Severus raised a skeptical eyebrow, why on earth anyone would leave school after nightfall, after the warning the headmaster had given at dinner seemed like such an absurdity, that if anyone did, they deserved whatever they got … eaten alive, or worse. "I'm checking the grounds, actually … on my way to the border of the forest, for signs of werewolf activity."  
  
Dementors flew high in the night sky, dark clouds still maintaining a respectable distance.  
  
Sirius nodded, his face sobering a little, "Yeah ..." he looked off towards the grounds, fingers twitching around the wand, "two pairs of eyes are better than one I guess ..."  
  
Severus did not want to question Sirius's ability to handle himself should something arise, and secretly he valued the company, so he resolved, "If you have nothing better to do."  
  
Sirius laughed a little bitterly, "I have zero life these days. Trust me." He started walking, "We could start over here ..."  
  
Severus had to wipe his mind for a moment, as he had momentarily heard Sirius say to him, _'we could start over, here'_  . "Forgive my abruptness Sirius, but Lupin hasn't tried to contact you, in letters or … has he?"  
  
Sirius turned, face unreadable in the shadow, "I don't think they hand out stationary in the crazy-maker."  
  
"No, no I mean since, since his escape."  
  
There was a pause, Sirius still in shadow before he admitted, "No. Nothing."  
  
Severus nodded slightly, taking into consideration both, that he trusted Sirius, but also that the man had been good friends with the escaped prisoner before … before so much had gone wrong.  
  
He sighed and turned, headed into the woods, "C'mon, if I get eaten I want a witness ..." It wasn't just that he'd been good friends with Remus before everything had happened at school, but after school they'd reconnected with each other, neither of them mentioning a thing about James. At the time of Remus's imprisonment, Sirius would have bet his life that the werewolf was incapable of such a betrayal. The quiet, bookish man was hardly a saint, something that had become clear after they'd left school, but it was actually refreshing to the pureblood that Remus stopped trying to be perfect when they'd all been shoved into the real world ... the war; Remus, however, was decent and Sirius trusted him as he trusted only one or two other people. The other walking beside him tonight. "So where did you disappear to after school ended?"  
  
"Disappeared" Severus said numbly, "like you said" he touched his hand against passing trees, some scratched and marked up by thestrals, others by hippogriffs. Severus knew all the signs of all the animals, griffin droppings, winged horse feathers versus those from owls, "anthropological study of vampires in Russia, Minotaurs in India … and of course werewolf communities and other such- unique individuals."  
  
Sirius looked back, "Wow ... " he looked genuinely impressed, "you lived with a bunch of vampires?"  
  
"Five months, returning, with a standing invitation during their holidays."  
  
He laughed, "Doesn't happen much ... "  
  
"No … suppose not." Still, that was the past, and that's where it stayed for Severus as he walked, still searching for signs, squatting down once or twice to compare imprints in the ground against his own hand, all those he found so far were too small.  
  
"Moon was just full, wasn't it?" Sirius inspected some wear on a few branches with his lit wand.  
  
"Two days ago, yes."  
  
He looked up into the tree, squinting a bit before he decided to leave it, "We would have heard about any new attacks by now."  
  
"If his intention is to attack. My guess is of course is that he is smart enough not to draw that sort of attention to himself, but rather is waiting, if not planning for his opportunity to go after his sole target."  
  
"Harry ..." he sighed. Sirius's full mouth clamped into a thin, worried line as he surveyed the dark.  
  
Severus did not confirm, but left the statement as it was - as he was not quite convinced - a voice nagged at him that anyone could do math, even in prison, and Lupin could have easily have escaped during Harry's first year at Hogwarts, so why now, why three years after? Severus remained paranoid and sceptical of almost everything, it served him well, so he said nothing more for the time being.  
  
Wanting to break up the evening a little, the new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor began, "So … professor," Severus was constantly amused by this title, "do you referee the Quidditch games these days?"  
  
Sirius grinned and looked back, rolling his eyes, "I refereed for a little while but I was-" he searched for the right phrase, "a little overenthusiastic, so Dumbledore decided maybe I should just coach on the side."  
  
"Ah" Severus smirked approvingly, "that keeps you entertained I'm sure."  
  
"It's a hobby." The hobby kept Sirius in prime form, evidenced by how he scaled a sudden drop in the forest floor, six feet straight down into a creek bed.  
  
Severus cast a dim light into the forest, then sighed, "I'm calling it a night … there's nothing here. However, I'll be doing this often if you find yourself available."  
  
"I found a print ..."  
  
"Where …?" Severus stepped forward.  
  
"Down here ..." Sirius was examining a clear, very large wolf print by the creek, in the mud.  
  
After carefully lowering himself down the sudden slope to the creek, Severus once more squatted down, comparing his own hand to the side of the print, it was larger, exactly what he was looking for. "Good eyes Sirius …" he said coldly, looking back over his shoulder, then up ahead, seeing where the print was coming and going from.  
  
Sirius flicked his head to the left, "more-" he whispered. There they were, a clear trail following the creek upstream. He stood and walked over, quietly as he could in his boots, keeping a careful eye on everything around them, in the bushes and trees overhead.  
  
"Wait ..." Severus said quietly, "we can't do this- not like this- let me follow the prints. They are too obvious … I want you to follow just parallel- out of sight."  
  
Sirius looked back at him, surprised again this evening. "Trust me," he whispered, "it's the second day after the change, he's probably very weak but you still want me to find him first ..."  
  
"Sirius, I don't agree with this." Severus made himself very clear, standing his ground on the issue.  
  
Shaking his head, but not glaring as people may have expected him to, Sirius kept his voice down. "I stand a better chance of surviving ..."  
  
Still Severus did not agree, this was _his_ job after all, in this situation, he deemed Sirius's presence an unnecessary risk.  
  
Rain started to fall through the trees, rustling the leaves quietly, like whispers all around them. Black swallowed, voice soft, tilting his head a little closer to Severus as he whispered in a hoarse voice, "I'm still not letting anything happen to you."  
  
"Sirius, please …"  
  
"Actually-" came a voice, "I don't have a wand, so both of you stand a better chance." Something still resembling a man was leaning heavily against a tree, dirty, drenched, tired.  
  
Sirius turned, eyes wide, "... Remus?" he whispered, standing between the shape and Severus.  
  
Severus cast a sharp light spell, and exploded the small area with a brilliant light to make the stranger clear. It was soon followed by a blasting charm that sent the escaped prisoner back into the mud.  
  
"… wait … please!" Remus cried out, voice raw, barely able to protest.  
  
"STOP!" Sirius shouted, at both of them, one hand out against Severus, the other towards Remus. "Hey, hey ... easy there tiger ..."  
  
Severus pulled at Sirius, "What the hell are you doing?" He was furious, almost to the point of feeling betrayed. Lupin was a threat, no matter what state he was in.  
  
He looked at Remus, "If you run, I'll get you myself-" he said, firmly, trying not to sound like his knees were close to giving out.  
  
"I'm not … not not not … not going to run … not … I'm not." Remus submitted himself by not getting up as he started to do, but just laid back down, it was better that way.  
  
Sirius swallowed and his hand closed around Severus's hand for a moment, stilling the man. "Okay- okay ..." Sirius's heart was pounding, deafeningly, "why did you ..." first things first, "Severus- I think we need Dumbledore out here ..."  
  
Severus still kept both eyes on the werewolf, as well as his wand, "Then take your wand out and send for him."  
  
Sirius kept his wand on Remus and nodded, turning his wand arm away to send a strong jet of white light streaking through the forest to summon the headmaster. "Are you hurt?"  
  
"I'm tired ... Sirius ... please ... I can't believe ... seeing you ... I can't ... I'm not, I'm not not not ... I ..."  
  
Sirius let go of Severus's hand and stepped a bit closer, visibly struggling not to go and help Remus. "You're not what?"  
  
In the darkness, Remus's eyes flashed more dangerously, wildly then they ever had in his youth, "I'm not a killer … I haven't … I didn't … I'm not … not not me … not."  
  
"Remus-" Sirius swallowed, on his guard again, "calm down. I ... can't decide that, that's not my job."  
  
"Please" the werewolf cried out, tired in every way a person can be, "Sirius you must … Severus, Severus you can tell … you must know, I … you won't be deceived …"  
  
Severus was not so sure.  
  
Sirius took another step forward, "All they found of Peter was his finger, Remus-" he shook a little, finally able to ask, "how do you explain that?"  
  
"Perhaps-" another voice behind them echoed, "it can be explained indoors ... Good evening, Remus." Dumbledore stepped closer, silent.  
  
Severus frowned, "Sir" he protested the idea of bringing the werewolf closer to school grounds, keeping his wand and eyes on the man he thought he had known.  
  
"Dumbledore …" Remus's voice was like a child, grateful that he wasn't being grounded.  
  
"Arrangements for the safety of the students have already been made. Severus, if you would ensure Mr. Lupin is adequately restrained, we may all go inside quietly. I do not wish to alarm the students more than is necessary." The headmaster nodded at Sirius, "Sirius, lead the way please."  
  
Sirius backed down, unable to look away and he was glad Dumbledore put Snape in charge of binding Remus. Sirius licked his lips, nodding as though out of a trance and started to walk out of the forest.

 

*                    *                    *

 

The ordinary coziness of the room made seeing Remus like this surreal, and convinced Sirius that Dumbledore was actually completely out of his mind. The room they were in looked like an old lady's parlor, complete with flowery chairs and a tea set. Sirius stood near the door, having steeled himself on the walk there a little more, his head full of questions. Once Snape, Lupin and the headmaster were all inside, Sirius locked the door, turned it to silver with a tap of his wand, and stood in front of it.  
  
"Severus, please find Remus a seat near the fire, thank you." The headmaster drew all the curtains, and it became clear why he chose the silver and blue parlor, almost everything that wasn't the carpet or upholstery looked made out of sterling silver.

Remus shivered coldly, despite the fire, the room was a death trap for him, and even the cold smell of the silver built up some anxiety, which there werewolf held in his chest.  
  
Severus sat Remus down, having kept an expert eye on him as he handled the werewolf. Severus stepped away, leaving Remus's hands bound in his lap as he stood two feet away. He was prepared though, should somehow Remus get a hold of a wand, Severus was ready with a pouch of silver dust in his pocket that all he needed to do was to throw at the other man in order to subdue him.  
  
Sirius kept his place at the door, arms still crossed, just staring at the back of Remus's head, at the length of his almost completely grey hair.  
  
Dumbledore nodded to thank Severus and conjured a mug of water for Remus, "You must be thirsty Remus, I wasn't sure if you are quite up to tea yet." Tea appeared in the silver cups on the tray for everyone else. The headmaster reached into his pocket, snapping some chocolate off of a concealed bar and offering it to Remus with his fingers, "chocolate?"  
  
Remus had begun to drink the water with an otherwise indescribable thirst, "P-please …" Remus held out a trembling hand.  
  
Dumbledore placed the bar in his palm and sat back again, addressing him as he would any errant student, "As you may know, we are in the chambers of the late Rowena Ravenclaw, who longed for knowledge ... as I'm sure we are all anxious to discover the truth after so many years. Mr Lupin, I cannot legally administer veritaserum without your informed consent, but if you agree to take it, Sirius can summon a batch from his personal stores and we can add it to your water."  
  
"Yes." Remus agreed quickly, looking around, then back, seeing Sirius, "Yes … I consent … please, anything … I agree."  
  
Sirius paled again and nodded, looking to Severus to make sure he would keep Remus under watch while he opened the door, but Severus was already doing the job well enough that there was no need. He opened the door, hand out of the gap, "Accio Veritaserum" the potions store closet was just across the hall, something Dumbledore probably planned on, and the door of it opened at Sirius's command, releasing a vial of the clear liquid into his palm. The pureblood closed his hand, the door across the hall and then the silver door of the flowery interrogation room with several locks. "Severus ..." he nodded, tossing the vial into Snape's hand.  
  
Severus caught up the bottle, opening the stopper, satisfying himself as he glanced to the potion, smelling, checking that it had no smell before looking to Lupin, remaining forceful, "Your cup" he asked.  
  
Remus held the mug out watching Severus as several drops were poured into his drink, then letting it mix, began to drink again, most willingly.  
  
Sirius rolled his eyes, "You think I summoned vinegar?" His attention, even now was on Severus.  
  
Severus looked to Sirius honestly, "Just wanted to be certain" he did not want there to be a conflict of interests here, but the corner of his mouth turned into something friendly, not intended as threatening just because he had double checked.  
  
Dumbledore couldn't keep the flicker of an amused smile off of his face, letting Remus drink a few swallows before he said, "Now that we're all certain as to the contents of the potion, Remus, may we ask a few questions?"  
  
"Yes sir, yes."  
  
Dumbledore smiled, "Very well, I think we can all take turns. Can you tell me the name of the structure you visited every full moon?"  
  
Remus blinked before he realized this was a test, "When I was here at Hogwarts, it was the shrieking shack."  
  
"Very good, thank you, Remus." Dumbledore nodded to Severus to ask.  
  
"Why did you escaped, now, as opposed to before?" that was still the most curious thought Severus had about Lupin's escape. Why now.  
  
"I had no reason before, no evidence. No evidence against the real person who betrayed the Potters … Peter. I didn't think he had survived … but then. When I saw him in the newspaper, I knew I had to get out, I had to get the truth out before he could hurt someone again."  
  
Sirius frowned, stepping forward, "Peter can't have betrayed Harry, he wasn't the secret keeper, you were."  
  
"Oh god, Harry …" Remus said, struck with a flashback. "No" he swallowed hard, "Peter was the true secret keeper. We all agreed, it wouldn't be much of a secret to pick me … which was no way to keep a secret safe, if everyone knew where to get it … no, I pretended, and Peter was made the real secret keeper. I did not betray James or Lily … I was doing what they had wanted, until everything went so, so … so wrong, it wasn't me."  
  
Sirius just stared, "You switched."  
  
"Yes, yes … and then oh god …" Remus drank again, giving himself something to do as his voice broke, throat dry.  
  
"Then … what happened that night? How do you know …?" Severus remained firm, intense.  
  
"Aren't you listening? Peter!" Remus growled, "I was following a magical trail from the Potters, it led me to Peter … oh god, Peter … he planned everything, the entire set up, to make as much of a distraction as possible … because then his escape, he changed and made his escape into the sewers."  
  
Sirius stepped between them again with questions of his own, his handsome face still skeptical, "Wait- you're saying that you saw Peter in the newspaper? Then wouldn't other people have seen Peter who's supposedly now on the run with only nine fingers?" He paused, realizing.  
  
"No no … Peter is … was, is … the rat."  
  
"You saw Wormtail ..." Sirius sat down, hard on the coffee table.  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"When!?" Sirius looked almost as pale as Remus did under all the filth.  
  
"A family … I don't know who … looked like Arthur Weasley … but different, everything, everyone has changed so much … and he, Wormtail, he was there with one of the boys, like he's ... he's some sort of pet!"  
  
Dumbledore blinked and stood, "Sirius ... " Sirius was already out the door, running down the hallway.  
  
Severus stiffened, wand hand snapped up to Remus again with the sudden movement of the room as the door was left open.  
  
Dumbledore gestured and it was shut again, locked. "Well ..." the headmaster sighed and looked at Remus with some wonder, "I don't think we'll have to wait long for Sirius to return with our surprising new development ..." he seemed a little more relaxed around Remus now. "I would offer something to eat but it may affect the veritaserum ..."  
  
"I'll wait … I've waited this long …" Remus looked up the end of Severus's wand.  
  
There was another question of course that Severus wanted to know the answer to, but he did not want to put into words, so the two men just quietly regarded each other for a time.  
  
The door rattled under the pounding of Sirius Black's fist, "GOT HIM!"  
  
Dumbledore opened it with a wave of his hand and Sirius stepped in, looking furious and manic, with a pillowcase in his hands that contained something small and squealing. "I always thought that if Ron's rat was running away from every potions class, maybe he should leave it in the dorm room." He handed the bag to Dumbledore, disgusted, eyes blazing, "Should have known why."  
  
Dumbledore nodded solemnly, leaning over the tied shut bag and untying it carefully before he pulled a rat out, holding it in his hands, "Is this the rat you spoke of?"  
  
Remus sat anxiously in the chair, sitting up a little straighter, licking his lips eagerly, eyes like the animal in him just about to pounce, "Yes …! Reveal yourself, coward!" Remus had a hard time restraining himself with the enemy so close.  
  
Dumbledore just held up a hand, "One moment, we must ensure that all precautions are taken ..." The rat was shivering in Dumbledore's palm, trying to hide it's face as he walked the rodent into a small, windowless bathroom, seemed to inspect the floors carefully, and put the rat in the bathtub, setting a spell on it wordlessly. The rat squeaked and ran, trying to dodge the jets of light but was hit it on the second try. The headmaster's eyes narrowed and he shut the door, transfiguring it into glass so that they could all see Peter, but he could not escape.  
  
"Mr. Pettigrew ..." Dumbledore sighed, "have you anything to say for yourself?"  
  
Peter twitched, having been a rat for far too long, taking on it's personality even now as a man, cowering dramatically before Dumbledore, "Oh … oh …!"  
  
The headmaster did not look impressed in the least, "Mr. Pettigrew?"  
  
Sirius strode forward, stepping over the coffee table to confront Peter, "You COWARD! You SPINELESS, snivelling sonofaBITCH!"  
  
"Sirius!" Peter squeaked, "Sirius … no, you don't understand …!"  
  
With the bodies of people becoming one thing then another, the yelling, the deception, and such anger, all made Severus feel ill. Yet even though his mind wandered to darker thoughts, still he made sure the werewolf was kept at bay.  
  
"You put him in AZKABAN!"

Dumbledore put one hand on Sirius's chest and it was as though the pureblood had all of the air taken out of his lungs, he stumbled back, falling on his ass behind Dumbledore, quiet and a little dazed. Dumbledore frowned, "I'm sorry, Sirius, but it's vital that everyone here remain very calm despite the circumstances."  
  
"I didn't meeeeeaaan too-" Peter protested, "James … James was no friend to you …"  
  
Sirius gasped and shook his head, sounding a little sedated now, "Harry. Let's not even ... think about the two parents you killed, let's think about what you did to Harry. You orphaned him ..."  
  
"But you were there … weren't you? And then, I was there too! I've always been here … watched over him, I was so good, I didn't hurt him …"  
  
"You were only waiting for your big friends to come back, weren't you? You could never stand up for yourself." Sirius glared, muttering with venom at Pettigrew, "You set Remus up for it all ..."  
  
Strangely the twitchy man seemed to pride himself on being able to take credit for doing something right, after all, he had shown them, hadn't he? That he wasn't such a loser, he wasn't as dumb and incompetent as his so called friends had always made him out to be, "But friends forgive ... don't they Remus, don't they?"  
  
Sirius just made a disgusted noise, looking away from Peter and over to Remus.  
  
When all eyes were on Remus only then did he realize that he had to respond to Peter, "I can't forgive you, not for this Peter … you took me from Sirius."  
  
Severus finally lowered his wand, a little defeated, the question he had wanted to ask had been answered.  
  
Dumbledore nodded gravely, "Not to mention, Mr. Pettigrew, the matter of killing a dozen muggles ..."  
  
"I hadn't meant … it was just supposed to put some distance between myself and Remus, so I could get away … was going to come back and explain later, to help look after the boy …"  
  
Severus finally spoke up. "You say that a lot Pettigrew, that you did not mean for it to happen. But it did, didn't it? And I have yet to see you take ownership for your actions. You have a way about you, a slippery tongue for sympathetic ears ... but the only thing you regret, is getting caught."  
  
Sirius looked in Remus's direction, but past his emaciated form to Severus. "Exactly."  
  
Dumbledore nodded, "Very well," he sent his own patronus, a large, shimmering white bird that flew out of a high window, and explained, "I've just summoned the representatives from the ministry and I'm very sure they'll find all of this quite enlightening."  
  
Sirius stood again, "Wait ... you're not bringing the dementors in here are you?"  
  
Dumbledore shook his head, "I will insist that Mr. Pettigrew receive a thorough trial, as Remus should have."

 

*                    *                    *

 

Sirius, usually a nervous pacer just sat on a sofa in the professor's lounge at two in the morning, waiting for the ministry to finish questioning Peter and Remus. He stared numbly at the opposite wall with a cup of bad, almost cold coffee in his hands. _I'm going to wake up and this won't be real._  
  
Severus walked over from the counter with the box of cookies he retrieved from one of the cabinets. He took up the cold cup of coffee from Sirius's hand and replaced it with a chocolate chip cookie, still saying nothing.  
  
Sirius came back to life, looking up at him, "Oh ... thanks. I guess I forgot to drink it" he put his elbows on his knees, breaking the cookie apart and eating slowly. "You don't have to wait with me if you're tired ..." _But it's nice._  
  
"I'm not sleeping tonight, in any case. I want to see this resolved, too." he assured, not being able to claim that he cared about Remus the same way that Sirius did, but he did care about justice.  
  
Sirius nodded, sighing as he circled his shoulders back, letting his bones crack loudly. He laughed around the cookie in his mouth and then swallowed, "I didn't think we'd actually FIND him."  
  
"He wanted to be found." Severus explained, "The tracks were obvious, I assumed a trap. That's why I wanted you to walk just off to the side … but my guess is that he recognized our voices and took the chance, he wanted to be found … he wanted you to know the truth."  
  
Sirius looked up again, "You were worried he was going to attack me."  
  
"Yes. I was."  
  
"Why?" he asked, too tired and too mentally drained to be anything but direct and possibly stupid.  
  
"In truth, I questioned why it was that Remus would escape now, rather then when Harry first started school, if he was indeed the intended target. I thought that maybe he somehow realized you were here … and was coming after you. At the time, it was my understanding that he had already gotten Potter, and Peter … you would have been the last, to complete his … goal." Severus was careful not to use the word _collection_. "I did not want you hurt … protecting the students and staff from werewolf attack was my job, and I was worried, that if you interfered, like you had- like you had with Malfoy, that maybe, you wouldn't get away with just a few scars. It could have been worse. And I don't want that. Even though you offered so long ago, to do anything, to protect me … I don't want that, I don't want your suffering, or hurt, or worse because of me."  
  
Sirius forgot to blink at all. "I don't ... I don't mind interfering," he looked down at his hands, "like I did with Malfoy." More excuses came to mind but none of them left his lips, "I still mean what I said before."  
  
Severus sighed a little, "Sirius …" the man was turning in on himself, struggling to keep his most valued connection, "when we spoke, when you … when I, forgave … in my mind, I also released you from any obligation. Though I do not regret our encounters- having you over, being able to be held by you again … I treasure them, but I hate to think that it is all somehow forced, that you feel you have to."  
  
Sirius turned his head, looking at Severus in the almost dark where they now sat side by side on the couch. "I don't have to, I know that ... I just like-" he swallowed, "somehow along the line, it became easy to help ..." his voice tapered off, eyes on Severus's lips. "I guess I grew up."  
  
Severus's smile was slow as it evolved across his face. One hand reached around to the back of Sirius's neck as he leaned in, pressing their faces, cheek to cheek, whispering into the pureblood's ear, "So good" he reminded the man.  
  
Sirius's eyes closed as Severus pulled him closer and whispered. Suddenly Sirius didn't feel grown up at all, he felt clumsy and young, uncertain and full of rushing, feverish blood that was going to all the wrong places, "Good?" he repeated quietly, his hands rising, almost going to Severus's back, but not yet.  
  
"Yes Sirius" Severus wrapped his other hand around Sirius's back, holding himself to the man, "so good" he said curling against him.  
  
Sirius let himself hug Severus back in the small, abandoned room, shut away from everyone else in the world. He sighed and held Snape close, his face still drifting against Severus's. "Why did you always ask me to come over?"

"I missed you" something hot and wet rolled down the side of Sirius's neck, "how you spoke, how you smelled, how you touched … so good … I wanted to be with you, have you with me … it was the only way I could think to make it happen." Having Sirius around was something Severus could trust in an otherwise unstable world. Sirius was familiar to him. Someone, he had over the years, somehow grown comfortable with.  
  
Sirius reached up, thumbing away the tears he was clearly ashamed of, "Severus ..." he murmured. "I never thought you of all people would ever want ..."  
  
"I don't know what to say Sirius … except that, I still love the man who used to throw grapes at me during breakfast in our first year … I still love the man who wouldn't let others beat up on me, because only he was allowed to … I still love the man who helped me escape from Malfoy, and saved me from joining the Death Eaters … who gave me truth … who was gentle … that's the Sirius Black I know and want. So I asked this version of you to come over, to hug, to lay with me in bed until I fell asleep ... because that's what I want."

Sirius was silent, stunned, and his voice was soft and shaking as he asked, "You love me?"

Severus paused, _I just said that … I just said it like it was the easiest thing in the world._ Severus clung to Sirius a little more, tucking his head against the man's neck, kissing it once with a gasp, "Yes, yes I do."

He rested his forehead against Severus's temple and swallowed as he felt lips against his neck, "Severus-" his eyes closed and it felt like someone were shaking the ground under his boot covered feet.

Severus was quiet, then pulled back, holding Sirius at arms length, "Sorry …" he tried to smile, fond and apologetic, "I did not mean to put this on you, ever. I'm sorry."

Sirius looked confused, "Don't apologize ... especially not to me, after what I ..." he trailed off just looking at the other man. "What do you want?" he asked quietly.

"Please understand me. I am not as dysfunctional to love someone who would hurt me …" Severus said with a more sober tone. "The person that hurt me that day- that person, it wasn't you. And …" he sighed, letting go, hand in his lap, feeling that they were back to obligations again, "nothing, I want nothing."

Sirius shook his head and very, very slowly moved closer, hands resting on Severus's chest. "What do you want?"

"To be with you. To give us, an honest chance." Severus was staring at Sirius's collar bone and no higher. "It won't work, and that's fine … but I would truly regret not giving us a chance."

Sirius nodded, "Alright ..." he murmured, "a chance ..." he moved one hand up, cupping the other man's chin and tilting his face up so that their noses brushed. Sirius closed his eyes and kissed Severus, very gently, slow, his own knees shaking under the cover of his rough jeans.

A shiver ran down Severus's neck, all the way to the small of his back. Severus looked at Sirius like this, up close, almost inspecting him, making sure what he saw in the other man was still the truth he had come to expect from him. Severus whimpered, all the tricks he had used with Malfoy falling away from his mind as he kissed Sirius, greedy for him as his heart hammered harder in his chest.

"Mmm ..." a surprised moan left Sirius's chest as the kiss deepened, their lips tugging and brushing.

Severus was not sure what would now happened between them. After all, he had only ever been with Sirius, Malfoy, and whatever guest was introduced into the bedroom. Severus only knew that whatever part of him was damaged, he wanted Sirius to fix it, not because he had caused it, but because Severus trusted Sirius Black to do it right.

Sirius was loyal, when everything else fell away, when he was at his lowest he knew he was loyal and that was enough; but now he was torn between two loyalties, Severus and the promise he made years ago, or Remus and their history together, his new freedom.  
  
Severus hummed into the kiss, then pulled back, still hugging the man with a sigh, "Maybe this isn't the right time for this."  
  
Sirius looked down, "No ..."

 

*                    *                    *

 

Severus cast the Abhorrus Curse against a jar on the edge of his tabletop, while the jar began to tremble he asked the class quite calmly, "Anyone know the counter curse?" Severus glared as the silence remained, the jar continued to shake uncontrollably, had it been a person, they would have already had whiplash. "Come now, imagine this jar your friend, he is about to shake himself to death … what is the counter curse?"  
  
Hermione Granger put up her hand, waving her small fingers as she danced a little in her seat.  
  
Severus rolled his fingers impatiently, having long since learned not to call on Hermione, giving everyone a fair chance to think for themselves; the girl was doing no one any favors by always having the answer and not allowing others to attempt the work. The jar imploded in on itself and crashed to the floor. Severus sighed, "Miss Granger?"  
  
Hermione flinched and just looked at the jar disapprovingly before she answered, "There is no counter-curse, the Abhorrus curse is stoppable only by a very, very strong finite incatatem, so strong that only Dumbledore could manage it, or by the more common abhorrus elixir, a potion."  
  
"Is that so." Severus sneered, hand up as another jar flew over the heads of the students and into his hand. The Defense Against the Dark Arts professor smacked the jar down, "Miss Granger, why don't you come up here."  
  
Hermione's eyes widened and she looked from Ron to Harry before she stood and scurried to the front, nervous. Harry just sat up straighter and Ron looked a little angry.  
  
"According to Miss Granger only Dumbledore himself or a potion can save this jar from the fate of it's predecessor. Seeing as how a jar cannot drink a potion, nor is the Headmaster present, we will see if indeed there is an alternative should you find yourself alone and in need of a counter curse. Miss Granger" he loomed over her, eyebrow raised slightly, "I believe your classmates can all trust you to cast a proper Abhorrus Curse against this jar, I would like you to do so now."  
  
"But ... but the jar is ... I thought you meant against a person ..."  
  
"You wish to change your response then? Or perhaps you wish to demonstrate upon a student to get the point across?"  
  
Her eyes went over to Malfoy for a moment and she shook her head no. With a deep breath, she pointed her wand against the jar, "Abhorrus!"  
  
Again the jar began to tremble on the desk with rising intensity until Severus aligned his wand along the line of his pointer finger and centered against his stiffened wrist, caressing the shuttering jar, soothingly petting it as one might a pet, repeating, "Mulceo" over and over, quite gently, "Mulccceooo, muuulllceo-" the jar began to calm at his touch.  
  
Hermione's face flushed and she crossed her arms.  
  
"Very well miss Granger, you may sit." Severus patted the jar until it remained stationary once more, removing his hand. "Some of you are under the schooling that magic is a hands off activity … in the sense that there is always something bridging yourself and your subject, either it be a wand, or potion … there is something that keeps you separate. But this is not always true, nor wise. Often times the best kind of magic can only be, hand delivered." Severus made his point by stroking the jar once more.  
  
The students set about scribbling, a couple of them blushed deeply and giggled.  
  
Severus waited a moment before he summoned more jars from the storage wall, one for every table, "I would like you to prove that you have learned something here today, and not just something obscene." Severus barely glanced at Draco Malfoy.  
  
Draco shut up, looking at his parchment as innocently as he could.  
  
The students sighed, putting their parchment away and looking around curiously.  
  
Harry piped up, "Do we hex our own jars?"  
  
Severus often became distressed at the idea that he would stay on as a professor for years to come, the outstanding ignorance and lack of critical thinking on the student's part was so overwhelming that Severus did not know where to begin to break them of it, "That is the general idea, take it in turn to curse and counter curse your jar. Should it fall to its death, I believe you are all quite capable of casting a repairing charm and starting over."  
  
The students all looked at each other before a few cast the curse on the jar with varying success.  
  
Jars started shaking on desktops one after the other and the young students started to try to pet the jars into stillness again. No one could manage it.  
  
Severus was slightly disillusioned. He could only hope that if the students did not get it now, that they would eventually. There were direct rewards and consequences for actions, and he believed that people needed to see it, experience it for themselves, 'hands on' rather then at a safe, Ministry approved distance.  
  
Professor Black was sauntering past the defence classroom and happened to look inside with a little smile. He'd just come in from outside where it was raining, wearing only a thin sweater that clung to his form and soaked jeans, wet black hair plastered to his features.  
  
Walking over to Longbottom, Severus addressed the boy, "Longbottom, do you want that jar to break?"  
  
"No sir ..." he whimpered pathetically in his attempts, shaken by both the violent tremoring and the professor looming over him.  
  
"Then try with some feeling. This isn't just a jar, this is something or someone you care about, and you have the ability to save their life … come on Longbottom, you can't lose it … so do what is necessary, I know you can." Though Severus was tough, he was oddly encouraging.

Longbottom was almost to the point of tears as he caressed his jar, speaking the spell, but slowly it began to settle, the more invested Longbottom became in saving that jar, the more his magic worked.  
  
Sirius stopped in the open doorway, watching Severus, his hands, the jar, and the boy beside him.  
  
Severus insisted, "Gently …" as Longbottom got over eager and it began to tremble again.  
  
Harry, meanwhile, had spotted Sirius and waved at him with a smile. Malfoy turned, looking at whatever Potter was grinning at, and as he did so, the blonde bumped Crabbe's arm. Crabbe, a little slow as always, was still trying to curse his jar for the first time, "Abhorrus!" he finished saying, hardly noticing that his wand wasn't pointing at the jar anymore. The jet of light barely missed Harry Potter's head and streaked past Snape and Longbottom to hit the potions professor square in the chest.  
  
Severus was livid as he rushed to Sirius, catching up the man as he began to shake violently on the floor where he had fallen. Severus was careful not to physically restrain Sirius, which meant often allowing himself to get elbowed in the jaw, "Mulceo …" Severus began desperately, caressing long lines down the center of Sirius's chest with his finger and wand, "Muuulccceeeeooo-" his voice was slow, and calm, imposing the same onto Sirius's body.  
  
Sirius's body was almost buckling in on itself, teeth chattering as he thrashed on the floor as though he were having a seizure until Severus reached him and began to stroke his chest slowly. The change was very slow, hardly visible as his body started to calm, his chest calming first, then his hips, his thighs, his shoulders and neck, arms and then finally his hands and feet. Sirius lay in Severus's arms as though he were asleep or dead, pale and waxy looking from sweat.  
  
Harry stood, "Professor?" he walked closer, looking over Snape's shoulder, "Should I get ..."  
  
"Mmmulllceooo, mmmmuuullcccceeeoo …" Severus whispered, looking down at Sirius, the pureblood's head resting against his chest as he had knelt behind the other man, supporting, holding him.

"Sir-? Professor Black?" Harry  looked on.

"Potter, I give you permission to go into Professor Black's store room and get a pepper up potion."  
  
Harry nodded and ran down the hall, Ron and Hermione following of course.

Sirius took a deeper breath, fingers tightening a little, "Whatha-"  
  
"Easy-" Severus still imposed calmness against Sirius, "you were hit by a stray hex, Professor."  
  
He nodded and opened his eyes, smiling a bit, dazed, "Hi ..."  
  
Severus offered a soft, private smile, mouthing the word 'hello' but not speaking with such familiarity in front of his students. "Potter will return with a Granger, Weasley and pepper up potion in tow, we'll have you on your feet in just a moment."  
  
"M'fine ... I feel fine, Sev." Sirius tried to get up.  
  
Severus seemed amused though as Sirius attempted to stand, it was like being put at the bottom of the lake where the pressure was go great, that one sinks, rather then floats.  
  
Sirius fell again, backwards with a gasp.  
  
Severus easily caught up the other man again, "Like I said … take it easy."  
  
"What the fuck ..." he laughed and turned, facing Severus, "help ... I feel so bloody drunk but not ... happy about it, just wobbly."  
  
Severus nodded as Sirius's body more or less rolled around helplessly, not quite ready to respond to any movement, just stillness. Pulling one of Sirius's arms over his own shoulder, Severus pulled Sirius up to his feet, taking on most of the man's weight. Other arm hooked around Sirius's waist and supporting his back, Severus helped him walk back into the classroom and to the front desk, around to the chair where he let Sirius sit. Severus however immediately turned to the class, "You are dismissed. Your homework is to RE-read the class syllabus on classroom safety, I expect a comprehensive paper from all of you of what when wrong, and what went right today."  
  
The students all gaped a little then walked out, some of them lingering and whispering at their two professors at the front of the class.

Sirius was a little pink, "I didn't remember about the class ... sorry-" he muttered.  
  
Severus waited until everyone was gone before he let out a slow sigh. "Are you alright?" he asked as he finally turned to give his attention back to the other man.  
  
Sirius still had a fine tremor in his fingers, head back against the chair. "Yeah ... I'll be okay, just a little ... shocky feeling. Whoever did that had some beginners luck."  
  
"Crabb, I believe. Or Goyle, I get them confused." Severus worried his fingers behind his back, nervous. He then took up Sirius's hand and began to soothe the remaining effects of the curse out of Sirius's system, "… adds a little excitement to your day, hmm?"  
  
Sirius took a deep breath and closed his eyes. _You have no idea_ , "You could say that ..."  
  
Long after Severus had calmed the remaining tremor from Sirius's hand, the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor was still handling him, mindlessly massaging the fingers and the palm of Sirius's hand.  
  
Sirius sighed, "Good to see you again ... " it had been a month since the night they'd kissed, the night Severus said no and Sirius listened, walking away.  
  
"… good to see you too Sirius." Severus smiled a little, of course they saw each other in passing, at dinner or in meetings, but nothing else, "You're looking well … considering … you're soaking wet."  
  
Sirius smiled and opened his eyes, "Thanks ... I was just out for a quick fly between classes. I probably look like a drowned rat-" he paused, "so to speak."  
  
Severus took it as a hint, a reminder, "So" he let his hands fall away from Sirius, "how is Lupin."  
  
Sirius seemed much more relaxed, but still not well enough to stand. "He's ... he's recovering." His eyes dulled a little and he looked down, "I can't imagine what twelve years in that place is like, so ... I think he's doing alright."  
  
"Good to hear."  
  
He looked up again, watching Severus for a moment, "You know, I just wanted to say that ... no hard feelings about the other night. I don't want you to think I'm walking around all bitter or anything."  
  
Severus frowned a bit, trying to think back to what had happened just the other night that would make Sirius say such a thing, "What do you mean?"  
  
Sirius chewed his lower lip for a moment, "Well ... just, I don't feel rejected or ..." deep breath, "anything. It didn't work out and-" he felt suddenly short of breath and very warm under his wet shirt in the cavernous room. "If you're avoiding me, you don't have to. I'm not all bent out of shape, really."  
  
"I'm not understanding …" Severus still frowned, in a fierceness that would have reduced Longbottom to tears. "Are we talking about a month ago? Because if we are, I do not understand. Of course you shouldn't feel rejected, you said no, and I listened."  
  
Sirius blinked, eyes narrowing, "No, we ..." he took a deep breath and his hands started to tremble again, "we were in the lounge-" his voice was a little lower, softer, "we kissed and then you pulled away saying it wasn't a good time."  
  
"Of course it wasn't a good time, as Lupin, whose freedom was pending in just the next room was back in your life, and I had been little more then an erratic, poor substitute."  
  
The wet-haired, dazed man swallowed, "I thought you were saying no, that it wasn't a good idea period. You told me no and I ... I agreed ..."  
  
" _You_ said no, and I respected your wishes ..." Severus corrected. His heart raced and Severus looked down, "I let go because you were torn, because you needed to make the decision for yourself … and you chose Lupin, I understand that, I accept it."  
  
He looked Severus over, surprised before he leaned closer, hands going to Severus's forearms. "I was torn ... of course but I would have figured out how to tell Remus that there was someone else in my life if we-" His breath ran out and Sirius realized his lungs were squeezing, heart pounding hard in his chest. His voice lowered again, "I could have told him that while he was away things had changed and things ... could have changed back then ... " _I would have chosen you._ "I thought you knew, I already chose ... and you said no ..." his face went white.  
  
Severus was visibly pained as one hand fisted into his own side to work out a knot that was stabbing at him, while the other moved his face, covering his as he hid behind long fingers and even longer hair, "No … I … I didn't know-" Severus had never thought he had much of a chance with Sirius, especially when they were younger and Sirius was obsessed with being around Remus.  
  
"You said to give us a chance and I did and then ..." he took a deep breath, "you didn't mean to call off the chance after the first kiss?" Sirius laughed bitterly, almost muttering to himself, "You didn't kiss me once and then change your mind?"  
  
"No …!" Severus gasped, "No …" he said sadly, "I still wanted to give us a chance. I only wanted us to stop, for that _moment_ , to let recent events settle, if we didn't stop kissing- it just seemed rude to be enjoying each other so much, to want more … only to have another man's life hang in the balance just in the other room. I only meant, that very moment in time was not the right time- I did not mean, forever … but that's how you took it … and I …" Severus shook a little, feeling beyond foolish. His face burned, "I feel so stupid" he hissed, busying himself by cleaning up the remnants of broken jars in the classroom.  
  
Sirius swallowed, shut his eyes and rubbed his face, "Oh, fucking hell ... I didn't want to push you-" he mumbled into his hands. The pureblood sighed and he looked up, watching Severus. "Severus?"  
  
Severus took out his frustration on the closet door, kicking, "… and where the bloody hell is the broom!?"  
  
He stood unsteadily, his shoulder length hair drying a little around his face. "Severus ..." he walked over and put his hand on Snape's shoulder, just stroking softly.  
  
Severus stopped, "I'm sorry …" _being stupid!_ "making things worse, aren't I?"  
  
Sirius swallowed, "Can I ask for something this time?"  
  
"Yes Sirius, you can ask-" Severus swallowed.  
  
He turned Snape to face him and stepped into his arms, head on Severus's shoulder. "Your turn."  
  
Severus held Sirius strongly, wrists locking behind the man's back, slowing his own breathing, savoring the smell of the man in his arms.  
  
Sirius closed his eyes, leaning into him. Severus felt so solid, so unshakable now that they were both grown. _Just a hug_ , he repeated in his head, _just a hug, nothing wrong with that_. Sirius's hand, Quidditch rough, traced down the slope of Snape's back and Sirius sighed deeply. "I missed this." _How the hell did we ever get used to each other? When did that happen?_  
  
Severus was careful not to make it more then a hug, careful not to press his nose into Sirius's hair, kiss his temple. Careful not to bow his head to Sirius's shoulder and kiss it. Careful not to do many things. Though Severus _did_ give a small, delighted sigh as he held Sirius.  
  
"I thought maybe I kissed you wrong." Sirius whispered.  
  
"No-" Severus breathed out, "no, it was very good … it made me want to, well … do more."  
  
A young voice echoed from the opened door. "P ... Professors?" Harry stood there, blushing, with the pepper up potion.  
  
Sirius's eyes snapped open but he didn't move for an instant, "Oh, hey Harry," he grinned, "umm, just leave it on the desk, alright? Still working on the walking thing."  
  
Harry paled and blushed at the same time, looking anywhere but at the two men embracing.  
  
 _FUCKING HATE POTTER SO MUCH. IT'S ALL HIS FAULT._ Severus's heart pounded in his own ears, making it almost impossible to hear.  
  
Ron and Hermione were carefully studying the floor before Ron grabbed Harry's sleeve, "Comeonlet'sgostudy ..."  
  
Harry nodded, "Okay, Remus is ... he heard and he's looking ... bye!" The trio RACED out of the classroom and away.  
  
Some grit between Severus's teeth cracked as the man's jaw locked tight, eyes becoming slightly vacant; _the werewolf was coming_.  
  
Sirius stepped back, quickly, "Sorry -" he whispered as he pulled his arms away, "I'd better go find-" he wavered and caught himself on the edge of a desk as he fell. "Jesusholyshit why don't they WORK!?" _Christ, OTHER THINGS are perfectly stiff!_  
  
Severus numbly walked over to the desk where Harry had put the potion and handed it to Sirius, "This should help."  
  
Sirius laughed and nodded, "Right, great potions prof I am ..." he uncapped it and swallowed, coughing.  
  
The potion tasted like a shot of jalapeño peppers and he felt steam blow out of his ears for a second, clearing them before he opened his eyes and tried his legs a little. "Okay ... that helped a bit." _Unsexy. Think unsexy things. McGonagall naked on a cold day ... HAGRID naked on a- there we go. That worked.  
_  
Remus slammed his shoulder into the archway door to slow his momentum, "Severus …?! What happened to-?"  
  
Severus nearly jumped when the werewolf appeared, stepping back, licking at his lower lip, always keeping a carefully trained eye on the other man.  
  
"Sirius!" Remus rushed in.  
  
Sirius stood, keeping one hand on the desk, "Hey ... I'm fine, just caught a stray hex. Really, just had to rest a bit while I got my head on straight."  
  
The werewolf was still almost skeletal. He'd never had much of an appetite to begin with but now he almost never finished anything, Sirius was constantly trying to help him relax enough to actually enjoy a meal. He was still superhumanly strong though, despite his delicate body which was what helped him survive the prison for over a decade, Remus wasn't ever entirely human.  
  
"Who was it?" Remus looked to Severus was an explanation, "… they get a detention? What happened? Why is he here? Do you teach together?"  
  
Sirius held his hand out, "C'mere, you're a one man Spanish inquisition, Remus, gods. Not yet, I was peeking in at Harry during a class exercise and I got zapped by a student, this is his classroom and no."  
  
Remus took up Sirius by the hand, using it like a fishing pole, reeling themselves in.  
  
When the two embraced, Severus had mumbled, "Good day" and had left the room.  
  
Sirius sighed and hugged his over-anxious boyfriend, closing his eyes, "I'll live ..."


	4. Chapter 4

Professor Black was in class with his third years, sitting at the front of the room on his own desk, professor's robe ditched long ago, one long leg dangling off of the desk, down to the floor as he shook a vial of ingredients, "Now you have to shake this up enough that the mixture won't just separate as soon as you stop. Guys, this might be a familiar ... uh ... " he smirked, "nevermind. ANYWAY," he stopped shaking the vial in his closed fist and looked at the red and green solution, "See? It's hard to tell the colors apart, so you have to move fast and add it into the dirt that the mistletoe is growing in ..." he did so, blowing black unkempt hair out of his face that Lockheart was always trying to emulate. "Then wait two minutes EXACTLY and pour the glass of regular water over top and in twenty five minutes, your mistletoe will be scaring carollers shitless! I mean ... _shirtless_!"  
  
The class erupted with laughter, Professor Black was everyone's favorite of course; as opposed to across the hall, where Severus's idea of a laid back assignment for the holiday seasons was, " _…100 reasons why it is a bad idea to cut down a Christmas tree that is protected by a dryad, and what you should do to make amends if you do …_ "  
  
"Remember ... when McGonnagal asks, I said SHIRTLESS, you dirty-minded sharp eared children out there! So everyone come up here and get a pot of dirt with mistletoe in it, the ingredients and get into groups of two, the quicker, the better!" He clapped his hands and slid off the desk to make sure Longbottom didn't get trampled in the rush like last week.  
  
Ron budded up with Hermione and Neville inched his way closer to Harry, until their unofficial proximity made them become official lab partners.  
  
Sirius watched everyone get their supplies, "It's like feeding time at the zoo here ..."  
  
The students had all sat down and were working, chatting as they did. Sirius didn't mind the noise, at least this way he could listen to what they were trying to do when he wasn't watching. He walked up and down the aisles, "Malfoy, teaspoons are SMALLER than tablespoons. Really. Muggle studies. Consider it."  
  
"Zambini stop checking yourself out in the back of your spoon and measure something with it. Your hair isn't escaping. Yet." He left Hermione and Ron's table where they bickered with a smirk. "At each other's throats ... invite me to the wedding, kids" and started helping Harry and Neville.  
  
There was an insistent knock on the open door to the classroom, "Professor Black?" Severus spoke smoothly, but cold and sharp like ice, "May I have access to your storage room for a moment?" In the winter, the pale DAtDA professor looked even whiter, lifeless like the frozen statures outside, buried and forgotten under piles of snow.  
  
Everyone stopped and looked back at the chilled voice in the back of the room, a few eyes widening and a few hands going for cloves of garlic. Professor Black shrugged, "I don't see why not, Professor Snape, knock yourself out" there was a little smirk on his lips.  
  
"Thank you professor." Severus crossed along the back of the room, along the long wall, ignoring the students who, if had even bothered enough to do their reading in DAtDA would know better then to mistake him for a vampire, and that garlic was not a consistent allergy among vampires anyway.  
  
The students resumed their work, a couple of them distracted by Snape's presence, but most of them had added their solutions already and were counting to twelve.  
  
Sirius, bored, sat on his desk again, "Oh, Professor Snape?" he never got tired of that, "did you get the blood replenishing potion you asked for?" It was always fun to rile up the students.  
  
Severus almost let himself smirk, but his features remained calm, "Yes, thank you professor" he said with a side glance to those he passed before disappearing into the back storage room for a moment.  
  
"Finding everything back there?" Sirius peered over.  
  
The students were almost holding their breaths now, adding the glass of water as quietly as they could so they could hear anything Snape said.  
  
Severus was drinking from a small potion he was growing more dependant on as his anxiety heightened with each passing day. Severus had found himself all too aware of the things that happened behind his back - the bullies - the victims - the cheaters - the brats - he couldn't stand it, because he couldn't do anything about it. "Just what I needed." Severus came back out, licking his lower lip of the potion that still lingered.  
  
Sirius swallowed and stared for a second before he got up, "I think actually you missed ... something ..." he walked Severus back into the storage room. "You have something ..." Sirius almost reached up to wipe it away, whispering, "on your lip."  
  
Severus stood very still, lips parting, trusting Sirius to do whatever was necessary to get rid of it, "… what is it?"  
  
"I'm asking you ..." he swallowed and brushed the potion off of Snape's thin, but surprisingly warm lower lip, "not that I mind."  
  
"Oh …" the corner of Severus's mouth turned up into a little smile, "I thought you were saying that … I don't know, growing a boil or something … no" Severus swallowed again for good measure, "just taking a Tranquility Draught."  
  
Sirius tilted his head, voice quiet, "Is everything okay?"  
  
"I don't think teaching is for me … and I am not particularly fond of the holidays."  
  
"But you're doing a good job, the best anyone's done at that post in years ..." Sirius's fingers accidentally brushed the large, fabric covered buttons of Snape's jacket.  
  
"Sirius-" Severus's voice broke on the name, "It might be the best education they have ever gotten, but they hate me and I'm so … so very tired of being the one everyone hates …" that everyone picks on and teases behind his back, it hurt the man, deeply. He would not admit it to any other, not even Dumbledore. But school was still about who was the most popular, who was the most liked. It didn't change, just because Severus had become a professor and was no longer a student. The students hated that Severus pushed them hard, pushed them to achieve nothing short of their best. Severus was hard, but so was life, a lesson Severus felt was important for them to leave with.  
  
Sirius opened his mouth to reply but the classroom was filled with the sound of small, devious squeaking laughs. "Oh, bugger ... one second ..." he sighed and stepped back into the class, "Alright-" Sirius walked to the front again, a little less nonchalant than usual, "As you can tell, your mistletoe is almost ready to do it's job so it looks like class will get out early. Yeah, yeah, hurray, I know, go me. What you do NOW is take the mistletoe with you and in a few minutes it'll detach from the stem and find the person that you want to kiss the most. Because you made them in pairs, it'll do one and then the other, you'll have to work it out. ANYWAY- it'll go find the person," the class was excited and aghast, CHATTERING away, "you want to kiss the most and try to get you BOTH under it. The rest, as they say is history. If you want to keep your noses, pucker up, Merry Christmas and happy liplocking! Dismissed!"  
  
Sirius saw a wall of mistletoe headed for him and held out a hand, stopping them, "NULL AND VOID if the person is of legal age and you're not!" The sprigs grumbled and sought out second best targets.  
  
Blushing students chased their mistletoe out of the potions lab, others tried to hide it in their jackets, Ron and Hermione both pretended to think their mistletoe was just broken or lazy and they took off hastily, leaving just the professors. Sirius shut the door with his wand, "Anyway, why do you think they all hate you?"  
  
Severus pushed himself up, standing in the doorway that looked out into the potions lab, "Forget it, doesn't matter. Like I said, this just isn't for me."  
  
Sirius walked down to Severus, "Well you're going to finish the year out, right?"  
  
"Yes, of course. I wouldn't just abandon … I'm going to finish out the year." Severus resolved.  
  
"Good, otherwise I'd have to hunt you down and bring all the delightful little sons of bitches to your doorstep."  
  
"Please don't."  
  
The pureblood smirked a little, "But you know I would."  
  
"You might."  
  
Sirius sat back on a nearby desk, "Hanging around here for the holidays?"  
  
"Yes ... you?"  
  
"Yeah, yeah. Harry is so ..."  
  
Which to Severus was also the unofficial way of saying that Lupin, Harry's godfather, would be around as well. Severus just nodded, "Anyway, thanks … I might be making one or two potions a month for myself, if that's alright with you."  
  
"If you need any, just ask, I'll be bored out of my tree."  
  
"Thank you." Severus said quietly before beginning to walk off.  
  
A little voice called out, "Not so fast!" Severus's hair was tugged. Severus YELPED. The mistletoe that Sirius made as a demonstration was hovering over Severus, tugging him back to Sirius as it gnashed killer teeth.  
  
Sirius laughed and swore under his breath, "Oh shit, sorry ... I forgot about- No, you're just a demonstration stupid plant ..."  
  
The mistletoe started to chant, "Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!"  
  
"Get it out, get it-"  
  
Sirius reached behind him and batted the mistletoe away. "Out ... bloody berries, what the hell are you doing?"  
  
The mistletoe cackled and pushed Sirius's head towards Snape. They were just at the perfect angle after Sirius reached around the other man and their lips connected.  
  
Severus whimpered, panicked by the sudden assault, panicked even more that they were kissing, and maybe they shouldn't be; yet Severus's whimper soon became a soft, low hum, a sigh which he slowly let out.  
  
Sirius's hands flexed and then relaxed as his mind went a little blank. His lips softened against Severus's lips for a moment and they kissed again, properly. "Mmmh ..." Sirius hummed almost inaudibly at the firmness of the other man's mouth under his own, the taste of him.  
  
Though forced, like once before, this time Severus moaned into Sirius's mouth, pressing their tongues against one another, slowly twisting, caressing the other's mouth.  
  
Sirius groaned and one of his hands went to Severus's hip, pulling him closer as their tongues brushed inside the pureblood's mouth.  _He wants to ... he wants ..._ His other hand went to the back of Severus's head, cupping it for a moment.  
  
Hesitantly Severus curled his longer fingers around Sirius's waist, the palm of his hand just pressing into his hip bone, eyes barely closed, just peeking out to see if it was still real.  
  
The touch against his hip set Sirius off and his hand closed in Snape's hair, not able to stop or pull away. As much as they'd argued and hated each other before, all of that tension turned into passion once again.  
  
Leaning into Sirius, Severus kissed the man he had thought would have been least receptive to his interest. As Severus had never hated Sirius Black, he might have feared him for some time, but never hated him. Still, it was a minor distinction that allowed it so that Severus could kiss back bravely, rather then angrily.  
  
Their stomachs brushed, hips colliding as Severus's professor's cloak swept forward, enveloping Sirius as well. The pureblood groaned and brushed one hand down the back of Severus's neck, over the high collar, down the back of his black jacket as he felt the desk behind him press into the back of his thighs. "Mmm-"  
  
Severus continued to lean, to push forward until Sirius sat back on the desk, and the DAtDA professor was between Sirius's knees, holding him around his waist, "Sirius …" he breathed, a little desperate, fingers twisting in the pureblood's muggle shirt.  
  
Sirius was gasping, breathless as he felt his ass slide over the desk and then Severus's hands pull him close again. "Gods, yes ..." He couldn't stop himself from straightening, sitting tall enough to lean up and kiss Severus again, both hands at the small of his back, slipping up under the flowing black robe and stroking the back of his heavy jacket with longing.  
  
Severus grew another inch when Sirius touched just the right spot on his back, chest lifting, filling as he held his breath. Severus kissed the tip of Sirius on the chin, then up along the strong line of his jaw, and finally down, over the sensitive skin of his throat and neck.  
  
The pureblood groaned, tipping his head back, his dark hair now reaching halfway down his back. "Ohhh-" Sirius's hand started to lower until he stroked the subtle curve of Snape's ass through his clothes with a small gasp.  
  
Severus's body was tight against Sirius, even under all his layers. Not tight like death, unyielding, unforgiving, but tight, holding together what strength he had like a shell, armor to protect him. One of his hands drifted up Sirius's chest, pressing his palm against the very center, calming himself to feel a heart beat just as fast as his own.  
  
Sirius was breathing hard, "I ... oh gods I ... feels good, you feel good-" His hands started to undo the buttons of Severus's coat from the bottom to the top, revealing a white shirt underneath.  
  
Severus slowly slipped his hand down Sirius's chest, over the flat of his stomach, cupping his hand between his parted legs, barely touching. Pressing his face into Sirius's neck, Severus kissed it a few times, though his lips were parted, and he was breathing heavily against the man's skin, more then a little nervous.  
  
Sirius moaned deeply and his thighs spread quickly, "Severus ..." he gasped, hips rising, pushing himself against Snape's hand. He whimpered, "I haven't ... it's been a long time ..." His worn jeans strained against the warm hand as his cock throbbed beneath.  
  
"I … want to … just touch, please."  
  
Sirius nodded and lowered his face, kissing Snape hard again, needy and shaking.  
  
Severus pressed the base of his hand up against Sirius, groaning to feel the man through his pants. Severus shivered at the way Sirius kissed him, taking him into his mouth, whimpering to still feel Sirius's hands against his chest.  
  
Sirius let his hands rove over Severus's chest, one of his long legs winding around Snape's hips as he was palmed, "Feels good- good ..." their lips collided again feverishly, tongues brushing and tugging softly.  
  
"Mmm!" Severus licked his lips, "Sirius … please" he moved his other hand to the button of the worn jeans, "I want to touch you … look at you." Thumbing open the button on the jeans, letting the zipper spread open, Severus dipped his hand into the man's pants, cupping Sirius's sex with a groan, both warmed by the condensed heat of their bodies, "Oh gods …" Severus gasped, pulling his head back again so that he could look Sirius over his entire body, his chest, down to his stomach, and the hem of his pants where his own hand disappeared.  
  
Sirius gasped hard, watching Severus's hand and letting his hips rise sharply, "Oh fuck yes ..."  
  
Severus kept his head bowed down, looking at Sirius, watching how he moved to his touch. He watched how fluidly and easily Sirius's expressions changed from moment to moment. For Severus, the standard for normalcy was Sirius. This was what people were meant to look like when they enjoyed themselves. This was how people were meant to react. And so the DAtDA professor watched Sirius, and how he responded, beginning to experience what was normal through the other man. Twisting his hands around Sirius's cock, Severus moaned, mouth closed, eyes almost rolling back into his own head.  
  
Sirius leaned back on his elbows, easing his jeans down past his hips, exposing himself completely as his eyes closed and his head fell back, "Ohgods, ohgods ..." his hips started to rise and rise and rise rhythmically as Severus stroked him, sweat just beginning to wet his skin, "OhgodsyesSeverus ..."  
  
Ever the scientist, Severus began to play with Sirius. Not maliciously, but experimentally. Sometimes jerking him off hard, other times caressing the side of his shaft gently, sometimes twisting his fingers around just the head, or rolling the flat of his hand in small circles over his length. Severus shuddered quietly with delight, eyes wide on Sirius and how good he made it sound.   
  
Sirius's hands gripped the edge of the desk, hard, white knuckled and he moaned, "Sogood, feelsgood, there ... there, godsyesthere!" His lips parted as his breath panted in and out quickly, deeply, grey eyes closing and half opening by turns, black hair hanging down to the desk underneath as sweat started to trickle down his bare arms, down his chest and stomach over his ivory skin.

Touching Sirius like this was something Severus never would have thought possible before. He was touching Sirius, touching Sirius Black. Thumbing over the slick head, Severus was dedicated to watching his own hands touch the pureblood, to his cock, to his pleasure. "… Sirius …" Severus gasped, milking Sirius with one hand in long, strong, fluid movement, while pressing his other hand against the desk as he leaned in again, kissing the center of Sirius's chest.  
  
One of Sirius's hands went to the back of Severus's head, tangling in his hair. "Ahhh ..." he moaned, "ohMerlin, fuck, so close ..."  
  
"Want to feel you-" Severus said softly, "want to watch you."  
  
"Close, close ... yes, Severus-" Sirius gasped and a soft, strangled noise escaped his lips, "there, thereyesyesYES-" he moaned with a shaking, deep voice and his cock pulsed in Severus's hand just before Sirius was swept into a blinding orgasm.  
  
"Sirius …!" Severus watched, eyes wide as he felt the man come into his hand, hot and sticky between his fingers, "that was…" how could Severus explain, HE had done that, HE had made Sirius come into HIS hands.  
  
Sirius shook and moaned, arms around Severus tightly. "Ohgodsohgods ... Severus-" he whispered, their foreheads together as Sirius gasped for breath.  
  
Closing his eyes lightly as they breathed against one another, Severus sighed, "I used to think about that … since our third year, making you cum into my hands."  
  
Of course Sirius had hand jobs before, they used to be as casual as kissing someone for the young man but this was different. He felt like Severus had drawn something out of him, and ... it was beautiful. "I didn't know ... "  
  
"Of course you didn't know. That was not exactly something I was about to tell you, then." It was now however, that Severus devoted his lips against Sirius's mouth once more, not saying much else, not wanting to sound stupid by commenting on how great Sirius was. In fact, Severus had found over the years, that not saying anything at all was often the best way about things, because at least silence wasn't the wrong answer.  
  
Sirius moaned into Severus's mouth, arms going around him, fingers curling in his heavy, lank hair, "I didn't know you wanted me ..."  
  
Severus looked terribly embarrassed, "It wasn't all that romantic, it was more- I thought that maybe if I had the chance, to show you what I could do, make you cum … that maybe you'd see me more then target practice … it's stupid, I know … I was a child."  
  
Sirius half laughed and kissed him again, "Sev ... fuck, I used to watch you all the time, I'd take a girl and touch her while I watched you-" he kissed Severus again, messily, "you were always more than that ..."  
  
Severus was encouraged, kissing Sirius sweetly, still gently stroking him while the cum on his fingers began to dry.  
  
He gasped, " _Still_  more than that ..."  
  
Nuzzling the sides of their faces together, Severus closed his eyes, "Thank you."   
  
Sirius leaned close, kissing Severus slowly, letting him absorb all of his senses. His mouth slowed, hot and languid, letting their tongues twist and brush as their lips locked. "You're not just ... " he kissed him again, unable to find the words for once.  
  
Severus smoothed his hands over the tops of Sirius's thighs, just holding him, not wanting him to go somewhere else. The new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor leaned in against the table, against Sirius, "I like being close to you" he said quietly. After all this time, they had become close friends, hadn't they? Close … more then friends, close bodies, close experiences.  
  
Sirius's hands cupped Severus's face and their faces stayed together, sharing the same breath, black hair against black hair. "I've never ... been close with anyone before."  
  
Over analytic Severus did not ask, but he was clearly uncertain. Not Lupin? Not Potter? Not … anyone? And if not anyone, then not me?   
  
Sirius kissed him and whispered, "before you."  
  
"Do you like it?"  
  
Sirius took a deep breath, "Yeah ..." he closed his eyes, "it's so different, I can't explain why ..."  
  
Resting his head on Sirius's shoulder, Severus just held the naked man, head turned out as he admitted suddenly, "I didn't get you anything for Christmas … just, gum, instead of smoking."  
  
Sirius breathed for a moment and then started laughing, kissing the back of his neck, "I quit smoking a long time ago ... But thank you ..."  
  
"Oh ..." Severus bit at his lip, "oh, it was stupid anyway ... I ... I don't do Christmas, I ... I never know what to get people ... what do you want? Then you can pretend it was a surprise."  
  
Sirius turned Severus's head to face his own, "I love gum." He smiled warmly, his hair messed up, clothes strewn all over.

 

*                    *                    *

 

In the staff room there was a small Christmas tree that people could leave gifts under for their fellow professors. There were three very small, individually wrapped packages for Professor Black, the only indication of who they were from were the initials SS in the corner of the silver wrapping papers.  
  
Sirius walked in to get his coffee, bleary-eyed and he stopped, tilting his head at the new presents under the tree. He set the coffee maker going and walked over, smiling at them and picking them up, raising his eyebrows at the initials. He opened the first one carefully.  
  
Inside was of course gum, as promised. But not just any gum. Fruit Stripe, imported all the way from Mexico; each piece of gum wrapped individually with a press on tattoo image.  
  
Sirius GRINNED and laughed, "Holy shit! TATTOOS!!!" He stuffed one piece in his mouth and went to the sink to put the tattoo on his arm. "Mmm ..." it was actually amazing gum. He didn't know amazing gum existed. Sirius peeled the little paper off of his arm, looking at the swirling black tattoo underneath. It looked like a phoenix with a full, gracefully curling tail. "Hmm." he hummed through his gum at it, admiring the design. Sirius picked up the second package and unwrapped it.  
  
More gum. 'Tropical flavors'  
  
Sirius giggled and opened the third one.  
  
More gum.

But there was an image cut out of some year book, tightly wrapped around the gift, held on with a ribbon. It was an image of Sirius getting the Quidditch VIP trophy, and yet there in the back of the image was a strange looking boy, looking at Sirius, and not the prize, nor the camera. The smile was out of place on the Slytherin, he looked pleased, even happy for the Gryffindor.  
  
Sirius's eyes softened and his lips dropped open as he looked at the picture. The pureblood sat down, still gazing at the picture, at the boy he didn't notice was watching him all along. Very carefully, Sirius pocketed it in his jeans and ran down the hall, back to his and Remus's quarters. "Hey, have you seen my old junk? Somewhere in a box? " He opened the closet and started digging through the boxes.  
  
Remus was only half awake at this hour. "Hmm …?" he yawned, "trunk … under the bed?"  
  
Sirius hauled the trunk out and rummaged through it, pulling out a diary and putting the picture in the trunk before he shut it again and shoved it under the bed. He stood, "Back soon ..." and strode out, running down to the staff room as he flipped through the diary quickly.

Meanwhile, Severus entered into the staff room with another gift, obviously a wine bottle (a gift from his vampire friends, which he was re-gifting to Dumbledore, who might enjoy it). For the holiday break, Severus did not wear his normal professors robes, nor standard wizarding fashions. He went muggle. Heavy jeans, boots, one long sleeved shirt, then two more under it for good measure, and a jacket.   
  
Pressing one hand into his pocket, Severus opened the door to leave the staff room.  
  
Sirius COLLIDED with him, "Whatthe-" he fell back, flat on his ass, one page torn out of the book in his hand.  
  
"Merlin's sake!" Severus gasped, clutching at the door knob, until he swallowed, forcing himself to breathe, "Oh! Oh … Sirius, you alright?" Severus offered a hand to help him up, "Sorry, didn't expect anyone else to be up this early."  
  
"No I'm fine, I was just trying to- but you're here so ..." Sirius looked up, "Hi ..." he smiled.  
  
"Yes, I'm here … I said I was going to be." Severus said quietly, still offering his hand "Happy Christmas" he resolved.  
  
He smiled widely and took Severus's hand, pulling himself up. "Wow ... you're all dressed ... down."  
  
Severus shrugged a little, "It is my holiday, after all."  
  
"You look ... good ..." Sirius was a little winded after running up two flights of stairs and down the hallway. "I've never seen you in muggle clothes."  
  
"Thanks." Severus smiled a little, knowingly. He looked _normal_ in muggle clothes because he was familiar with wearing them. Whereas other wizards would often make poor fashion choices, as they attempted to emulate a culture they were not familiar with.  
  
Sirius looked back up at Snape's face, "Thanks for the gum, and the tattoos ..."  
  
"Oh ..." Severus smiled more visibly, "You opened it already?" For a moment he forgot about what else he had strapped to the gum package, so was not self-conscious of how well Sirius received his gift. "It's fun, right?"  
  
"I love them!" He grinned widely and caught himself staring again. "Good gum, actually, I didn't think they made gum like that."  
  
Severus just nodded, "So … I'm sure you were off- I'll let you go. At any rate, see you at the staff dinner tonight?"  
  
"Sure ..." he swallowed and handed the book over. "Here. I didn't have time to wrap it but ... some light reading."  
  
Severus looked at Sirius a moment, "Homework on the holidays …?" before taking up the journal, thumbing the worn edge, "this is, yours?" his forced voice betrayed his shock.  
  
Sirius swallowed and rubbed the back of his neck self-consciously. "Yeah, used to be. It's ... old."  
  
Severus pulled the book back, away from it's owner and closer to his own chest, "Thank you Sirius."  
  
He looked at the book against Severus's chest and put a hand on his own chest, in the same spot, without thinking about it. "Yeah ... well," he swallowed, "Merry Christmas."  
  
Severus smiled fondly, walking passed Sirius, his eyes fell to the book in his hand as he mindlessly began to walk.  
  
Sirius shut his eyes and sat on the sofa in the staff room, forcing himself to stay there until he couldn't tell where Severus went.   
  
Out into the snow, Severus allowed his feet to take him to the green house where he let himself in, and sat in a warm corner he used to haunt in his youth, when he needed time to himself. Severus regarded the book for a moment, taking his time, before opening it up. There were three initials in silver ink, the diary had been custom made. S.M.B. After the first initialed page were pages and pages of writing in a messy, elegant hand, Sirius's handwriting. 

 

> _September 1, 77  
>   
>  The train ride was a pain in the arse, literally. I think they must have tried to rust the wheels shut or something because the damn thing was lurching from side to side, everyone got trunks to the head except Snape of course, he just sat there as calm as a monk, reading and refusing to acknowledge the rest of the bloody world. _

 

"Oh …" Severus almost squeaked to see that he was mentioned, after all, he didn't know what to expect. This was Sirius Black's private journal, surely he had better things to write about ...

 

> _He looks taller now, like some sort of strange, black tree. How can he make school robes look like something for a funeral? I sort of hate it. I wish I hated it all the way. The fucking dreams haven't stopped, I hoped they would let up now that I'm back at school but no dice. I'm actually MAD that he's taller. I was hoping somehow he'd get short and fat like Peter over the summer, maybe then all this would go away because I'm sure as HELL not dreaming about Pete._   
>    
>  _September 3, 77  
>   
>  Shit. SHIT shit shit. The dreams are ... better and worse; this time I was in the greenhouse and it was snowing outside and then he came in. We fought, threw things, called each other names, the usual, and then he pinned me and his face got too close and ... and then we kissed and it was ... fuck, it was good. He started undressing me and his hands were everywhere and I couldn't fight back but he ...   
>   
>  Maybe if I write these down they'll stop.   
>   
>  He ..._

 

Severus's mouth was in the everlasting shape of a small oval, lips parted, "oh" he gasped, "oh" his eyes widened, "oh" he licked his dry lips, reading the very intimate details of what Sirius had dreamed about.

 

> _September 7, 77  
>   
>  This time I was on the field in the rain. We fought, argued and then he dropped to his knees and ripped my trousers open and started to suck me right there. His mouth was hot, unbelievable, and tight, and he kept pulling me in, hands on my hips, his teeth bruised my hips and I swear he never ended and then I came and woke up ... soaked._

 

Severus had to stop after a moment, fingering his place and closing the journal as he tilted his head back. "Fuck" he closed his eyes, "Sirius" he shook his head, "Why … what did I do? Why was I in your head? Why couldn't you get me out? Why … why did things have to happen like they did." Severus sighed, taking another breath when his questions were met by the silence of the green house and the snow falling outside. He opened the journal again, and read.

 

> _James was up, he just stared at me as I caught my breath. Neither of us said anything, he closed his eyes and laid down again and I got up. I didn't have anything to do, I just ... got dressed and left. Found a pack of muggle cigarettes by the tower, tried one. Something to do with my hands, at least. God, I can't lie to James. I hope to hell he never asks.  
>   
>  Sept 23, 77  
>   
>  It's getting worse. I saw him today, at the library. I stood there, just on the other side of his stupid desk, looking at him for a full fucking minute and he didn't even LOOK at me. I called him Snivellus and he didn't even look up. What, I'm not even GOOD ENOUGH for him to LOOK AT!? I want to smash his stupid face in, everyone thinks I can get anyone but the one moron I'm actually ... the person I have dreams about and fuck, these nights I'm lucky if I don't come twice a night in my sheets, and he won't. look. at. me.  
>   
>  What an ass. What a stuck up ASS. I hate him. I hate him and his stupid long fingers and how he shoved himself into my head and ... WHY DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN TO ME!? I keep watching him in potions, the back of his neck and I just sit there, looking and HATING him for doing this to me ... and then my hand goes under the desk and I brush myself by mistake and fuck, I'm hard.   
>   
>  The one ... person I've ever been nervous around like this and he hates me._

 

 _Never hated you, never._  Severus could see himself there, he could see how Sirius thought he was ignoring him, and in a way he was, because of fear, because he was better with books then he was with people. Severus's heart sank, seeing how deeply they had misunderstood one another, and yet also how much they had still wanted to be near each other.

 

> _October 1, 77  
>   
>  James knows. He ... well, he thinks he does, but he could know. I woke up in the middle of the night, this time he was fucking me against a doorway and I was telling him I loved him and I must have been saying it out loud because next thing I know there's a mouth over mine and James is saying he knows and ... Holy shit. How did that happen? James was on top of me and kissing me and saying he ... loves me too and that he's known for a while and he ... James loves me.  
>   
>  He thinks it's him, he thinks I've been dreaming about him.   
>   
>  I couldn't say it wasn't him, I couldn't just tell him. Why? The Slytherin poster boy won't even look at me anymore. James said he loved me, he started kissing me and I ... I started to kiss him back and then James pulled the covers back and his hand went between my thighs.  
>   
>  We fucked. I don't even look different now. I always thought I should look different after the first time.   
>   
>  It was okay, but then Snape ... looked at me today.  
>   
>  So I hexed him to the bottom of the stairs._

  
  
After reading this, Severus had his fist against his temple, face tight, red, angry, frustrated. While his dark eyes retained the infinite, lost, sadness. He remembered that day, and so many others like it.

 

> _October 2, 77  
>   
>  James Potter loves me. He tells me so in dark corners and we kiss until our lips almost bleed. It's ... wonderful, and I'm getting used to it now. I can't believe it's only been one day it feels like longer. I'm happy. I'm really happy with him. This is what I really wanted all the time. It's great.   
>   
>  Maybe I'm just not used to great.   
>   
>  I just tell him I love him back because I do. He's James and we've always loved each other in a way. It's not like dizzy, crazy, stupid love - even though he says it's like that. He says I make his stomach flip over and I told him just not to get sick on me or anything. I didn't know people could kiss SO much.  
>   
>  But I am happy. I don't think I'll even have those dreams anymore. _

  
  
"Sirius!" Severus yelled at the book, slamming it down on the floor, followed by his fist on top of it, "WHY?! Why did you give me this book!? What … what is there to gain from all of this … please, it's not my fault." Severus tried to convince himself, eyes clamming shut, "not my fault." It was difficult to think clearly. But no, even though Severus had been the subject of Sirius's dreams, even though Severus had been the man Sirius thought about when he fucked girls, the end result, the violence, it wasn't his fault.  
  
Severus had to gather himself up, it was not a fast process, it took time, because even when he would start to calm his breathing, he would get mad and slam his fist down again, starting all over. Until at last Severus took up the book stubbornly and just opened it, not caring where he left off.

 

> _November 8, 78  
>   
>  The shoulder's better today, I can actually write now. Malfoy's going to have a limp, a bad one if he can keep the leg. It's like Christmas to think he's in Mungo's right now with his crotch and thigh packed with spellogauze. I bet he'll want a prosthetic one. I hope his voice goes high like a girl's to match his Merlin-awful hair, who the hell told him he looked GOOD like that? What an asshole.   
>   
>  Anyhow. He won't bother Severus again. I made that clear and I'm running out of things to rip off of him.   
>   
>  I wonder if Severus knows what happened yet, or how close he actually was to being branded. Over my dead, rotting corpse. Ah well, I tried to quit smoking again, ran out of gum so ... there goes that idea. Besides, my shoulder can't be deprived of nicotine while it's trying to sew itself back together.  
>   
>  I look like hamburger.   
>   
>  It was worth it._

 

Severus tore off a nearby mint leaf and put it in his mouth like popcorn, chewing on it, needing something to do other then grind his teeth, since anger always yielded to frustration.

 

> _November 10, 78  
>   
>  Thank god no one knows about this book, I'm secretly the girliest girl in girl town, aren't I? In love with someone who'll never love me back ... thanks to me. I know, I know. I'm trying to make up for it anyway. I got out for a bit today, got some groceries and actually saw Snape across the street. I didn't say anything, I just watched him and he looked ... free. He looked free. Of me, of them. That's all I want for him._

 

 _I am_. Though the obstacles in Severus's mind often made it seem otherwise, Severus _was_ free, he knew it, he could feel it, see it.

 

> _November 20, 78  
>   
>  Order meeting today. Remus chatted with me for a bit. Nice of him, we haven't really talked since ... well, since THEN. He's getting braver, he'd never do something James wouldn't like before and we chatted for about an hour today. He needs a flatmate and I'm getting pathetic so we'll probably find a flat together or something.   
>   
>  Snape was there. He looked good. I guess I should be happy he's there, in the Order and we're on the same side. I knew he wouldn't sit it out, but fuck ... all I felt was scared when I saw him there. I liked it better when I could throw myself into this and not feel like I had to worry too much about anyone. He's smarter than anyone else there, of course, he can handle himself but I don't want him involved. Why can't he just go sit in an ivory tower with books somewhere? Just until this fucking mess is done with? Every time I think about it, my chest feels like a hippogriff is sitting on it. He's so bloody hard to protect._

 

"It's not your job." Severus however smiled a little, fondly. Sometimes he was not quite sure if Sirius made it his job, or if he did it because it was what he wanted _for_ him, rather then feeling he owed it _to_ him.

The next page had a drawing of Snape. A nice one, not glossing over his flaws, but not exaggerating them either. Though Severus could appreciate art, he did not want to look at himself and turned the page.

 

> _November 28, 78  
>   
>  Remus moved in, it's nice to have someone else around, even if it's just a werewolf and his books. If he were quieter he'd go into a coma standing up. _   
>    
>  _Snape owled me last night. All it said was come over and ... fuck me, I might as well be under imperio. I was there in ten minutes. He didn't seem to care that I know where he lives. He looked ... rattled. He hides it, but he looked rattled. I almost asked, but he just shut the door and walked over and mumbled something. I said, oh SO suavely, "What's that again?" and then he cleared his throat and told me to stand still and not to ask questions. Then he ... hugged me._

 

Inspired by the same need, Severus conjured up a heavy wool blanket, draped it over his legs, hooking one arm under it as he held it against his chest in a hug.

 

> _He hugged me close and for a second I couldn't move but then I hugged him back. My jacket had rain on it, he didn't care. I don't know how long we stood like that. Maybe an hour. I honestly think he fell asleep standing up like that. I rubbed his back and I just wanted to carry him to his room but I didn't want him to wake up and panic so I said his name and he seemed to wake up. He pulled back and turned and looked at me so that I followed him and my heart was ... I was honestly dizzy because the blood was running through me so fast and I must have looked like some sort of idiot but I took my jacket off and followed him. We were in his room and he told me to lay down. My legs almost gave out._

 

Severus laid down on the floor, his back against the wall where it was supported, pulling the book up, close to his face, as he curled against himself, seeing that night from Sirius's perspective.

 

> _I laid down and he came in, unbuttoned his coat, and took it off. I was ... hard wouldn't cover it, I was ... a pulse. My entire body was a pulse and ... then he took his shoes off, his socks, his trousers until he was just in his boxers. He crawled in with me and I held my breath, I was scared to move, fuck, I didn't want to scare him off. Then he spoke and his voice went right through me like a cello in an orchestra, just right into my chest and down my body, he asked me just to stay until he was asleep and he crawled into my arms and closed his eyes.  
>   
>  There I am, hard as a rock, he's in my ARMS and he's ... going to sleep.  
>   
>  It was the best night I've ever had._

  
  
"Me too." Severus said fondly, sadly.

 

> _I stayed until I was sure he was asleep, but I didn't leave. I just ... let him sleep on my chest until the sun came up. Went home, smoked a pack on the fire escape and cried my eyes out. I think Remus thought ... I don't know what he thought.  
>   
>  It was still the best night._

  
  
_The best night._  Severus wanted to leave it at that. At least for now. He closed the journal, bringing it back against his chest, hugging it to him with a heavy sigh. Severus had been in the greenhouse for hours, most of the day, reading. He was not yet ready to leave. Pulling the blanket up high, against the back of his neck, Severus laid down quietly, thinking over everything he had read and experienced through Sirius. Eyes closing, thoughts of _'best night ever'_ still lingering in his mind.

 

*                    *                    *

 

When Severus woke up, it was dark outside, and he guessed that he had missed dinner, therefore was in no hurry to get up.  
  
Severus stretched, popping his back in a domino effect all the way down his spine. Getting up he pulled the blanket over his shoulders, Sirius's journal still pressed against his chest as he walked back up towards the castle, following his own foot prints, the only ones in the snow, aside from what looked like rabbit tracks. Once up to the main doors however, Severus heard talking and laughter coming from the great hall. Dropping the blanket from his shoulders, as soon as it hit the floor, it disappeared from existence, Severus opened the door to see what was going on.  
  
Sirius was sitting beside Harry at the table, they were playing with some sort of inflated ball that soared up into the magical ceiling slowly, creating a sort of slow motion volleyball game at the table. "GET IT!" he yelped at Harry as the young man RACED from the table to hit it back to the guests.  
  
 _Ah. Not so late after all._  Severus pushed his fingers through his hair, brushing it off his face, fingering around the hallow of his eyes to make sure they were dry before he walked in. He wanted to act like nothing had changed. But things had changed. Severus was no longer ignorant as to Sirius's feelings, or at least, what  _used_  to be his feeling when they were younger. Severus answered with a polite volley of, "Yes, thank you" or "you as well" and "happy Christmas" to those of his colleagues he passed.  
  
Sirius's eyes were attached to Snape as he walked in, still in his muggle clothes. He thought maybe he'd seen a flicker of ... of something. "Yeah, Christmas ..." he smiled a bit and sat back in his chair, taking a long sip of wine, making sure he didn't outright stare.  _He left those on just to torture me. Damn him.  
_  
"Sorry I'm late …" Severus said pleasantly to the table at large, "fell asleep reading" he poured himself a cup of hot cider.  
  
Sirius COUGHED on his wine.  
  
Dumbledore smiled pleasantly, "Did you receive a book?"  
  
"Mmm." Severus knew he couldn't keep it at that, though stalled as he served himself peas from a passing bowl, "A memoir of sorts."   
  
Sirius took another long sip of wine and asked nonchalantly, "Any good?"  
  
Severus made little pretense now, putting down the fork he had taken up, leaning on an elbow as he looked down the table at Sirius. "Very. Full of emotion, intrigue … made me a little sad, but I ended on a good note." Severus offered a shy smile before his lips twitched to cover it with a smirk, "However, it is missing a page … don't know what I'm going to do about that" he said casually, sitting back in his chair.  
  
Sirius just smiled with a shrug, "Hmm."  
  
"What's this?" Remus asked, leaning into Sirius, "What are you talking about? A book?"  
  
"Yeah, just picked it up a long time ago, thought he'd like it."  
  
Harry blinked, "Oh, it was from you?"  
  
Sirius nodded, "Yeah ... so?"  
  
Dumbledore watched them all closely, and looked pleased and intrigued at the same time, "It's so good to see everyone can put their differences in the past."  
  
Severus paused, eyebrows coming together with a little frown, then smiling to himself, for once it seemed, Dumbledore didn't know EVERYTHING. "Oh, I don't know … I think differences are part of the attraction, people become mysteries to solve and understand, or at least respect."  
  
Sirius drained his cup and accioed the bottle, refilling it. "If anyone breaks out into that annoying Walt Disney song, I'm putting my butter knife through their eye." His skin flushed a little and he laughed, breaking a fresh roll in half.  
  
Severus drank his cider, "Are you really a cynic, or are you just pretending to be?"  
  
 _Respect ..._ Sirius looked at him with a smirk. "Here I thought you were the legillimens ..."  
  
"It's rude without permission."  
  
Sirius shrugged, smirk growing, "So is asking how cynical someone is, didn't stop you."  
  
Ah, but the statement was telling, Severus was not a die hard cynic, he had hope, even if he did make fun of others for having it.  
  
Remus looked thoroughly confused, people seemed to be talking in layers he did not understand.  
  
"Squash?" Severus passed the bowl to professor Sprout who took it up happily.  
  
Sirius started giggling. He swallowed, shaking his head. It was a disaster, he didn't know what was funny but suddenly EVERYTHING was.  
  
Severus sobered. "… Sirius, are you alright?" he said with genuine concern.  
  
The use of Sirius's first name caught Remus's attention away from Harry.  
  
Sirius just LAUGHED and nodded, red-faced at the table as he snickered, "Fine. Just ... have the giggles ..."  
  
Remus began to rub Sirius's back, "Come on, breathe, it will wear off ..."  
  
Sirius nodded, taking deep breaths. "Okay, I'm fine, I'm good ... all done."  
  
So was Severus, he returned to eating quietly, not speaking up unless conversation was directed to him. In a way, reading the journal did not change anything in the end. Sirius was still with Remus, and he would not attempt to break that. But at least he knew about the underlying feeling Sirius had for him, and that had to be enough, that had to sustain him better then the best meal he had ever had

 

*                    *                    *

 

After the feast and the Christmas crackers and dessert, Sirius opened the door to their quarters and held it open for Remus, with a yawn.   
  
Remus traced his hand against Sirius's back as he entered into their shared chambers. "Harry seems pleased … Merlin, our first Christmas together since he was an infant."  
  
"Oh he got spoiled this time, thanks to his godfather of course." Sirius toed off his boots, kicking them into the closet as he cracked his neck, "He's never getting off that broom. Ever. Permanent sticking charm to his ass, I just predicted that."

"He wears me out though." Remus sat on the couch, kicking off his shoes, toeing off his socks, "I know I'm not used to all of … well, everything, but doesn't he wear you out too?"  
  
Sirius shrugged, "Nah, I like having someone to wreak havoc on the field with." He stretched his body as he walked, arms bending back to crack his sternum with a little groan. He was wearing the red sweater Harry bought him, Sirius suspected with some help from Hermione.   
  
"So … I think I must have missed the first part of the conversation, what book did you get Severus?"  
  
"Just some boring biography thing."  
  
"What did Harry get you?"  
  
"This mini spa kit, bath salts, shampoos, oils, candles …" Remus laughed a little, "I think … what's the girl's name, Hermione? I think it must have been her idea. So … they together or what?"  
  
Sirius laughed, "Nah, she's going to end up with Ron. Seriously? Harry got you a SPA KIT?" Sirius snickered, laying down on the couch, feet up on the back of it.  
  
"He's under the impression that I need to relax."  
  
Sirius raised an eyebrow, "No. Where could that have come from?" If Sirius was a super hero, he'd be Sarcasmo.  
  
"What? I think I am rather relaxed, considering ... well, everything."  
  
"Relaxed like a bomb technician," Sirius yawned, "Honestly, we should thank Hermione. I love this sweater." He smoothed his hand down the front of it and stretched.  
  
Remus reached over and began to finger Sirius's sweater, feeling the fabric, "Mmm, soft. Very nice."  
  
He smiled a bit, "Tired?"  
  
"Only a little." Remus rested his hand on Sirius's shoulder. "Every day seems so … full."  
  
Sirius sat up and stood, "It'll get better, you'll get your energy back, it just takes time."  
  
"Yeah …" Remus sighed, bringing his elbow back against the top of the couch, he was very tired of time, wasted time, the effects of time … lost time.  
  
Sirius sighed and held his hands out, "Come on, up-"  
  
Remus smiled a little and took up Sirius by the hands, standing.  
  
He grinned, "I have another present for you actually."  
  
"Really?"  
  
Sirius had to look up at Remus, he was the only person besides Hagrid that Sirius actually had to crane his neck up to look at. "Yeah, I'd say something about saving it for last but I actually hid it a week ago and then couldn't find it this morning." Sirius grinned and took Remus by his hand, leading him to the bedroom.  
  
"You couldn't find it …?" Remus prompted curiously, "what is it?"  
  
"It's nothing big ..." Sirius led Remus into the bedroom and sat him down while he fished through the top drawer of his dresser.  
  
Remus pulled one leg up onto the bed, tucking his bare foot against the inside of his thigh, letting the other leg dangle.   
  
Sirius pulled a triangular box out of the dresser, wrapped in deep purple and gold. He sat on the bed with Remus and handed it to him.  
  
"Sirius …?" Remus looked to him for an explanation, "what is this?" The werewolf's fingers picked at the tape and began to open his gift, peeling away the paper until he had the box in the palm of his hand.  
  
There was a torn page of a diary on top. Two different sets of handwriting on it.

> [Sirius]  _Moony, what are you spaced out about?  
>   
> _ [Remus]  _Nothing, just thinking about ... nothing._

"Ha!" Remus smiled, taking a moment to recognize the handwriting.

> [Sirius] _Come on, you look like you're a billion miles away. You're not going to start floating out the window, are you? Because I want to get money on that first.  
>   
> _ [Remus]  _It's stupid. You don't want to know. Take notes, Sirius.  
>   
> _ [Sirius] _Damn it Remus! NOW I want to know! Vile tempter!!! TELL me or I'm going to start singing a song about your love for tube socks at the top of my lungs and Slughorn will put us both in Mungo's mental ward!  
> _  
>  [Remus] _... fine, it's so dumb. ... Chocolate.  
>   
> _ [Sirius]  _CHOCOLATE!? You have THAT expression on your face for CHOCOLATE!?  
> _  
>  [Remus]  _What expression is that?  
>   
> _ [Sirius]  _Well, you look like you're about to show your desk a really good time any moment now.  
>   
> _ [Remus] _I'm not even speaking to you anymore if you're looking THERE. TAKE. NOTES. OR. FAIL!  
>   
> _ [Sirius]  _It's a LITTLE hard to miss. If you had an Indian name it would be Wolf-with-big-totem!  
>   
> _ [Remus]  _takenotessiriusblack.  
>   
> _ [Sirius]  _You could put an EYE out! I want to decorate it for Christmas!  
>   
> _ [Remus] _I hate you. I hate you and all your puppy dander. Take notes.  
>   
> _ [Sirius] _You're SO RED. RED LIKE A TOMATO! So, chocolates makes you pitch a tent?  
>   
> _ [James] _Pads, what did you do to Remus? He's hiding under the desk!!!  
>   
> _ [Sirius]  _Nothing. What a weirdo. OWW BITING MY LEG OWW!!!  
>   
> _ [Remus] _You deserved that. Mutt.  
>   
> _ [Sirius] _You're the weirdest werewolf I've ever met._

Sirius was giggling maniacally behind Remus on the bed.  
  
"Wow … wow I … it's all coming back to me now … Merlin, that was embarrassing. I can't believe you saved it."  
  
"That's exactly why I saved it! You underestimate me still."  
  
Remus laughed, shaking his head, "I don't underestimate you."  
  
He hugged Remus from behind. The triangular box smelled like the most delicious chocolate. "Good. You've learned your lesson then."  
  
Remus inhaled deeply, "Mmm-" putting his nose right up against the box as he opened it.  
  
"From Canada, actually."  
  
"Mmm-" Remus grinned, "it's been ages" his skin even began to tingle.  
  
Sirius reached around him and opened the lid, the chocolates were all glossy, perfectly etched and almost jewel-like in the gold wrapper. "Go on then ..."  
  
Remus took one out, putting it in his mouth and groaned, mumbling, "Ohmygod, best-chocolate-ever."  
  
Sirius laughed, breaking into a huge smile. "Well it goes to support my theory that the best stuff comes from Canada." He smooched Remus's cheek as he ate with a big smile.  
  
Remus leaned back into Sirius's arms, "Mmm, thank you" he sighed, a strange smile crossed his face; sure the werewolf was happy to be free, to have his named cleared, but he got REALLY happy over chocolate.  
  
Sirius gazed at him and just grinned, he was happiest here when Remus was smiling. He felt like he'd done something right.  
  
"God, I think I'm going into sugar shock." Remus groaned, laying back onto the bed, still smiling.  
  
Sirius laid beside him, holding the box, "Well, I did get ... ten boxes ..."  
  
"Really?" Remus smiled.  
  
"They're all in the closet under my pile of boots. I knew you'd never go through those."  
  
"Mmm" Remus looked at Sirius fondly, "now I know … thank you Sirius … thank you, for everything."  
  
"I told you, don't thank me, you'd do the same for me if the roles were reversed."  
  
Remus smiled, "I know … I just, you still make me happy."  
  
A little smile lit Sirius's lips and he watched Remus for a moment longer, "Then I'm doing something right."  
  
"Of course … you've done everything right. You have a great job, your humor, your health, and … your friends. And it makes me happy to see it, to be with you and see it."  
  
Sirius rolled onto his back, looking at the ceiling as though they were both looking up at stars. "Just part of growing up I guess, you do the best you can, make choices ..." The pureblood toed his socks off, letting them fall limply on the floor and then tucked his feet under the end of the blankets.  
  
Remus was in bliss, laying ontop of the bed, head back, lost in a huge fluffy pillow.  
  
"Harry was happy, he loved the broom."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
Sirius handed Remus another chocolate, putting it on his chest with a grin. "I bet he's trying to ride it around his dorm room."  
  
Remus laughed a little, taking up the chocolate, "This is going to put me into a coma, you know." Remus put the piece of chocolate into his mouth with another slow, sensual groan.   
  
Sirius smiled, "Wow, you want some time alone with these?"  
  
"Oh hush ..." Remus turned, rolling so that he curled against Sirius.  
  
Sirius laughed and hugged him for a moment. "Actually I need a shower, I don't know how you can stand curling up with me right now."  
  
"Because I like being with you." Remus hugged Sirius with a sigh.  
  
Sirius closed his eyes for a moment and turned, hugging Remus back. "Mmm ... you on the other hand smell like chocolate and sweaters."  
  
"Yes well- it's better then the alternative." It was really the closest thing Remus had gotten to talk about Azkaban, so instead he shifted the conversation, "Fine, take your silly shower."  
  
"Well, I haven't decided yet, this is a huge decision for me. I could take a shower ... or a bath." Sirius tucked his head against Remus's neck, eyes closed, just curled around him like a large dog.  
  
Remus smiled, hugging Sirius to him, as he might have when they were children, when Remus would wake up human, and Sirius was still the black dog he could lay against to stay warm.

 _I really do love him. I could love him, I could ... be in love with him._  But under the words were a ringing hollowness in his chest. He did love Remus. He loved making Remus happy, he loved the way Remus looked at him, he loved laughing with him and snuggling against him and just falling asleep hugging. He even loved Remus when he was in pain, sad, curled up in a ball in the corner of the couch. But he didn't ... he didn't want to kiss Remus until they were exhausted, he didn't want to strip him down and touch every part of his skin, he didn't want to make Remus say his name as Sirius brought him to orgasm anywhere, anytime, just to DO it.  
  
Remus mumbled a little something completely unintelligible, having fallen asleep, into his chocolate coma, as he had predicted.   
  
Sirius smiled and kissed his forehead before he slipped out of bed.

 

*                    *                    *

 

Severus had been called away on urgent business that took president over his work as the DAtDA professor. The ambassador for Vampire and Wizaring relations had contacted Severus to share important whispers, as their kind were being approached by other wizards, dark wizards. This was key because Vampire society as a whole usually set itself apart by remaining neutral in most matters, unless they were to gain as a nation. However, for the ambassador to contact Severus was quite telling of the good relations and respect Severus had founded between their people. Severus was a valued correspondent, over whatever the new, dark wizards were promising. And calling on him to speak in person at least implied that they preferred to keep good relations, though clearly had a great deal to talk about if dark wizards had managed to offer them something they wanted. 

Professor Black, meanwhile, had been in a worse mood than anyone could remember since Severus left. His eyes seemed darker, he was guff, frustrated and cranky in class.   
  
The first DAtDA class without Severus was right after a foul potions lesson and Sirius opened the door to the already full classroom and walked in with his jaw set.  _Dumbledore's an idiot. How could he let him GO ALONE!?_  He had his leather jacket on, a couple days of stubble over his jaw, and he smelled like smoke as he passed the desks, hexing the window covers shut. He got to the front, sighed and shrugged his shoulders, muttering, "Yeah. It's me. Page 394."  
  
Neville, at the front of the class jumped a little at Sirius's abruptness, he had thought Snape was bad.   
  
"Professor?" Hermione questioned suddenly, "Where's professor Snape?"   
  
Sirius slouched back in the chair, feet on the desk. His boots were muddy. "Well-" Sirius looked around, "through powers of deductive reasoning ... I guess he's not here is he?" He pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his jacket and put one in his mouth, "He's ... out for a bit."  
  
Hermione was taken aback, "You can't smoke here, this is the classroom!" she said without thinking who she was talking to.  
  
Sirius glared, "Look. You guys throw yourselves off of brooms on every day ending in Y. If you don't do that, you make illegal potions and if I let you, most of you would eat spellotape for three galleons. I think you can stand a little smoke." He paused, "Besides, I haven't even lit the damn thing."  
  
Draco Malfoy however turned to the page the professor had instructed, "Nocturnal beasts?" he drawled "Trying to tell us something professor?"  
  
The class was silent, even Herminoe waited for an answer to confirm what everyone believed to be true about professor Snape.  
  
Sirius lit his cigarette, inhaled and exhaled slowly, his eyes narrowing at the arrogant blonde boy. He stood, all shoulders and smoke and leather something between Sid Vicious and Clint Eastwood. "Listen you little snot, I'm not in the mood for your bitchy prince routine today, _not at all_. Not in the least. Not even a. little. bit." He was glaring daggers, "My job is to show up here, and YOUR job is to sit your ass down, shut up and read. Got it, princess?"  
  
"My father will be hearing about this." Draco sneered.  
  
Sirius crossed the room in three strides and SLAMMED his hand down on Malfoy's desk, snarling, "Ask your dear old Daddy where he got that limp, junior ..." he smirked. "Pick up your books and get the hell out."  
  
Draco's eyes widened a bit and he took up his things, his henchmen doing the same, leaving the classroom. A few others in the back of the class seemed to take it as a cue to skip too and also left.  
  
Sirius strode back to his desk and sat in the chair again, rubbing his forehead. He sighed and ground his cigarette out in a cauldron. "Well? What are you guys looking at? 394. It's a number. It comes after 393 and ... before ... 395. Give it a read and then write an essay on recognizing and defending against a Vampire, one scroll. Due Monday."  
  
Neville didn't argue, he had started to read the second Malfoy left, hiding behind his book, hoping that he did not warrant Professor Blacks' anger by somehow reading wrong.  
  
Sirius sighed and opened the desk drawer, looking through it.  _What if he doesn't come back? What if he never comes back?_

Severus's desk drawer had the most random things. A muggle mechanical pencil, confiscated dung bombs (and worse, far, far worse), some hard candy, a calendar of Vampire holidays, and a pressed moonflower in an otherwise blank-paged notebook.  
  
Sirius looked at the flower,  _who gave this to him_. His imagination went faster than his good sense, unfortunately and he sighed, dropping it back in the drawer. _Some Vampire? He's got some gorgeous Vampire in love with him. That's who gave the flower to him and that's who he's staying with. Probably having hot vampire sex, getting his brains fucked out ..._  Sirius SLAMMED the drawer.  
  
Neville jumped in his seat, swallowing, looking behind him for Harry, Ron or Hermione to be encouraging; only to see that other members of the class had took it upon themselves to filter out.  
  
Sirius looked at him. "Neville. Ah, stop reading. Fuck it." He sighed, mad at himself, "You don't have to do the essay either, I'm all screwed up today. Sorry. Just ... go ... do whatever it is you like doing. And if you want something ... or someone... tell them before it's too late and you end up smoking five packs in one night."

Sirius sighed, "You can all stop reading and bugger off. Go. Be children." He sighed again, chin on the palm of his hand, "It won't last long."  _One day you're playing Quidditch and have an ass you could bounce a quarter off of, the next, you're almost married to a werewolf and the guy you love is having hot vampire sex._  "I wish I had a tumor."  
  
Neville blinked, then stuttered, "Yes … yes professor." He fumbled, picking up his things, thinking Sirius's statement was rather curious, and hooked arms with Hermione as they left the class together, whispering, "What do you think he's talking about?"  
  
Hermione shook her head, for once, clueless, "I have no idea ... let's just go."

 


	5. Chapter 5

It was late Friday night when Severus Snape returned to Hogwarts. After nearly a week of not eating, the DAtDA professor headed directly to the kitchens for something to fill his stomach, at the moment, he was too tired to do it himself. Generally Severus was fussy about his food, but for the moment he just sat down and allowed the house elves to serve him directly.

Soon, the smell of pecan pancakes began to fill the kitchen as Severus waited patiently, drinking down hot tea, one elbow on the table, resting his chin on the palm of his hand.  
  
Sirius was in his and Remus's quarters again, smoking out the window while Remus was in the shower. Sirius ground the butt of his cigarette out on the stone windowsill and straightened, "Hey, Moony?"  
  
"Yeah?" Remus stuck his head out from behind the shower curtain to hear better.  
  
Sirius opened the door, steam rolling out. "Hey," he said, voice dull as usual this week. "I'm hungry. Want anything from the kitchens?"  
  
"Mmm, no ... I'm fine, thanks for asking. What are you getting?"  
  
"Dunno. Just whatever. Back soon." Sirius shut the door, grabbed a ratty grey sweater and walked out, down to the kitchen.  
  
"… no, I don't want butter, just the maple syrup … no, stop that I can do it myself, your drowning the pancakes ..." Severus complained to the over-helpful house elves.   
  
Sirius almost fell down the stairs in his haste to reach the door at the bottom. He shoved it open, eyes wide, "Areyouokay!?"  
  
Severus dropped the syrup, shocked and surprised (at least giving the house elves something to do, now cleaning up his mess). "Sirius …!" he gasped softly, he hadn't wanted anyone to see him like this, pale, tired, and hungry. Though arguably, that's how Severus always appeared, but this time Severus actually _felt_ as horrible as he normally looked.  
  
Sirius crossed the distance in two steps and took Severus by the shoulders, "Areyouokay? Answer me! Are you alright? Did ... " he examined Severus's neck with shaking hands, "when did you get back?"  
  
Severus put his hands up calmly, holding Sirius's forearms, keeping the other man close as he held his gaze. "I just got back, ten minutes ago. And I'm alright, just … I didn't want anyone see me like this, I'm sure I look awful" again, something that could be said for the man all the time, "just hungry."  
  
"No, you're beautiful-"  Sirius just stared. "I love you." He couldn't believe he said it. He couldn't believe he'd blurted it out.  
  
"… what?" Severus said breathlessly as if he had been the one running, his hands falling away, every muscle in his body loosing strength.  
  
Sirius held him by his shoulders, his eyes clearing like the sky. "I just said ..." he swallowed, "I just said that I love you." He let it stand, not taking it back, not defending it. He did and he meant it.  
  
"Sirius-" Severus began to smile hopefully, a hand reaching up to touch the side of Sirius's face before he collapsed into the other man's arms from a combination of exhaustion, shock, hunger, and the most overwhelming feeling, of being loved.  
  
"Oh gods, I was so scared you'd never come back." Sirius hugged him closer and buried his nose in Severus's dirty hair. His eyes closed and his arms locked, not letting go ... possibly ever.  
  
Severus weekly twisted his fingers into the collar of Sirius's shirt to hold himself there, head laying against the potion professor's shoulder, eyes closed, "You've been smoking."  
  
"Yeah ... Couldn't sleep either ..."  
  
"Sirius …" he sighed, knowing that Sirius did not mean to, but he felt like he was being blamed. He did not mean to cause Sirius distress. "You don't need to worry about me, Sirius, would you perhaps like to know what happens when I go?"  
  
Sirius stiffened a little but swallowed, "Does it involve some guy there?"  
  
Severus frowned, not quite understanding, "It involves my correspondents, ambassadors for wizarding and vampire relations."   
  
Sirius looked at him, "No, I mean ... I know you were there before and you probably met someone, probably someone amazing and ... you have that invitation back. They don't just give that to anyone ..."  
  
"Sirius? Can we sit down … let me explain while I eat."  
  
Sirius started shaking, and he had to blink a lot suddenly. _It's true._  "Yeah-" he choked out. He let Severus go and wound his fingers in the sleeve of his beat up sweater that smelled like nicotine.  
  
"Thank you" Severus sat, "You see, eating is an all too human, mortal act- so I don't do it in front of them, which leaves me starving, but them happy."  
  
"They ..." he started as conversationally as possible, "they let guys get married, don't they? It's not such a, you know ... big deal ..." He sat down. Sirius had almost a week of stubble on his face and his clothes were wrinkled.  
  
Severus swallowed his first few pieces of pancakes happily before he realized what Sirius was asking, "Oh …" he looked to Sirius, making sure he was listening, "I think I need to clarify … Vampires to not condone interspecies relationship, if you want to talk about a society based on purebloods, you are talking about vampires. They keep all relations in-house and as incestuous as possible."  
  
Sirius's expression didn't change, he just stared blankly. "Sev ... I haven't slept in a week and I think I wrecked my liver and my lungs at the same time in an internal-organ apocalypse around two days ago, so ... keep it simple." The pureblood's hair was dirty, rumpled and messy, albeit ruggedly so.  
  
"Sirius" Severus had to laugh a little to keep from crying out his disappointment regarding Sirius's health, "they like me because I respectfully present the illusion of being one of them. I am however,  _not_  one of them. It would never cross their minds to start up any sort of relationship with me, nor would I want to. Sirius, I can only imagine what things you have been telling yourself, but they are simply not true."  
  
"What about the flower in the book in your desk!?"  
  
Severus blinked, surprised that Sirius was suddenly shouting at him and sounding so outraged. "You went through my desk?"  
  
Sirius sighed, "I ... had free time in there. I was bored and trying not to smoke."  
  
Severus bit at his lip before he began, "I've had that flower for … over fifteen years now. You gave it to me, in a matter of speaking. One day you pushed me in herbology, and I fell into a bunch of potted plants. When I got back to the dorm, and I took off my robe, the flower fell out of my hood."  
  
Sirius paused, and it felt like his chest was unclenching. "I ... the guy was me?"  
  
"It's always been you Sirius." Severus said softly, something he felt like he's been saying, one way or another, his entire life.  
  
He took a deeper breath, "Oh ..." He looked down at the table, feeling like a complete idiot.  
  
"You didn't ... throw it away, did you?"  
  
"No ... no it's still like you left it. Sorry ..." he breathed out.  
  
Severus ate a little more, "Me too" he said, before thinking, "I mean, how's Lupin?"  
  
Sirius laughed bitterly and let his face fall into his own hands. _And you have to live with it everyday._ He looked up at Severus, eyes red around the rims, "We don't even kiss."  
  
"Maybe he's not ready yet?"  
  
"It's not that," Sirius almost glared, "it's just ... everything's changed. We're not LIKE that."  
  
Severus was a little taken aback, looking down at his plate, "No need to get cross, I didn't know."  
  
"Even if he was ready, I'm not going to go after him. I don't want to anymore, I just ... we're like roommates, it would be so pointless. I can't remember the last time we even slept beside each other in the same bed. I think he's just too polite to actually tell me he doesn't want anything to do with me." He sighed, "Sorry, I didn't mean to snap. I really didn't."  
  
Still, until Remus was out of the picture, Severus felt he did not have much of a place in Sirius's life. "Sorry…" He stood, "walk me back to my room before I fall down?" he asked hopefully.  
  
Sirius nodded, "Are you really okay though?" He stood, arm out to help Severus walk, "Are you hurt?"  
  
Severus hooked his arm with Sirius, "Not hurt, it's not like that … just tired. Being on their schedule means not sleeping very much, but to be integrated in their culture means leaving my own at the door."  
  
"Ever think of quitting the Ambassadorial business?" He put an arm around Snape's waist, helping him walk as he pushed the door open, "Did you eat?"  
  
"Pancakes … didn't I?" Severus questioned, had he gone insane that fast, he had just had pancakes, didn't he?  
  
"Oh yeah with the little nuts ..." Sirius helped him up the stairs, "for a skinny guy you weigh a ton."  
  
Severus frowned, thinking Sirius was judging him, "I'm not fat." he said defensively.  
  
Sirius laughed, "You ... Severus, you are SO far from fat. I'm just saying that you have a lot of muscle, or that I'm a big sissy who can't even help you upstairs."  
  
"Oh …" Severus calmed, "I hardly think you are a sissy, Mr former VIP." Severus opened the door to his room when they reached it, a few candles lighting themselves in the corner to light the darkness, a path to his bed.  
  
Sirius smiled, "Thank you for remembering-" he kicked the door shut with his boot and helped Severus to his bed, laying him down and sitting beside him.  
  
"I have an unfortunate memory," Severus smiled, "… thank you Sirius" he said quietly, hand around Sirius's wrist.  
  
Sirius just looked down at him, "I've never been in your room here ..."  
  
"Feel free-" Severus scoffed, "just walls, ceiling and floor."  
  
Sirius laughed, nose wrinkling and looked around, "Yeah, love what you've done with the place." It looked like Severus had JUST moved in. There was nothing, if not _nothing_ on the walls, no personal effects, just a few texts spilling out of a wooden crate, and a few hardy plants on his desk. Sirius looked back down at the man in the bed. "I like it here."  
  
"Not too dull?" After all, a home was a reflection of the person, and Severus's home looked like this.  
  
Sirius was only looking down, at Severus, "It's perfect."   
  
Severus hummed a little, pleased, taking in a deep breath, "… can you stay a little?" Severus asked bravely.  
  
Sirius shut his eyes, using all of his willpower, "I want to but I really ... really ... shouldn't."  
  
Severus nodded, "I understand." He accepted, again. "I'm not much for company anyway" he tried to reason.  
  
"You're the best company ..." Sirius opened his eyes and stood, swallowing, "which is exactly why I should go."  
  
Severus was too tired to think it through properly, but he questioned, if Sirius and Remus really were just roommates, then why did Sirius hesitate to stay? So Severus had to leave it open ended, "You know where to find me if ever … you do."  
  
The truth was, Sirius was as loyal as he could be. He didn't want to cheapen Severus by making him into some sort of affair, and he didn't want to put Remus through being cheated on. Sirius took Severus by the hand in an unusual moment of culture and bowed from the hips, kissing Snape's hand, eyes up at him.  
  
"Sirius-" Severus whispered, struggling to push himself up, sitting up in bed as Sirius held his hands, his eyes became glassy black in the darkness,  _why_?  
  
He swallowed and straightened, "Goodnight," he murmured once before he left.  
  
"Goodnight" he said weakly, looking after Sirius as the man left his room, feeling empty and dull, like his room now that Sirius was gone.

 

*                    *                    *

 

Sirius walked back to his quarters and opened the door, looking hollow. "Remus?" _I can't do this anymore, to any of us._  
  
"Hmm?" Remus was in bed, reading, "Have a nice snack?" he put his book down in his lap.  
  
Sirius walked over and stood by the bed, "I didn't eat."  
  
"Oh … are you alright Sirius? You look a little … are you ok?"  
  
"I don't know." He sighed and paced, feeling sick but forcing himself to do it, forcing himself to face Remus. "We have to talk."  
  
"… what about?" Remus felt his stomach tighten, reading Sirius like he did a book, it was important, and serious, and probably not very good, "Are you ok? Is Harry ...?"  
  
"Harry's fine. No one's sick or hurt or dying or anything but ..." he took a deep breath, "I have to know, honestly, how you feel about me. And I have to tell you something I don't think you'll like."  
  
"… how I feel about you? Sirius… I … what, where is this coming from? What is it?"  
  
Sirius sat beside Remus on the bed and took his hand, "We're living like roommates."  
  
"And?"  
  
"And ... I have to know if you're happy with that. If you want to stay this way, stay roommates and just that ... I'm completely fine with it, but I think something's changed, I don't know if we can be the way we were before, Remus. I just ... I don't think so."  
  
"You don't want to be?" Remus began to pull his hand away.  
  
Sirius closed his eyes, "Remus ..."  _I can't believe I'm doing this to him. I can't believe it._  
  
"No, by all means, tell it to me straight Sirius … you let me sleep here because you feel sorry for me? But won't touch me? Because … what? I'm not attractive? Azkaban will DO that to a person …"  
  
His eyes opened, "Do you honestly think I'm that shallow!?"  
  
"Then what are you saying?"  
  
"I'm saying that I love you, Remus, and I wanted to try for us. I wanted to see if I could make you happy the way I did before but things have changed. They changed and-" he bit his lip, cursing himself. "I fell in love with someone."  
  
The werewolf pulled himself out of bed, disgusted, "Who?"  
  
Sirius looked up at him, his red rimmed eyes glossy and overflowing quietly down his face. "It doesn't matter who, Remus, does it?" He asked softly, not wanting to give the possibly jealous werewolf Severus's name. "I fell in love before you came back! But when you came back I put all that aside so that we could be together!"  
  
"Be together?" Remus laughed angrily, "You know what … at first I thought that you were just being nice, giving me time, which I appreciated, I needed. But then when I would try, and Sirius, I  _did_  try … you would always shy away … Merlin" Remus paced, "I feel like such a fool now, I thought that maybe … because I still looked like death on two legs, that you just weren't interested … oh god, now I get it … fucking brilliant, I feel like a real genius right now, you've just been preoccupied with someone else."  
  
Sirius got off the bed, "When did you ever try!? Remus, we kissed ... maybe twice and that was it! Don't get indignant with me when I call a spade a spade!"  
  
Remus fumed, "I would touch you, your arm, your shoulder, your back, just to begin, just to start with SOME contact, and you'd just walk away, walk away because it didn't MEAN anything to you."  
  
"WHAT was I supposed to do!? Hello, you've been ripped away from me for twelve years in the worst sort of hell and you fought your way out and I was just supposed to tell you that it was too late? That I was in love with someone else and you were shit out of luck!? It wouldn't have been fair to you!"  
  
"I CHOSE you, I did the RIGHT thing!"  
  
"Well it sure isn't fair to me NOW, is it?"  
  
"Do you want me to LIE!?"  
  
"You should have just said from the beginning, you'd moved on ... hell, it's what I EXPECTED ... but when you approached me, treating me like you hadn't moved on, well how, you tell me HOW I am supposed to guess that there was someone else."  
  
"I did the BEST I COULD AT THE TIME, REMUS!!!" Sirius's tears left large, coin sized circles of water on the dark floor. "And I wanted ... I wanted to make you happy, I'm sorry. I tried and I shouldn't have tried."  
  
Remus just shook his head, "Who's kidding who here … you know what, fine … I'm sorry I was insensitive to your need to play the hero, you had to rescue me, even if you were in the middle of something with someone else … I pray to Merlin they take you back after all this, I really do Sirius … just as I prayed that you'd take me back. But it's fine, apparently this is how it had to happen."  
  
Sirius took a deep breath and crossed the room, grabbing his coat and putting it on. "Sorry. I'm just ... sorry." Sirius looked at Remus again and just nodded before he left.

 

*                    *                    *

 

Severus Snape was taking the place of Professor Black for the potions. The seventh years had given the man a monstrous headache, as the senior students couldn't even cut roots to (his own, perfectionist) standard. And the third years? "… don't … that is a very flammable substance, NO, keep it AWAY from the flame … flammable means … oh for Merlin's sake …"  
  
Harry just hunkered down over his assignment as most of the others were doing. He whispered to Hermione, "I don't know what's wrong with them ..."  
  
Hermione whispered back, "You haven't heard?"  
  
Harry raised his eyebrows, "Heard what?"  
  
She looked around cautiously and whispered as she poured a beaker of red liquid into her cauldron while stirring, "Remus and Sirius aren't ... they aren't living together anymore like they were."  
  
Ron blinked and his voice was a little too loud, "Wot? They're getting married, you mean?"  
  
"A little less talking here, and a little more working." Severus said coldly, standing behind Harry and Ron.  
  
The boys nodded and sighed as they returned to their potion. Hermione just glared at them and stirred her cauldron. _Boys, they never get it._  
  
Ron, however was too stunned by the news to keep quiet and he passed a note to Harry.  _Lupin and Sirius are getting married!?_  
  
Hermione was steadfastly ignoring them as Harry scribbled back, _I think Remus would have told me, he just looked tired last time I saw him, that's all._  
  
"Good work Miss Granger." Severus had to give her credit where it was due, at least her potion looked reasonable.  
  
Ron wrote back,  _Aren't brides always tired and cranky? Maybe that's why Sirius gave us all that vampire work last week and now he's gone, they must be going off to one of those places. They let blokes get married!_  
  
Harry raised an eyebrow and wrote quickly,  _Maybe ... Sirius isn't here for class and Remus wasn't answering their door. Come to think of it, Sirius was wearing some sort of ring last week wasn't he? Just before the weekend_.  
  
 _Yeah, and they wouldn't want to make a big fuss over it, what with Remus being in the news and all. Must be why they wouldn't tell us until they were back_.  
  
Harry almost knocked his eye of newt over to write,  _Maybe Sirius was upset because he was nervous about asking ... or maybe he was mad that Lupin never asked him ... I don't know how it works with guys, Ron, I'm not an expert.  
  
Well girls get all ... mad and quiet like that if they don't think something's going anywhere, ie, BALL AND CHAIN. Bloody hell, we could have had a party for Sirius, sort of a bachelor's party! Bill's friend Daniel had one and he was drunk for two days!  
_  
Severus put a long, firm finger down on the note, pinning it in place as it was passed between the two boys, "If you two could find the time to stop flirting and start working" he said quietly, eyes narrowed between the boys, taking up the note.  
  
Harry's eyes widened, "Sorry, Professor, just ... um-" Snape's expression was changing. "Professor? You alright?"  
  
Severus crumpled the note, fisting it angrily, looking between the two boys, "Keep. To. Your. Work." Severus said darkly, walking away stiffly, putting a hand against his side, feeling like all the students had suddenly thrust their knives into him, opening up the storage room, he closed himself in before he doubled over, breathing hard.  
  
Harry and Ron exchanged a look and Harry left his table, walking to the back where Snape disappeared to, hesitant. "Professor?" he whispered, "are you alright?" He glared at Malfoy who was staring at him.  
  
Severus pressed his eyes into his arm sleeve, craving the security of darkness, "Fine" he hissed, "Get back to your work."  
  
Harry backed up, just looking at Ron and shrugging before he went back to his desk in silence.  
  
Hermione mouthed angrily, "What did you boys DO?"  
  
Ron shot her an indignant look, "Nothing."  
  
As if Neville did not have enough trouble in potions anyway, today was going even worse then before; his potion was boiling over, black, the Gryffindor gasped, "Um … PROFESSOR?!"  
  
Severus drew himself up, storming out of the room and promptly containing the soon to be explosion.  
  
Everyone in the room was STARING at Snape. They'd never seen him look so angry.  
  
No one breathed.  
  
Severus felt like it was written upon his face, every weakness, every desire, every longing, every loss. He looked around the room, almost daring someone to be the first to say something.  
  
Not even Ron opened his gob, they all just shrank down a little.  
  
Severus's voice was sharp, exact as any blade, "For those of you endowed enough to have produced a potion of any real substance, bottle it and put it on my desk for grading. OTHERWISE" he had seen someone start to move before he was done talking, "clean up your mess, you are dismissed."  
  
Everyone sprang into action, leaving as quickly as they could manage.  
  
There was one figure, however at the door, holding something. "Severus?"  
  
Severus was standing behind the desk, fingers curling around the wood, "Yes?" he looked up, not too many people called him by his first name.  
  
Dumbledore walked in with a smile, "How lucky that your class has finished early, there's been a delivery for you." The headmaster walked in quite happily with a large box and set it down on Severus's desk, pausing. "Is everything alright?" the classroom door closed behind him.  
  
"Thank you sir." Severus eyed the box for a moment before looking back to Dumbledore, "Just a little frustration on my part, expecting students to be achieving at a higher level, then what skill they have been demonstrating." That was at least half the truth.  
  
The headmaster's eyes turned a softer blue and he sat opposite Severus, "Yes, well, it's no secret that we all share those feelings from time to time. Sirius was just going through something similar last week ... when you were away."  
  
Severus sat as well, "My students weren't performing to his satisfaction?" he began defensively, before it occurred to him that maybe they were talking about something else.  
  
"They are his students too, Severus, they are all of ours." Dumbledore stood and patted Severus's hand, "Whatever the cause, Severus, remember that things have a way of working out somehow, and that if you ever wish to discuss your concerns, my door is quite literally always open."  
  
Severus pulled his hands back, off the desk and into his lap. "Yes sir, thank you."  
  
"I'll leave you to your parcel ..." Dumbledore smiled again and left, a cup of tea waiting for Severus beside the parcel with a sugar cookie.  
  
Severus sighed, pulling the box down into his lap, looking to see if he could tell where it was from.  
  
It was a plain blue box with holes in it and a sticker reading "fragile."  
  
Severus opened it, folding back the top to look in.  
  
There was a sound like the rustle of leaves and a huge bouquet of luminous moonflowers beamed up at him.  
  
"Oh." Severus whimpered, just frozen in place, hands on either side of the box, just looking down, heart beating once, "… Sirius" then thumping again, hard, tight in his chest.  
  
The large, almost almond shaped petals of the flowers glistened the way only moonflowers grown in elven gardens did, literally soaking up the light of the moon and storing it in their petals. The flowers inside smelled like fresh rain and grass, and the vase was smooth and silver so that the entire arrangement seemed to have a silvery shimmer and to produce it's own light in the semi-gloom of the potions lab.  
  
There was a card on the vase in familiar handwriting.  _I'm sorry about the other night, we'll talk soon, I promise. - S_  
  
After tucking the card back into the box and closing it up to conserve the light, Severus protectively carried his box out of the classroom and back to his room where he opened it up again, freeing it of the box and placing it, perfectly centered on his desk. Stepping back, sitting on the floor, looking up at it, his back up against the foot of the bed, unable to keep his eyes off the enchanting light. In the dark. Where he felt safe. With his light. Where he felt loved.

 

*                    *                    *

 

It was midnight when Sirius climbed the staircase that led to Severus's room and knocked on his door three times. He looked a little better now, only a couple of pounds thinner, shaven, clean and his muggle clothes only as rumpled as they usually were. He was nervous, shifting his weight from foot to foot and tying his hair back then pulling it loose again by turns as he waited. Remus's words rang in his head, _I only pray they take you back_.  Sirius chewed his now red lower lip again, he'd tried to make sure he was decent at least before coming here, but his stomach was squeezing and twisting.  _What if after all of this, it's just a game of revenge? He makes me fall in love, leave Remus and then he laughs in my face?_  
  
The door opened, and Severus stood there, dark eyes firing up into something quite alive as they caught sight of Sirius.  
  
The thought dropped from Sirius's head and his hand dropped from his hair. "Hi ..." he managed, trying not to blink.  There was a gold ring on Sirius's left hand, a heavy band with a black stone in the center.  
  
Severus however did not yet open the door for Sirius to come in, "Yes or no will do fine. Are you married?"  
  
Sirius cocked his head to the side, gaping, "Why the hell would you think I'm-" he looked at his hand and groaned, "NO. No, no, Dumbledore gave this to me and told me to wear it for a while for safe keeping! This is the only finger it fit on and now I can't get it off! I'm-" he smiled, shaking his head and stepped closer, "I'm definitely, definitely not even close to being married."  
  
Throwing his arms over Sirius, hugging him, Severus shook as he pulled the other man into the room.  
  
Sirius gasped and hugged Severus back, smoothing his heavy hair with one hand, "Severus ... I'm sorry, I didn't mean for you to think I was married of all the bloody things!"  
  
"Serves me right" Severus mumbled into Sirius's neck, "for letting Potter be the source of my information." The man clung to Sirius, despite how close the two were pressed up against the other, he wanted to be closer, "I missed you."  
  
Sirius smiled, "I missed you too, gods, I missed you-" he stroked Snape's back, not minding being crushed in the least. "Harry thought I got married?"  
  
"... to Lupin."  
  
Sirius sighed, "No. No, gods no, no, no." He pulled back, looking at Severus, the light from the moonflowers catching the tip of Sirius's nose, the silver of his eyes and the rise of his cheekbones, "No," he whispered, "the opposite."  
  
Severus looked at Sirius, the glow reminded him, "I love the flowers."  _I love Sirius._  
  
"Thought you might like them not in your hood this time," Sirius took Snape's long, strong hands in his own. "I have to tell you something."  
  
"I do, they're … I … yes?" having Sirius hold his hands kept them from shaking.  
  
"I left him."  
  
"Ah." Severus bit at his lip, worrying it, "I didn't want to be the reason … I'm sorry."  
  
Sirius squeezed his hands, "No. Don't be sorry, it wasn't working at any rate and it had to happen, but ... most of all I couldn't do it to either of you anymore. I couldn't lie to Remus, I didn't want to cheat on him, and I ..." Sirius stepped closer, voice lower, almost a rumble, "I wanted to kiss you properly."  
  
Severus's lips parted as Sirius spoke, kissing Sirius fiercely with all the longing he had been holding back, moaning as their lips finally touched, noses brushing against the other.  
  
Sirius gasped and wound his arms around Severus, kissing him back immediately, urgently, their breath mixing and tongues brushing together all at once.  
  
It was not in Severus's nature to be patient. In fact, he was usually (as is evident with his teaching style) quite short with people, defensive and impatient when they did not meet his standards of them. But Sirius … Severus had NO expectations when it came to the former pureblood prince, and as a result, Severus had been very patient. And he wanted to be with Sirius, as they deserved each other, from the beginning, without out the mess that had interrupted and distracted them in between then and now.  
  
Sirius's hands went to Severus's shoulders, pushing the long cloak off immediately and undoing the buttons of his coat as they kissed passionately, his thigh already pressed against Severus's hip.  
  
Severus pulled at the bottom hem of Sirius's shirt, getting under it as he pressed his hands against Sirius's body, around his ribs, down around his waist, "Sirius, you-" Severus groaned, jerking at the man's pants, trying to undo them, "have this effect on me."  
  
"What ... effect exactly?" Sirius teased between kisses and moans, a button flying off of Severus's coat as Sirius pulled it off and kissed his neck, licking and sucking the skin there with a relieved groan.  
  
"I-" Severus stopped for a moment, panting, "I want to be with you … so badly …" he waited, making sure he had not just jumped into a piranha pit.  
  
Sirius moaned, his own hand slipping down between Severus's thighs and massaging the considerable bulge that strained the black fabric, "OhfuckSeverus ... take me ..." he kept kissing his neck, starting to undo Snape's shirt buttons feverishly, rubbing himself against Severus's thigh, "please ..."  
  
Severus undid Sirius's pants, pushing them down the man's hips, over the tops of his thighs and letting them fall down to the floor to his ankles. Cupping Sirius's sex, protecting it from the open air, he began to fondle the man who did not seem to believe in underwear.  
  
Sirius moaned and his head fell back for an instant, "Severus-" his black eyelashes fluttered against silvery skin as he pushed Snape's shirt open and stroked the bare skin with a whimper, thumbing a line down the middle of his stomach to the front of Severus's trousers, undoing them. "Want you ... wanted you for so long ..."  
  
Severus palmed Sirius's balls in his hand while his fingers reached back, gently caressing the pureblood's entrance.  
  
Severus's trousers were very, very quickly undone and Sirius took Snape's cock in his hand, stroking the considerable length with a long, deep moan, "Severus-" He leaned forward and kissed him again, lips warm and soft, pliant.  
  
Almost intoxicated, Severus closed his eyes slowly, groaning into Sirius's mouth as he pushed just the tip of his finger into the other man.  
  
Sirius gasped into the kiss and his thighs spread wider, wider, "Ohhh-"  
  
Hooking his other hand under Sirius's thigh, Severus lifted one of Sirius's legs, pressing the man's back up against the wall, balanced on one foot as he fingered him.  
  
Sirius's stomach clenched and shuddered, his leg bending up easily, "Severus-" his eyes opened and he stared with almost hypnotically at Severus, whispering, still holding and stroking him in return, "Ohgods," he breathed, "you feel so good ..."  
  
"Sirius" Severus groaned, "Sirius"  _want to fuck you_ , "Sirius"  _want to love you._  
  
"Please ..." He begged, running his thumb over the tip of Severus's sex, smearing the precum down over his head as he rubbed him in circles, "please," he kissed him again, letting go and wrapping his arms tightly around Severus's neck, both legs around his hips, "yours."  
  
Silently, Severus quickly summoned a bottle of oil from the potions storage room. It flew to his hands where he poured the contents over himself, then dropped the bottle to the floor without a second thought. His need was too great for anything more polite. Severus held Sirius securely, leaning against him, pressing the man up against the wall as both his arms hooked under Sirius's thighs, lifting his body slightly before guiding him down, the head of his cock pressing perfectly against Sirius before the man relaxed enough so that he could push in, crying out almost painfully, "Sirius!"  
  
Sirius's mouth dropped open and his skin flushed all at once as Severus penetrated him and then he moaned loudly, fingers digging in to Severus's shoulders as tears sprang to his eyes, "YES-" Severus felt so thick, perfectly hard, and it had been so long since Sirius had been fucked that he felt like it was the first time again.  
  
Severus bit his lip closed, breathing heavily through his nose as his hips lurched forward, pressing up and in, taking him, finally.  
  
The thrust of Severus's cock made Sirius see little spots in the air and sent sparks running through his nerves, "Oh, oh ... ohgodsSeverusyes ..." Sirius kissed him again and again, his face, sucking at his ear under the curtain of black hair, down his neck. "Fuck, you feel so amazing, almost right through me, don't stop, don't ever stop fucking me." He was pressed up against the wall now, shifting against it with every thrust and for once he was a little taller than Severus, leaning down to kiss him and whisper.  
  
Severus felt himself grow rock hard, and was unable to fathom how Sirius could stand it. Penetrating into his body, tightly clinging to him on the inside, the same way the other man clung to him on the outside, "Sirius" he spoke his name, unable to say anything else as his head fell back a little to look up at Sirius, neck exposed, lips parted as he gasped and groaned.  
  
Sirius shifted down a little around him, kissing his neck harder, licking and sucking, biting very softly and moaning platitudes, "Wanted you for years, just like this, in dreams and ..." he groaned wordlessly, in ecstasy, "somuchbetter ... but this is ... this is so much better ... ohhh, ohhh yes, again please Severus, again ..." He loved saying Severus's name, knowing it was Severus inside him, holding him and kissing him and making tears sting the edges of his eyes.  
  
Severus began to shake, "Sirius-" he gasped, slowing, letting Sirius settle down, impaled on the end of his cock, "Sirius I-"  _I'm sorry I can't last longer for you_ , "Sirius-"  _I want you to stay with me._  
  
Sirius kissed his lips hard, feeling him start to tighten against his own body, "I love you ... loveyou, I love you I lovethis ... comeon ... want you to, my Severus ..."  
  
"... want it"  _us_ "to last longer" Severus whimpered.  
  
Sirius groaned and nodded, just kissing him for a moment, "It's never been this good for me, ever ... " his lips were gentle, grazing.  
  
Severus kissed Sirius sweetly, slow, still with that sense of everlasting longing. With Sirius securely in his arms, Severus staggered back, groaning as he felt himself slide in a little deeper while he carried him. It took him a moment before he was able to walk back to his bed, sitting down, Sirius on his lap, "It should have always been us."  
  
Sirius gasped, and his eyes opened wider as Severus sank deeper inside him and then again as Snape sat on the bed and Sirius felt his knees on the blankets. The pureblood stroked Severus's face, just looking at him adoringly, "I know ... wish it had been ... like this." Sirius bit his own lip and rose over Severus slowly before he sank down around him again, pulling his own shirt off so that they were both naked. He rode him slow and smoothly, never looking away from Snape's dark, glittering eyes.  
  
With his arms and hands now free, Severus fingered over Sirius's hip, up the long stretch of his back, every touch said what he was afraid to say,  _you are so beautiful, so good, the man I love_.  
  
Sirius arched and leaned into every touch as he eased Severus in and out of himself without a pause, just savoring him, staring back before he kissed Severus's mouth again, thumbs stroking the back of Severus's neck. "My Sev ... My Sev ..."  
  
"Ohhh-" Severus groaned, "Sirius …" his head tipped back again, lips parted, fingers digging into Sirius's back as his own body tightened, then releasing just as suddenly as he came in long, hot, pulsing loads. For a moment Severus felt his mind wiped clean of everything bad, in that moment, there was only pleasure, and the sharp gasp that still lingered on his lips.  
  
Sirius MOANED and arched back sharply, feeling Severus empty inside him, the heat rushing through his body. "Oh, godsyesyes SEV-" he rode the other man through the orgasm, roughly until he too howled and came, clinging to Severus as he spilled against their stomachs and chests. Severus's face was close now, sweating, and perfect in all of it's inelegance. "OhSev-" Sirius kissed him, "my Sev, I love you ..."  
  
"I … I oh … oh Sirius" Severus panted, "sogood" it was a judgment on Sirius, on them, not necessarily the act (which of course, was good too). Severus kissed the man on his lap soundly, arms around him.  
  
He moaned and kissed Severus back immediately, lingering and stroking his back, "You alright?"  
  
"Yes"  _finally_ , "Yes Sirius" Severus closed his eyes, leaning his forehead against Sirius's shoulder, "… stay."  
  
He nodded, kissing Severus's cheekbones, his forehead, "As long as you want ..."  
  
Severus smiled a little, his fingers curling around the back of Sirius's neck, _as long as you want._  
  
They kissed again, easily, as though they'd been doing it for years. "Still want me now that I'm not so forbidden?"  
  
"Sirius…" Severus laughed, kissing him, "that was never-" he kissed him again, "I will always, have, always- wanted you."  
  
Sirius smirked, kissing him again on the lips, hands cupping Severus's angular face. "Will always?" he murmured.  
  
"Tragically." Severus nuzzled his face against Sirius.  
  
Sirius laughed, "Tragically, good to know" he kissed Severus's neck slowly, but he was smiling the entire time.  
  
Severus turned his head, a little shy from the constant attention, but allowing Sirius to kiss his neck with a soft hum.  
  
He laid Snape down against the bed, still laying over him, naked, kissing every inch of the half-blood's neck with a purr.  
  
Severus writhed and stretched out under Sirius, chin turned to one shoulder, every tendon and muscle in his neck tightly pulled, exposed, "Oh" he breathed out as if this had been the greatest shock of his entire life.  
  
Sirius groaned and he kissed the same spot again, harder. "Love your voice, love it..."  
  
"That …" he said suddenly, holding onto Sirius's sides for his own need to be close, secure, "that feels … really … good" his shoulders twisted back as a shiver crossed over his body.  
  
"Sev ... keep talking ... " he licked the spot on Severus's neck and bit gently, just scraping his teeth over the skin before kissing it again, running his fingers down the other side of Snape's throat.  
  
"I don't know wh-" Severus gasped quickly, "Ohhh!" he groaned when Sirius nibbled, threatened to bite his skin, aside from his anthropological work with vampires, there was something very erotic about biting the neck, the pain and pleasure cocktail of it all, "Mmm, Sirius … please … I don't … ohgod." Severus's head tipped back into the pillow, his chest lifting. "I ..." he didn't know what to say, much less know what to do.  
  
Sirius groaned and bit his neck, not quite breaking the skin. His hand skimmed down Severus's chest, his stomach and to his already hard again cock, stroking it with warm, tight fingers.  
  
"I … I used to-" finally something to talk about struck Severus's mind between heavy moans, "get off on the idea that I could watch you … without you knowing … without you hating me for it. GodSirius …"  
  
Sirius moaned this time and sucked at the bitten skin, tonguing it as he bit again, just a little upwards. "OhgodSev ..."  
  
"You're so beautiful Sirius … god, everyone in the world seems to know it but you … you don't act like you care … even when other people … ohSirius, ohhh." Severus's back arched again under Sirius as he groaned, biting his own lip. One of his knees bent, pulling his foot up on the bed, legs naturally parting, Sirius falling between them, "fuckSirius, that … I can't believe … so damn good."

"Love you ..." his hand slid down to Snape's hip and under his thigh, "anything you want ... I'm yours now-" he bit again, softly.  
  
"No" he corrected, "… equal, in all things." Indeed, being treated equality as a man, and not something sub-human (as some sort of unworthy half-blood) had been the only thing Severus Snape had ever really cared about, and in the end, the only thing he had been denied. Therefore Severus did not want to encourage any idea of ownership, of one belonging to the other. Of one being more powerful in the relationship then the other. They were equals. They needed to be equals.   
  
Sirius nodded, planting a kiss on Severus's chest, "Mine, yours ... always ..." his mouth strayed to Severus's dark nipple, tonguing and sucking at it as he stroked the back of Snape's thigh, up and down, pushing his fingers into the dense, black hair between his legs.  
  
Severus kept his lips pressed firmly together, suppressing a moan that bounced around as a hum in his mouth and chest. his legs parted a little more, eyeing Sirius, watching him under half closed eyelids.  
  
Sirius leaned up, kissing his lips again as his hand stroked the curve of Severus's ass, "Want you ..." he murmured.  
  
Severus nodded his consent as he kissed Sirius, mouth demanding him, his tongue, giving a satisfied groan once he had it.  
  
Sirius GROANED and both hands went to Severus's ass, spreading his cheeks as his thumbs started to massage his entrance. He'd never felt himself so rigid before, and the wet tip of his cock brushed against the cleft, "Fuck ..." he hissed against Severus's mouth, "Please, need you to tell me to ..."  
  
"Sirius …" Severus's eyes darted back and forth as he made Sirius look at him, "I want my first time to be with you." Clearly Severus did not consider his rape, nor his enslavement to count, it had been a version of sex, but there had been no intimacy, no love. It didn't count. "Make love to me." It was actually a rather high demand, this was not to be just another fuck, then again, Severus did not approve in anything so substandard, not in his students, not in himself, not in who he wanted to be with.  
  
Sirius nodded, kissing him again, fumbling over the blankets for a wand, either wand. He found Severus's and wrapped his hand around the tip, murmuring a once familiar spell to make his palm slick and warm. The pureblood moaned, slipping one finger into Severus, "Promise, Sev, wanted to for so long, I was too stupid before ..."  
  
"Shhh …" Severus covered his hand over Sirius's mouth, he whimpered a little as Sirius fingered him, not wanting to hear it, "… please …" he slowly pushed back against Sirius's finger, letting his hand fall away from the pureblood's mouth.  
  
Sirius just moaned, watching him as he slicked Severus inside with his finger, turning it slowly and slipping it in all the way, "You're so warm, perfect." His second finger slipped in, pulsing in and out a few times and then a third before Sirius couldn't wait any longer and drew them out, "Need to hear your voice-" he moaned against Severus's cheek, then his neck as he spread him again and began to push himself against the slick, relaxed entrance before with a blissful press of muscle and flesh around him, Sirius slid inside Snape's body. "Sev ..."  
  
"Yes." Severus said very quietly, arms hooking around Sirius's back, keeping their bodies firmly pressed up against the other, "Yes, just … stay … just … let me." Severus just wanted to experience it this once, as it was meant to be, "it's good" he said at last, "I like this, you … your touch."  
  
Sirius kissed his face, staying half inside of Severus for a long moment before the feeling was overwhelming and he pushed his length deeper inside, very slowly. He was so aware of the way Severus felt, the beautiful tightness of him, how smooth he was like this. "Your body is ... " he kissed Severus on the neck, "I love it, love how you feel, the ... ohgods ..."  
  
Severus gasped as Sirius pushed into him more. A part of him imagined this was how a pregnant woman felt, full, with something large and alive deep inside of them, pressing against his other organs. Severus rested his ankles against the back of Sirius's leg, knees out, legs butterflied open, "Please Sirius" he was in need of a new memory.  
  
He kissed him again and began to slide in and out of Severus, "Love ... love you ..." The pureblood shuddered and rested his elbows on either side of the Slytherins head, building a rhythm inside him, "Severus, fuck ... you'te soperfect, soperfectlove ..."  
  
Severus kept his eyes open this time, watching Sirius, panting slightly against the man's shoulder as he took the pureblood inside of him over and over. Nuzzling his absurd nose against Sirius's neck, Severus pressed soft, slow kisses against his soft skin.  
  
Sirius groaned quietly and his eyes fluttered shut, he drew out just enough that the swollen head of his sex stretched his lover's body a little and then back in, over and over and over.  
  
"Yes … oh Sirius, yes …" Severus whimpered, every _'no'_ every _'stop, please'_ Severus had once screamed was replaced by soft spoken moans, "Yes … please, so good." His face no longer spilled tears of humiliation, but of little beads of sweat that began to form against his temple.  
  
He slid his fingers into Severus's hair, letting their foreheads stay together, brushing their noses as Sirius's breathing sped, catching in his throat, "MySeverus ... loveyou, always, always." Their lips met again and again, needy, and this time Sirius was crying against Severus's face. His flat stomach rubbed against Severus's sex and he could feel the pulse of the man he loved around him, enveloping him completely and driving him closer.  
  
One of Severus's hands went up, cupping the side of Sirius's face, thumbing away the salty tears whenever they began to fall. A part of him wanted to apologize, say that he was sorry for not letting Sirius fuck him senseless like the pureblood had wanted to back then. Severus shuttered at the thought.  
  
He kissed him again, hard, hips starting to speed a little, "Love you ... love you ..." he gasped, "never been with ... someone I ... love..."  
  
Severus was comforted, after all Sirius could have anyone he wanted, and had no need to tell him these things, there was no sense in making up such lies. So the reason set in, it wasn't a lie. In a strange way, Severus had been waiting for this moment, looking into Sirius’s face, his elegance, his goodness, and the truth that was pounding into him, just as Sirius screwed his insides. "Please Sirius … don’t stop, just don’t stop … I feel … this … so good Sirius."  
  
"Yes," he moaned against his mouth, "we won't stop ... just take breaks between-" he kissed Severus, hands holding the back of the other man's head as he thrust into him, trying to last.  
  
Damaged early on, long before Sirius had gotten to him, Severus was on a lifelong pendulum, shifting back and forth between insecurity and confidence. Which meant at times he felt like Sirius's broken toy that the pureblood was desperately trying to hold together for one more playtime together, then other times, he would feel like something dear, something worth keeping and not throwing back, something worth taking care of. "Sirius, please-" Severus did not beg as he once did, but he was asking for the man to spill inside of him before his internal clockwork became too unbalanced. 

Sirius gasped against Severus's lips, their sweat mixing, limbs shifting and moving on the sheets, "Ohgodsyes, yes, yes so good, you're so perfect love-" he clutched Severus's back in his arms and let himself hammer inside of Snape for a brief moment before he came with a surprised sounding moan, shaking.  
  
Severus trembled slightly, feeling the warmth flood him, his face flushed terribly embarrassed as he clung onto Sirius, breathless, still shaken by what they had just done together. "Sirius …" he had cried out, almost muted, tucking his face against the man's neck, hands in fists against Sirius's back.  
  
Sirius just CLUNG to Snape, his skin flushed in all the perfect places, gasping for his breath as he inhaled Severus's hair, one hand stroking it. His ears were ringing softly and words had completely deserted his brain. All he could feel was Severus around him, under him, sweat and what he assumed was cum between their skin. "Sev-" he whispered.  
  
Severus tightened his hold, _thank you_. "So good to me Sirius" he curled around his light, his light in his darkness, his Sirius to his Severus.  
  
 _That wasn't sex, that was ... that was ..._  Sirius nuzzled Severus's face, catching his well-kissed, swollen lips and pressing them against his own. One strand of the pureblood's hair curled against Severus's face a little, just stroking his pale cheek. He felt like a little of the ugly inside of himself, a little of the shame and filth that the past left there had been taken away, lifted from inside him.  _That was love_.  
  
Severus kissed the other man slowly, his mouth, his jaw, his neck, his chest, his body aching perfectly. Kissing his affliction, his cure.   
  
Still curled around each other in the bed, Sirius rolled them to the side. He pulled back enough just to look at him.  _We make the oddest couple._  Another kiss. "Hi beautiful."  
  
Laying next to each other, Severus felt better now that they had changed positions, but he shoved his hand against Sirius's shoulder, "Sirius … there's no need to tease, not after you've been so nice."  
  
"I'm not teasing," he rolled his eyes, murmuring against Severus's ear, "you're beautiful to me."

**Author's Note:**

> co-authored. originally written for thestralskinphoenixtears


End file.
